魔鬼词典-22

From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. He cast hiseyes about him and above him; then he wrote On a slab of thin asbestoswhat I venture here to quote -- For I read it in the rose-light of theeverlasting glow: "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler;snow."Halcyon JonesWEDDING, n.A ceremony at which two persons undertake tobecome one,one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes tobecomesupportable.170THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYWEREWOLF, n.A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, aman.Allwerewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial formtogratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, areashumane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. SomeBavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied itto a post by thetail and went to bed.The next morning nothing wasthere!Greatly perplexed,they consulted the local priest, who toldthem that their captive wasundoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed itshuman for during thenight."The next time that you take a wolf," thegood man said, "see thatyou chain it by the leg, and in the morningyou will find a Lutheran."WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n.In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; anunexpectedaffliction that strikes hard.Should you ask me whence this laughter, Whence this audible bigsmiling, With its labial extension, With its maxillar distortion And itsdiaphragmic rhythmus Like the billowing of an ocean, Like the shaking ofa carpet, I should answer, I should tell you: From the great deeps of thespirit, From the unplummeted abysmus Of the soul this laughter wellethAs the fountain, the gug-guggle, Like the river from the canon [sic], Toentoken and give warning That my present mood is sunny. Should you askme further question -- Why the great deeps of the spirit, Why theunplummeted abysmus Of the soule extrudes this laughter, This all audiblebig-smiling, I should answer, I should tell you With a white heart,tumpitumpy, With a true tongue, honest Injun: William Bryan, he hasCaught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah!Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, Standing in the marsh, thekneedeep, Standing silent in the kneedeep With his wing-tips crossedbehind him And his neck close-reefed before him, With his bill, hiswilliam, buried In the down upon his bosom, With his head retracted inly,While his shoulders overlook it? Does the sandhill crane, the shankank,Shiver grayly in the north wind, Wishing he had died when little, As thesparrow, the chipchip, does? No 'tis not the Shankank standing, Standingin the gray and dismal Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. No, 'tispeerless William Bryan Realizing that he's Caught It, Caught theWhangdepootenawah!171THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYWHEAT, n.A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can withsomedifficulty be made, and which is used also for bread.The Frencharesaid to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any otherpeople,which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuffpalatable.WHITE, adj. and n.Black.WIDOW, n.A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed totakehumorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was oneof themost marked features of his character.WINE, n.Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's ChristianUnionas "liquor," sometimes as "rum."Wine, madam, is God's next bestgiftto man.WIT, n.The salt with which the American humorist spoilshisintellectual cookery by leaving it out.WITCH, n.(1)Any ugly andrepulsive old woman, in a wicked leaguewith the devil.(2)A beautiful andattractive young woman, inwickedness a league beyond the devil.WITTICISM, n.A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, andseldomnoted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke."WOMAN, n.An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and havingarudimentary susceptibility to domestication.It is credited bymany of theelder zoologists with a certain vestigial docilityacquired in a former stateof seclusion, but naturalists of thepostsusananthony period, having noknowledge of the seclusion,deny the virtue and declare that such ascreation's dawn beheld,it roareth now.The species is the most widelydistributed of allbeasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe,fromGreeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand.The popularname(wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. The woman islithe and graceful in its movement, especially theAmerican variety (_felispugnans_), is omnivorous and can betaught not to talk.Balthasar PoberWORMS'-MEAT, n.The finished product of which we are therawmaterial.The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon andtheGranitarium.Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structurethathouses it, but "this too must pass away."Probably the silliest workin172THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYwhich a human being can engage is construction of a tomb forhimself.Thesolemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates bycontrast theforeknown futility.Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! How profitless the labor youbestow Upon a dwelling whose magnificence The tenant neither canadmire nor know.Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, The wanton grassroots will defeat the plan By shouldering asunder all the stones In what toyou would be a moment's span.Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies That when your marble is alldust, arise, If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn --You'll think youscarcely can have closed your eyes.What though of all man's works your tomb alone Should stand tillTime himself be overthrown? Would it advantage you to dwell thereinForever as a stain upon a stone?Joel HuckWORSHIP, n.Homo Creator's testimony to the sound constructionandfine finish of Deus Creatus.A popular form of abjection, havinganelement of pride.WRATH, n.Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriatetoexalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath ofGod,""the day of wrath," etc.Amongst the ancients the wrath of kingswasdeemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some godforits fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest.The GreeksbeforeTroy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of thefrying-pan ofthe wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath ofAchilles, thoughAgamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried norroasted.A similarnoted immunity was that of David when he incurredthe wrath of Yahvehby numbering his people, seventy thousand of whompaid the penalty withtheir lives.God is now Love, and a director ofthe census performs his workwithout apprehension of disaster.173THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYXX in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibilitytothe attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, willdoubtless last aslong as the language.X is the sacred symbol of tendollars, and in suchwords as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not,as is popular supposed,because it represents a cross, but because thecorresponding letter in theGreek alphabet is the initial of his name-- _Xristos_.If it represented across it would stand for St.Andrew, who "testified" upon one of thatshape.In the algebra ofpsychology x stands for Woman's mind.Wordsbeginning with X areGrecian and will not be defined in this standardEnglish dictionary.YYANKEE, n.In Europe, an American.In the Northern States ofourUnion, a New Englander.In the Southern States the word is unknown.(See DAMNYANK.)YEAR, n.A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.YESTERDAY, n.The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, theentirepast of age. But yesterday I should have thought me blest To standhigh-pinnacled upon the peak Of middle life and look adown the bleakAnd unfamiliar foreslope to the West, Where solemn shadows all the landinvest And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak Unfinished prophecy,and witch-fires freak The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. Yea,yesterday my soul was all aflame To stay the shadow on the dial's face Atmanhood's noonmark!Now, in God His name I chide aloud the littleinterspace Disparting me from Certitude, and fain Would know the dreamand vision ne'er again.Baruch ArnegriffIt is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff wasattended at174THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYdifferent times by seven doctors.YOKE, n.An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, weoweone of the most illuminating words in our language -- a wordthatdefines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy.A thousand apologies for withholding it.YOUTH, n.The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds afulcrum,Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honorofendowing a living Homer.Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earthagain, whenfigs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed withwhistles and, wearingsilken bristles, live ever in clover, andclows fly over, delivering milk atevery door, and Justice neveris heard to snore, and every assassin is madea ghost and,howling, is cast into Baltimost!Polydore SmithZZANY, n.A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitatedwithludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was thereforetheape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious charactersofthe play.The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, aswe to-dayhave the unhappiness to know him.In the zany we see anexample ofcreation; in the humorist, of transmission.Anotherexcellent specimen ofthe modern zany is the curate, who apes therector, who apes the bishop,who apes the archbishop, who apes thedevil.ZANZIBARI, n.An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, offtheeastern coast of Africa.The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are bestknownin this country through a threatening diplomatic incident thatoccurred afew years ago.The American consul at the capital occupieda dwelling thatfaced the sea, with a sandy beach between.Greatly tothe scandal of thisofficial's family, and against repeatedremonstrances of the official himself,the people of the citypersisted in using the beach for bathing.One day awoman came downto the edge of the water and was stooping to remove175THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYher attire (a pairof sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint,fired a chargeof bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person.Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two greatnations,she was the Sultana.ZEAL, n.A certain nervous disorder afflicting the youngandinexperienced.A passion that goeth before a sprawl.When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward He went awayexclaiming:"O my Lord!" "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bendingdown. "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown."Jum CoopleZENITH, n.The point in the heavens directly overhead to amanstanding or a growing cabbage.A man in bed or a cabbage in the potisnot considered as having a zenith, though from this view of thematterthere was once a considerably dissent among the learned, someholdingthat the posture of the body was immaterial.These werecalledHorizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists.TheHorizontalist heresy wasfinally extinguished by Xanobus, thephilosopher-king of Abara, a zealousVerticalist.Entering anassembly of philosophers who were debating thematter, he cast asevered human head at the feet of his opponents and askedthem todetermine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging bytheheels outside.Observing that it was the head of their leader,theHorizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted towhateveropinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalismtook itsplace among _fides defuncti_.ZEUS, n.The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans asJupiterand by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog.Someexplorerswho have touched upon the shores of America, and one whoprofesses tohave penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, havethoughtthat these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but inhismonumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that thenativesare monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whomheworships under many sacred names.ZIGZAG, v.t.To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, asonecarrying the white man's burden.(From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_,176THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYanIcelandic word of unknown meaning.)He zedjagged so uncomen wyde Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; So,to com saufly thruh, I been Constreynet for to doodge betwene.MunweleZOOLOGY, n.The science and history of the animal kingdom,includingits king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_).The father ofZoologywas Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of itsmotherhas not come down to us.Two of the science's mostillustriousexpounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both ofwhom welearn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History ofAnimatedNature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years.177天天读书网（www.book.d78i.com）整理