魔鬼词典-21

No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, A certain firmness -- mostlyyou're [sic] backbone.Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) Are virtues that thegreat know how to use -I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, You lack -- excuse mymentioning it -- Soul.So, to be candid, unreserved and true, I'd rather you were I than I wereyou.Perhaps, however, in a time to be, When Man's extinct, a better worldmay seeYour progeny in power and control, Due to the genesis and growth ofSoul.So I salute you as a reptile grand Predestined to regenerate the land.Father of Possibilities, O deign To accept the homage of a dying reign!In the far region of the unforeknown I dream a tortoise upon everythrone.I see an Emperor his head withdraw Into his carapace for fear of Law;A King who carries something else than fat, Howe'er acceptably he162THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYcarries that;A President not strenuously bent On punishment of audible dissent --Who never shot (it were a vain attack) An armed or unarmed tortoisein the back;Subject and citizens that feel no need To make the March of Mind awild stampede;All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, And "Take your time" theword, in Church and State.O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, My glorious testudinous regime!I wish in Eden you'd brought this about By slouching in and chasingAdam out.TREE, n.A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as apenalapparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most treesbearonly a negligible fruit, or none at all.When naturally fruited, thetree isa beneficient agency of civilization and an important factorin publicmorals.In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit(white and blackrespectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to thepublic taste and, thoughnot exported, profitable to the generalwelfare.That the legitimate relationof the tree to justice was nodiscovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed,conceded it no primacy over thelamp-post and the bridge-girder) is madeplain by the followingpassage from Morryster, who antedated him by twocenturies:While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereofI hadhearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll init, ye hedmanne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer asfolloweth: "Ye tree isnot nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shallsee dependynge fr. hisbraunches all soch as have affroynted yeKing his Majesty." And I wasfurder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yrtong ye same as"rapscal" in our owne._Trauvells in ye Easte_TRIAL, n.A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon recordtheblameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.In order toeffectthis purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the personof one who iscalled the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused.Ifthe contrast is made163THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYsufficiently clear this person is made to undergosuch an affliction as willgive the virtuous gentlemen a comfortablesense of their immunity, addedto that of their worth.In our day theaccused is usually a human being, or asocialist, but in mediaevaltimes, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects werebrought to trial.Abeast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, wasdulyarrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by thepublicexecutioner.Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyardswerecited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and aftertestimony,argument and condemnation, if they continued _incontumaciam_ thematter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court,where they were solemnlyexcommunicated and anathematized.In astreet of Toledo, some pigs thathad wickedly run between theviceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrestedon a warrant, tried andpunished.In Naples and ass was condemned to beburned at the stake,but the sentence appears not to have beenexecuted.D'Addosio relatesfrom the court records many trials of pigs,bulls, horses, cocks,dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to thebetterment of theirconduct and morals.In 1451 a suit was brought againstthe leechesinfesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop ofLausanne,instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed thatsomeof "the aquatic worms" be brought before the localmagistracy.Thiswas done and the leeches, both present and absent, wereordered toleave the places that they had infested within three days on painofincurring "the malediction of God."In the voluminous records ofthis_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offendersbravedthe punishment, or departed forthwith out of thatinhospitablejurisdiction.TRICHINOSIS, n.The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. MosesMendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christianphysician, who at oncediagnosed the philosopher's disorder astrichinosis, but tactfully gave itanother name."You need andimmediate change of diet," he said; "youmust eat six ounces of porkevery other day." "Pork?" shrieked the patient- "pork?Nothing shall induce me totouch it!" "Do you mean that?" thedoctor gravely asked. "I swear it!" "Good! -- then I will undertake to cureyou."164THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYTRINITY, n.In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches,threeentirely distinct deities consistent with only one.Subordinatedeities of thepolytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are notdowered with thepower of combination, and must urge individuallytheir clames to adorationand propitiation.The Trinity is one of themost sublime mysteries of ourholy religion.In rejecting it becauseit is incomprehensible, Unitariansbetray their inadequate sense oftheological fundamentals.In religion webelieve only what we do notunderstand, except in the instance of anintelligible doctrine thatcontradicts an incomprehensible one.In that casewe believe theformer as a part of the latter.TROGLODYTE, n.Specifically, a cave-dweller of thepaleolithicperiod, after the Tree and before the Flat.A famous communityoftroglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam.Thecolonyconsisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one thatwasin debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, alltheSocialists of Judah.TRUCE, n.Friendship.TRUTH, n.An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is themostancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect ofexistingwith increasing activity to the end of time.TRUTHFUL, adj.Dumb and illiterate.TRUST, n.In American politics, a large corporation composedingreater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphansinthe care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactorsandpublic enemies.TURKEY, n.A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certainreligiousanniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting pietyandgratitude.Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.TWICE, adv.Once too often.TYPE, n.Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroyingcivilization andenlightenment, despite their obvious agency in thisincomparabledictionary.TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n.An African insect (_Glossina165THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYmorsitans_)whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficaciousremedyfor insomnia, though some patients prefer that of theAmericannovelist (_Mendax interminabilis_).UUBIQUITY, n.The gift or power of being in all places at one time,butnot in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, anattribute of Godand the luminiferous ether only.This importantdistinction betweenubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to themediaeval Church andthere was much bloodshed about it.CertainLutherans, who affirmed thepresence everywhere of Christ's body wereknown as Ubiquitarians.Forthis error they were doubtless damned,for Christ's body is present only inthe eucharist, though thatsacrament may be performed in more than oneplace simultaneously.Inrecent times ubiquity has not always beenunderstood -- not even bySir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that aman cannot be in twoplaces at once unless he is a bird.UGLINESS, n.A gift of the gods to certain women, entailingvirtuewithout humility.ULTIMATUM, n.In diplomacy, a last demand before resortingtoconcessions. Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the TurkishMinistrymet to consider it. "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik ofthe Imperial Chiboukto the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how manyunconquerablesoldiers have we in arms?" "Upholder of the Faith," thatdignitary replied after examininghis memoranda, "they are in numbers asthe leaves of the forest!" "And how many impenetrable battleships striketerror to the heartsof all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the EverVictoriousNavy. "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to knowthat theyare as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and thestarsof Heaven!" For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of theImperialChibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought:hewascalculating the chances of war.Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "thedieis cast!I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that headvise166THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYinaction.In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned."UN-AMERICAN, adj.Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.UNCTION, n.An oiling, or greasing.The rite of extremeunctionconsists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several partsofthe body of one engaged in dying.Marbury relates that after the ritehadbeen administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it wasdiscoveredthat the oil had not been properly consecrated and no othercould beobtained.When informed of this the sick man said in anger: "Then I'll bedamned if I die!" "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear."UNDERSTANDING, n.A cerebral secretion that enables one having ittoknow a house from a horse by the roof on the house.Its nature andlawshave been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, andKant,who lived in a horse.His understanding was so keen That all things which he'd felt, heard,seen, He could interpret without fail If he was in or out of jail. He wrote atInspiration's call Deep disquisitions on them all, Then, pent at last in anasylum, Performed the service to compile 'em. So great a writer, all menswore, They never had not read before.Jorrock WormleyUNITARIAN, n.One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.UNIVERSALIST, n.One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell forpersonsof another faith.URBANITY, n.The kind of civility that urban observers ascribetodwellers in all cities but New York.Its commonest expression isheard inthe words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent withdisregard ofthe rights of others.The owner of a powder mill Was musing on a distant hill -- Somethinghis mind foreboded --When from the cloudless sky there fell A deviledhuman kidney!Well, The man's mill had exploded. His hat he lifted fromhis head; "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; "I didn't know 'twas loaded."SwatkinUSAGE, n.The First Person of the literary Trinity, the SecondandThird being Custom and Conventionality.Imbued with adecentreverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope167THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYtoproduce books that will live as long as the fashion.UXORIOUSNESS, n.A perverted affection that has strayed to one'sownwife.VVALOR, n.A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and thegambler'shope. "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of adivision andChickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir,at once." "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "Iampersuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bringtheminto collision with the enemy."VANITY, n.The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.They say that hens do cackle loudest when There's nothing vital in theeggs they've laid; And there are hens, professing to have made A study ofmankind, who say that men Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or penMake the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work; andI'm afraid They're not entirely different from the hen. Lo! the drum-majorin his coat of gold, His blazing breeches and high-towering cap --Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue Is that in battle he willnever hurt you?Hannibal HunsikerVIRTUES, .Certain abstentions.VITUPERATION, n.Saite, as understood by dunces and all suchassuffer from an impediment in their wit.VOTE, n.The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to makeafool of himself and a wreck of his country.W168THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYW (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the onlycumbrousname, the names of the others being monosyllabic.Thisadvantage of theRoman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valuedafter audibly spellingout some simple Greek word, like_epixoriambikos_.Still, it is now thoughtby the learned that otheragencies than the difference of the two alphabetsmay have beenconcerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" andthe riseof "the grandeur that was Rome."There can be no doubt, however,thatby simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example)ourcivilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured.WALL STREET, n.A symbol for sin for every devil torebuke.ThatWall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serveseveryunsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.Even the greatandgood Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call To battle:"The brokers areparasites all!" Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; Keep the wind ofyour slogan to belly your sail, Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: Ben Lomond is calling hisson from the fray -- Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! Whilestill you're possessed of a single baubee (I wish it were pledged toendowment of me) 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance Lest itsvalue decline ere your credit advance. For a man 'twixt a king of financeand the sea, Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!Anonymus BinkWAR, n.A by-product of the arts of peace.The mostmenacingpolitical condition is a period of international amity.Thestudentof history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected mayjustlyboast himself inaccessible to the light."In time of peace prepareforwar" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means,notmerely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is theoneimmutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thicklysown withthe seeds of war and singularly suited to their germinationand growth.Itwas when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasuredome" -- when,that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting inXanadu -- that heheard from afar Ancestral voices prophesying war.169THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYOne of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest ofmen,and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable.Let ushave a littleless of "hands across the sea," and a little more ofthat elemental distrustthat is the security of nations.War loves tocome like a thief in the night;professions of eternal amity providethe night.WASHINGTONIAN, n.A Potomac tribesman who exchanged theprivilege ofgoverning himself for the advantage of good government.Injustice tohim it should be said that he did not want to.They took away his vote and gave instead The right, when he hadearned, to _eat_ his bread. In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul,To come again and part him from his roll.Offenbach StutzWEAKNESSES, .Certain primal powers of Tyrant Womanwherewith sheholds dominion over the male of her species, binding him totheservice of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.WEATHER, n.The climate of the hour.A permanent topicofconversation among persons whom it does not interest, but whohaveinherited the tendency to chatter about it from nakedarborealancestors whom it keenly concerned.The setting up officialweatherbureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that evengovernmentsare accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, And I saw theChief Forecaster, dead as any one can be -- Dead and damned and shut inHades as a liar from his birth, With a record of unreason seldom paralleledon earth. While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incadescent youth,