魔鬼词典-20

Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California,wasaddicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as ifastream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his backand153THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYhiding in his hair.San Jose was at that time believed to behaunted by thevisible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who hadbeen hangedthere.The town was not very well lighted, and it isputting it mildly to saythat San Jose was reluctant to be out o'nights.One particularly dark nighttwo gentlemen were abroad in theloneliest spot within the city limits,talking loudly to keep up theircourage, when they came upon Mr. J.J.Owen, a well-known journalist. "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings youhere on such a night asthis?You told me that this is one of Vasquez'favorite haunts!Andyou are a believer.Aren't you afraid to be out?" "Mydear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnalcadence in hisspeech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I amafraid to be in.I have oneof Will Morrow's stories in my pocket andI don't dare to go where there islight enough to read it." Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative CharlesF. Joy werestanding near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussingthequestion, Is success a failure?Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in themiddleof an eloquent sentence, exclaiming:"Hello!I've heard thatbandbefore.Santlemann's, I think." "I don't hear any band," said Schley. "Cometo think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see GeneralMiles coming down theavenue, and that pageant always affects me inthe same way as a brassband.One has to scrutinize one's impressionspretty closely, or one willmistake their origin." While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal ofphilosophyGeneral Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressivedignity. When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and thetwoobservers had recovered from the transient blindness caused byitseffulgence -- "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral."There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoysone-half sowell."The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a milefromthe village of Jebigue, in Missouri.One day he rode into townon a favoritemule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of astreet, in front of asaloon, he went inside in his character ofteetotaler, to apprise thebarkeeper that wine is a mocker.It was adreadfully hot day.Pretty soon aneighbor came in and seeing Clark,said: "Champ, it is not right to leavethat mule out there in the sun. He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I154THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYpassed him." "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's aninveteratesmoker." The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head andrepeated thatit was not right. He was a conspirator.There had been a firethe night before:astable just around the corner had burned and a number ofhorses hadput on their immortality, among them a young colt, which wasroastedto a rich nut-brown.Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark'smuleloose and substituted the mortal part of the colt.Presently anothermanentered the saloon. "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "doremove thatmule, barkeeper:it smells." "Yes," interposed Clark, "thatanimal has the best nose inMissouri.But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't."In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there,apparently,lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger.The boys idd nothave any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at thebody and, with the noncommittal expression to which he owes so muchof his political preferment,went away.But walking home late thatnight he saw his mule standingsilent and solemn by the wayside in themisty moonlight.Mentioning thename of Helen Blazes with uncommonemphasis, Mr. Clark took the backtrack as hard as ever he could hookit, and passed the night in town.General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, hasapet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligencebutimperfectly beautiful.Returning to his apartment one evening,theGeneral was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creatureisnamed, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearinghismaster's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. "You confounded remoteancestor!" thundered the great strategist,"what do you mean by being outof bed after naps? -- and with my coaton!" Adam rose and with areproachful look got down on all fours in themanner of his kind and,scuffling across the room to a table, returnedwith a visiting-card:GeneralBarry had called and, judging by anempty champagne bottle and severalcigar-stumps, had been hospitablyentertained while waiting.The generalapologized to his faithfulprogenitor and retired.The next day he metGeneral Barry, who said: "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last eveningI forgot to ask youabout those excellent cigars.Where did you get them?"General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. "Pardon me,155THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYplease," said Barry, moving after him; "I was jokingof course.Why, I knewit was not you before I had been in the roomfifteen minutes."SUCCESS, n.The one unpardonable sin against one'sfellows.Inliterature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of successareexceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the followinglinesby the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for somemysteriousreason, "John A. Joyce."The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking inprose and wear A crimson cravat, a far-away look And a head ofhexameter hair. Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; If youwear your hair long you needn't your hat.SUFFRAGE, n.Expression of opinion by means of a ballot.The rightofsuffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means,ascommonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of anotherman'schoice, and is highly prized.Refusal to do so has the bad nameof"incivism."The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned for hiscrime, for there is no legitimate accuser.If the accuser ishimself guilty hehas no standing in the court of opinion; if not, heprofits by the crime, forA's abstention from voting gives greaterweight to the vote of B.By femalesuffrage is meant the right of awoman to vote as some man tells her to.It isbased on femaleresponsibility, which is somewhat limited.The womanmost eager tojump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jumpbackinto it when threatened with a switching for misusing them.SYCOPHANT, n.One who approaches Greatness on his belly so thathemay not be commanded to turn and be kicked.He is sometimes aneditor.As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased To fix itself upon a partdiseased Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, It drops to die ofsurfeit in the mud, So the base sycophant with joy descries His neighbor'sweak spot and his mouth applies, Gorges and prospers like the leech,although, Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. Gelasma, if it paid you todevote Your talent to the service of a goat, Showing by forceful logic thatits beard Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; If to the task of honoringits smell Profit had prompted you, and love as well, The world wouldbenefit at last by you And wealthy malefactors weep anew -- Your favor156THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYfor a moment's space denied And to the nobler object turned aside. Is't notenough that thrifty millionaires Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly To safer villainies of darkerdye, Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, To steal (they call it"cornering") our bread May see you groveling their boots to lick Andbegging for the favor of a kick? Still must you follow to the bitter endYour sycophantic disposition's trend, And in your eagerness to please therich Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? In Morgan's praise you smitethe sounding wire, And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher! What's Satandone that him you should eschew? He too is reeking rich -- deducting_you_.SYLLOGISM, n.A logical formula consisting of a major and aminorassumption and an inconsequent.(See LOGIC.)SYLPH, n.An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the airwhenthe air was an element and before it was fatally polluted withfactorysmoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization.Sylphswereallied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt,respectively,in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious.Sylphs, likefowls ofthe air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for iftheyhad progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none ofthechicks having ever been seen.SYMBOL, n.Something that is supposed to typify or standforsomething else.Many symbols are mere "survivals" --thingswhichhaving no longer any utility continue to exist because wehaveinherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carvedonmemorial monuments.They were once real urns holding the ashes ofthedead.We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a namethatconceals our helplessness.SYMBOLIC, adj.Pertaining to symbols and the use andinterpretationof symbols.They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; I hold that that's thestomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted That when he's sinnedhe's somewhat bloated, Or ill some other ghastly fashion Within thatbowel of compassion. True, I believe the only sinner Is he that eats a157THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYshabby dinner. You know how Adam with good reason, For eating applesout of season, Was "cursed."But that is all symbolic: The truth is, Adamhad the colic.TT, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by theGreeksabsurdly called _tau_.In the alphabet whence ours comes it hadtheform of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stoodalone(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do)signified_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."TABLE D'HOTE, n.A caterer's thrifty concession to theuniversalpassion for irresponsibility.Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, Took Madam P. to table, And theredeliriously fed As fast as he was able."I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon its throatage. "Ah, yes,"said the neglected bride, "You're in your _table d'hotage_."Associated PoetsTAIL, n.The part of an animal's spine that has transcended itsnaturallimitations to set up an independent existence in a world ofitsown.Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, aprivation of whichhe attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousnessby the coat-skirt of themale and the train of the female, and by amarked tendency to ornamentthat part of his attire where the tailshould be, and indubitably oncewas.This tendency is most observablein the female of the species, inwhom the ancestral sense is strongand persistent.The tailed men describedby Lord Monboddo are nowgenerally regarded as a product of animagination unusuallysusceptible to influences generated in the golden ageof our pithecanpast.TAKE, v.t.To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.TALK, v.t.To commit an indiscretion without temptation, fromanimpulse without purpose.TARIFF, n.A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect158THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthedomestic producer against the greed of his consumer.The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hellhad been annexed of late, And was a sovereign Southern State."It were no more than right," said he, "That I should get my fuel free.The duty, neither just nor wise, Compels me to economize -- Whereby mybroilers, every one, Are execrably underdone. What would they have? -although I yearn To do them nicely to a turn, I can't afford an honest heat.This tariff makes even devils cheat! I'm ruined, and my humble trade Allrascals may at will invade: Beneath my nose the public press Outdoes mein sulphureousness; The bar ingeniously applies To my undoing my ownlies; My medicines the doctors use (Albeit vainly) to refuse To me my fairand rightful prey And keep their own in shape to pay; The preachers byexample teach What, scorning to perform, I teach; And statesmen, apingme, all make More promises than they can break. Against suchcompetition I Lift up a disregarded cry. Since all ignore my just complaint,By Hokey-Pokey!I'll turn saint!" Now, the Republicans, who all Are saints,began at once to bawl Against _his_ competition; so There was a devil of ago! They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete In acrimonious debate, TillDemocrats, forlorn and lone, Had hopes of coming by their own. That evilto avert, in haste The two belligerents embraced; But since 'twere wickedto relax A tittle of the Sacred Tax, 'Twas finally agreed to grant The boldInsurgent-protestant A bounty on each soul that fell Into his ineffectualHell.Edam SmithTECHNICALITY, n.In an English court a man named Home wastried forslander in having accused his neighbor of murder.His exactwordswere:"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken hiscookupon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulderandthe other side upon the other shoulder."The defendant was acquittedbyinstruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the wordsdid notcharge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook,that beingonly an inference.TEDIUM, n.Ennui, the state or condition of one that isbored.Manyfanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so159THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYhigh anauthority as Father Jape says that it comes from a veryobvioussource -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _TeDeumLaudamus_.In this apparently natural derivation there issomethingthat saddens.TEETOTALER, n.One who abstains from strong drink, sometimestotally,sometimes tolerably totally.TELEPHONE, n.An invention of the devil which abrogates some oftheadvantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.TELESCOPE, n.A device having a relation to the eye similar to thatofthe telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague uswith amultitude of needless details.Luckily it is unprovided with abellsummoning us to the sacrifice.TENACITY, n.A certain quality of the human hand in its relation tothecoin of the realm.It attains its highest development in the handof authorityand is considered a serviceable equipment for a career inpolitics.Thefollowing illustrative lines were written of aCalifornian gentleman in highpolitical preferment, who has passed tohis accounting:Of such tenacity his grip That nothing from his hand can slip. Wellbuttered eels you may o'erwhelm In tubs of liquid slippery-elm In vain -from his detaining pinch They cannot struggle half an inch! 'Tis lucky thathe so is planned That breath he draws not with his hand, For if he did, sogreat his greed He'd draw his last with eager speed. Nay, that were well,you say.Not so He'd draw but never let it go!THEOSOPHY, n.An ancient faith having all the certitude ofreligionand all the mystery of science.The modern Theosophist holds,withthe Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times onthisearth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enoughforour complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetimedoes notsuffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose towish tobecome.To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection;and theTheosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed thateverythingdesirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competentobservers are disposed to except cats, which seemneither wiser nor betterthan they were last year.The greatest andfattest of recent Theosophists was160THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthe late Madame Blavatsky, who hadno cat.TIGHTS, n.An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforcethegeneral acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity.Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment toMissLillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjecturesasto her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high orderofingenuity and sustained reflection.It was Miss Hall's belief thatnaturehad not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs.This theorywasimpossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but theconception ofa faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality asto rank among themost brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! It is strange that in all thecontroversy regarding Miss Russell'saversion to tights no one seems tohave thought to ascribe it to whatwas known among the ancients as"modesty."The nature of thatsentiment is now imperfectly understood, andpossibly incapable ofexposition with the vocabulary that remains to us.Thestudy of lostarts has, however, been recently revived and some of theartsthemselves recovered.This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and thereisground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from itshidingplace amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to thestage.TOMB, n.The House of Indifference.Tombs are now by commonconsentinvested with a certain sanctity, but when they have beenlongtenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them,thefamous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb maybeinnocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," thesoulbeing then all exhaled.This reasonable view is now generallyaccepted byarchaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity hasbeen greatlydignified.TOPE, v.To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In theindividual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but topingnations are in theforefront of civilization and power.When pittedagainst the hard-drinkingChristians the absemious Mahometans go downlike grass before thescythe.In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-sodaguzzling Britons hold in subjection twohundred and fifty millionvegetarian abstainers of the same Aryanrace.With what an easy grace the161THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYwhisky-loving American pushed thetemperate Spaniard out of hispossessions!From the time when theBerserkers ravaged all the coasts ofwestern Europe and lay drunk inevery conquered port it has been the sameway:everywhere the nationsthat drink too much are observed to fightrather well and not toorighteously.Wherefore the estimable old ladies whoabolished thecanteen from the American army may justly boast of havingmateriallyaugmented the nation's military power.TORTOISE, n.A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasionforthe following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:TO MY PET TORTOISEMy friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; Your gait's between astagger and a sprawl.Nor are you beautiful:your head's a snake's To look at, and I do notdoubt it aches.As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. 'Tis true you take them inwhene'er you sleep.