魔鬼词典-19

Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.Of two evils choose to be the least.Strike while your employer has a big contract.Where there's a will there's a won't.SCARABAEUS, n.The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, alliedtoour familiar "tumble-bug."It was supposed to symbolize immortality,thefact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.Its habitof incubatingits eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended itto the favor of thepriesthood, and may some day assure it an equalreverence amongourselves.True, the American beetle is an inferiorbeetle, but the Americanpriest is an inferior priest.SCARABEE, n.The same as scarabaeus.145THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYHe fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak tree. He'd traveled in aforeign land. He tried to make her understand The dance that's called theSaraband, But he called it Scarabee. He had called it so through anafternoon, And she, the light of his harem if so might be, Had smiled andsaid naught.O the body was fair to see, All frosted there in the shine o' themoon -- Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late. O Fate!They buried him where he lay, He sleeps awaiting the Day, In state, Andtwo Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, Gloom over the grave and thenmove on. Dead for a Scarabee!Fernando TappleSCARIFICATION, n.A form of penance practised by the mediaevalpious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with ahotiron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if thepenitentspared himself no pain nor harmlessdisfigurement.Scarification,with other crude penances, has now beensuperseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of auniversity is said toyield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting painthan isconferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer meansofgrace.There are, however, two grave objections to it as apenitentialmethod:the good that it does and the taint of justice.SCEPTER, n.A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol ofhisauthority.It was originally a mace with which the sovereignadmonishedhis jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking thebones of theirproponents.SCIMETAR, n.A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conductofwhich certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as theincidenthere related will serve to show.The account is translatedfrom the Japaneseby Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenthcentury.When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemnedtodecapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court.Soon afterthe hourappointed for performance of the rite what was hisMajesty's surprise to seecalmly approaching the throne the manwho should have been at that timeten minutes dead! "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted theenragedmonarch."Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-placeandhave your head struck off by the public executioner at146THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthreeo'clock?And is it not now 3:10?" "Son of a thousand illustriousdeities," answered thecondemned minister, "all that you say is so true thatthe truth isa lie in comparison.But your heavenly Majesty's sunnyandvitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded.With joy Iran andplaced my unworthy body in the market-place.Theexecutioner appearedwith his bare scimetar, ostentatiouslywhirled it in air, and then, tapping melightly upon the neck,strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom Iwas ever afavorite.I am come to pray for justice upon his owndishonorableand treasonous head." "To what regiment of executionersdoes the black-boweled caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. "To the gallantNinety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- Iknow the man.His name isSakko-Samshi." "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado toanattendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in thePresence. "Thoubastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!"roared thesovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neckthat it should havebeen thy pleasure to sever?" "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," repliedthe executioner,unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with hisfingers." Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose andtrumpetedlike an elephant, all expecting to see the severed headflungviolently from him.Nothing occurred:the performanceprosperedpeacefully to the close, without incident. All eyes were nowturned on the executioner, who had grown aswhite as the snows on thesummit of Fujiama.His legs trembledand his breath came in gasps of terror."Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am aruined anddisgraced swordsman!I struck the villain feeblybecause in flourishing thescimetar I had accidentally passed itthrough my own neck!Father of theMoon, I resign my office." So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off hishead, andadvancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.SCRAP-BOOK, n.A book that is commonly edited by afool.Manypersons of some small distinction compile scrap-bookscontainingwhatever they happen to read about themselves or employothers tocollect.One of these egotists was addressed in the linesfollowing,by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast You keep a record true147THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYOf every kind of peppered roast That's made of you;Wherein you paste the printed gibes That revel round your name,Thinking the laughter of the scribes Attests your fame;Where all the pictures you arrange That comic pencils trace --Yourfunny figure and your strange Semitic face --Pray lend it me.Wit I have not, Nor art, but there I'll list The dailydrubbings you'd have got Had God a fist.SCRIBBLER, n.A professional writer whose views are antagonistictoone's own.SCRIPTURES, n.The sacred books of our holy religion,asdistinguished from the false and profane writings on which allotherfaiths are based.SEAL, n.A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents toattesttheir authenticity and authority.Sometimes it is stamped uponwax,and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself.Sealing,inthis sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribingimportant paperswith cabalistic words or signs to give them a magicalefficacy independentof the authority that they represent.In theBritish museum are preservedmany ancient papers, mostly of asacerdotal character, validated bynecromantic pentagrams and otherdevices, frequently initial letters ofwords to conjure with; and inmany instances these are attached in thesame way that seals areappended now.As nearly every reasonless andapparently meaninglesscustom, rite or observance of modern times hadorigin in some remoteutility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancientnonsenseevolving in the process of ages into something reallyuseful.Ourword "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, butthelearned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absenceofthe cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters wereformerlyclosed from public scrutiny.Either view of the matter willserve one inimmediate need of an hypothesis.The initials L.S.,commonly appended tosignatures of legal documents, mean _locumsigillis_, the place of the seal,although the seal is no longer used-- an admirable example ofconservatism distinguishing Man from thebeasts that perish.The words_locum sigillis_ are humbly suggestedas a suitable motto for the Pribyloff148THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYIslands whenever they shall taketheir place as a sovereign State of theAmerican Union.SEINE, n.A kind of net for effecting an involuntary changeofenvironment.For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women aremoreeasily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted withsmall, cutstones.The devil casting a seine of lace, (With precious stones 'twas weighted)Drew it into the landing place And its contents calculated.All souls of women were in that sack -- A draft miraculous, precious!But ere he could throw it across his back They'd all escaped through themeshes.Baruch de LoppisSELF-ESTEEM, n.An erroneous appraisement.SELF-EVIDENT, adj.Evident to one's self and to nobody else.SELFISH, adj.Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.SENATE, n.A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high dutiesandmisdemeanors.SERIAL, n.A literary work, usually a story that is not true,creepingthrough several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appendedto each installment is a "synposis of precedingchapters" for those whohave not read them, but a direr need is asynposis of succeeding chaptersfor those who do not intend to read_them_.A synposis of the entire workwould be still better. The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial talefor a weeklypaper in collaboration with a genius whose name has notcome down tous.They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowmansupplying theinstallment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on,worldwithout end, they hoped.Unfortunately they quarreled, and oneMondaymorning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for histask, hefound his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and painhim.Hiscollaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on ashipand sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic.SEVERALTY, n.Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., landsheldindividually, not in joint ownership.Certain tribes of Indiansarebelieved now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty thelands149THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthat they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and couldnot sell to theWhites for waxen beads and potato whiskey.Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind Saw death before, hell andthe grave behind; Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay -- His smallbelongings their appointed prey; Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile,Persuaded elsewhere every little while! His fire unquenched and hisundying worm By "land in severalty" (charming term!) Are cooled andkilled, respectively, at last, And he to his new holding anchored fast!SHERIFF, n.In America the chief executive office of a country,whosemost characteristic duties, in some of the Western andSouthernStates, are the catching and hanging of rogues.John Elmer Pettibone Cajee (I write of him with little glee) Was just asbad as he could be.'Twas frequently remarked:"I swon! The sun has never looked upon Sobad a man as Neighbor John."A sinner through and through, he had This added fault:it made himmad To know another man was bad.In such a case he thought it right To rise at any hour of night Andquench that wicked person's light.Despite the town's entreaties, he Would hale him to the nearest treeAnd leave him swinging wide and free.Or sometimes, if the humor came, A luckless wight's reluctant frameWas given to the cheerful flame.While it was turning nice and brown, All unconcerned John met thefrown Of that austere and righteous town."How sad," his neighbors said, "that he So scornful of the law shouldbe -- An anar c, h, i, s, t."(That is the way that they preferred To utter the abhorrent word, Sostrong the aversion that it stirred.)"Resolved," they said, continuing, "That Badman John must cease thisthing Of having his unlawful fling."Now, by these sacred relics" -- here Each man had out a souvenir Gotat a lynching yesteryear -"By these we swear he shall forsake His ways, nor cause our hearts to150THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYache By sins of rope and torch and stake."We'll tie his red right hand until He'll have small freedom to fulfil Themandates of his lawless will."So, in convention then and there, They named him Sheriff.The affairWas opened, it is said, with prayer.J. Milton SloluckSIREN, n.One of several musical prodigies famous for a vainattemptto dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave.Figuratively,anylady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose anddisappointingperformance.SLANG, n.The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramusintolerabilis_)with an audible memory.The speech of one who utters withhis tonguewhat he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creatorinaccomplishing the feat of a parrot.A means (under Providence) ofsettingup as a wit without a capital of sense.SMITHAREEN, n.A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain.Theword isused variously, but in the following verse on a noted femalereformerwho opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to thedevil"it is seen at its best:The wheels go round without a sound -- The maidens hold high revel;In sinful mood, insanely gay, True spinsters spin adown the way Fromduty to the devil! They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling! Their bells goall the morning; Their lanterns bright bestar the night Pedestrians awarning. With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, Good-Lording and Omying, Her rheumatism forgotten quite, Her fat with anger frying. Sheblocks the path that leads to wrath, Jack Satan's power defying. Thewheels go round without a sound The lights burn red and blue and green.What's this that's found upon the ground? Poor Charlotte Smith's asmithareen!John William YopeSOPHISTRY, n.The controversial method of an opponent,distinguishedfrom one's own by superior insincerity and fooling.Thismethod isthat of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers whobeganby teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever151THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYmenought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fogofwords.His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry tolight of day; Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort Tofalsehood of so desperate a sort. Not so; like sods upon a dead man'sbreast, He lies most lightly who the least is pressed.Polydore SmithSORCERY, n.The ancient prototype and forerunner ofpoliticalinfluence.It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimeswaspunished by torture and death.Augustine Nicholas relates that apoorpeasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torturetocompel a confession.After enduring a few gentle agonies thesufferingsimpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked histormentors if it were notpossible to be a sorcerer without knowingit.SOUL, n.A spiritual entity concerning which there hath beenbravedisputation.Plato held that those souls which in a previous stateofexistence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpsesofeternal truth entered into the bodies of persons whobecamephilosophers.Plato himself was a philosopher.The souls thathadleast contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpersanddespots.Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broadbrowed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot.Plato, doubtless, wasnotthe first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quotedagainsthis enemies; certainly he was not the last. "Concerning the nature of thesoul," saith the renowned author of_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hathbeen hardly more argument thanthat of its place in the body.Mine ownbelief is that the soul hathher seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we maydiscern and interpreta truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the gluttonis of all menmost devout.He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of hisbelly'-- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity withhimto freshen his faith?Who so well as he can know the might andmajestythat he shrines?Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomachare one DivineEntity; and such was the belief of Promasius, whonevertheless erred indenying it immortality.He had observed thatits visible and material152THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYsubstance failed and decayed with the rest ofthe body after death, but of itsimmaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite,and it survives the wreck and reekof mortality, to be rewarded or punishedin another world, accordingto what it hath demanded in the flesh.TheAppetite whose coarseclamoring was for the unwholesome viands of thegeneral market and thepublic refectory shall be cast into eternal famine,whilst that whichfirmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare,terrapin,anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christiancomestiblesshall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever andever,and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarestandrichest wines ever quaffed here below.Such is my religiousfaith,though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope norHisGrace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally andprofoundlyrevere) will assent to its dissemination."SPOOKER, n.A writer whose imagination concerns itselfwithsupernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks.One ofthemost illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells,whointroduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable andmannerly acompany of spooks as one could wish to meet.To the terrorthat invests thechairman of a district school board, the Howellsghost adds something ofthe mystery enveloping a farmer from anothertownship.STORY, n.A narrative, commonly untrue.The truth of the storiesherefollowing has, however, not been successfully impeached.One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seatedatdinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. "Mr.Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_,is publishedanonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of itsauthorship.Yet inreviewing it you speak of it as the work of theIdiot of the Century.Do youthink that fair criticism?" "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably,"but it didnot occur to me that you really might not wish the public toknow whowrote it."