魔鬼词典-18

J.P. MorganThe sayings of many in the hands of one.Eugene DebsTo these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feelsthat hecan add nothing of value.RIDICULE, n.Words designed to show that the person of whom theyareuttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing himwhoutters them.It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftesburyis quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- aridiculous assertion,for many a solemn fallacy has undergonecenturies of ridicule with noabatement of its popular acceptance. What, for example, has been morevalorously derided than the doctrineof Infant Respectability?137THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYRIGHT, n.Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the rightto bea king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to havemeasles, and thelike.The first of these rights was once universallybelieved to be deriveddirectly from the will of God; and this isstill sometimes affirmed _inpartibus infidelium_ outside theenlightened realms of Democracy; as thewell known lines of SirAbednego Bink, following:By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? Whose is the sanction of theirstate and pow'r? He surely were as stubborn as a mule Who, Godunwilling, could maintain an hour His uninvited session on the throne, orair His pride securely in the Presidential chair.Whatever is is so by Right Divine; Whate'er occurs, God wills itso.Good land! It were a wondrous thing if His design A fool could baffleor a rogue withstand! If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) Is guiltyof contributory negligence.RIGHTEOUSNESS, n.A sturdy virtue that was once found amongthePantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula ofOque.Somefeeble attempts were made by returned missionaries tointroduce itinto several European countries, but it appears to havebeenimperfectly expounded.An example of this faulty exposition isfoundin the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, acharacteristicpassage from which is here given:"Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state ofmind, noryet in performance of religious rites and obedience tothe letter of the law.Itis not enough that one be pious andjust:one must see to it that others alsoare in the same state;and to this end compulsion is a propermeans.Forasmuch as myinjustice may work ill to another, so by hisinjustice may evil bewrought upon still another, the which it is asmanifestly my dutyto estop as to forestall mine own tort.Wherefore if Iwould berighteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force ifneedful,in all those injurious enterprises from which, through abetterdisposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain."RIME, n.Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostlybad.Theverses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostlydull.Usually(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme."138THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYRIMER, n.A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and thesense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds thepassions burning in his breast. The rising moon o'er that enchanted landPauses to hear and yearns to understand.Mowbray MylesRIOT, n.A popular entertainment given to the military byinnocentbystanders.R.I.P.A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attestingtoindolent goodwill to the dead.According to the learned Dr.Drigge,however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductusinpulvis_.RITE, n.A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law,preceptor custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezedoutof it.RITUALISM, n.A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk inrectilinearfreedom, keeping off the grass.ROAD, n.A strip of land along which one may pass from where itistoo tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank thegood Lord, at least one leads back home.Borey the BaldROBBER, n.A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that onenight he and some travelingcompanion lodged at a wayside inn.Thesurroundings were suggestive,and after supper they agreed to tell robberstories in turn."Oncethere was a Farmer-General of the Revenues."Sayingnothing more, hewas encouraged to continue."That," he said, "is thestory."ROMANCE, n.Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of ThingsasThey Are.In the novel the writer's thought is tethered toprobability, as adomestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romanceit ranges at will overthe entire region of the imagination -- free,lawless, immune to bit andrein.Your novelist is a poor creature, asCarlyle might say -- a merereporter.He may invent his charactersand plot, but he must not imagine139THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYanything taking place that might notoccur, albeit his entire narrative iscandidly a lie.Why he imposesthis hard condition on himself, and "dragsat each remove alengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain inten thickvolumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray theblackprofound of his own ignorance of the matter.There are greatnovels,for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, butitremains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that wehave is"The Thousand and One Nights."ROPE, n.An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins thattheytoo are mortal.It is put about the neck and remains in place one'swholelife long.It has been largely superseded by a more complexelectricaldevice worn upon another part of the person; and this israpidly givingplace to an apparatus known as the preachment.ROSTRUM, n.In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of aship.InAmerica, a place from which a candidate for officeenergeticallyexpounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.ROUNDHEAD, n.A member of the Parliamentarian party in theEnglishcivil war --so called from his habit of wearing his hairshort,whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long.There wereotherpoints of difference between them, but the fashion in hair wasthefundamental cause of quarrel.The Cavaliers were royalists becausetheking, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hairgrow thanto wash his neck.This the Roundheads, who were mostlybarbers and soapboilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royalneck was therefore theobject of their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents nowwear their hair all alike, but thefires of animosity enkindled in that ancientstrife smoulder to thisday beneath the snows of British civility.RUBBISH, n.Worthless matter, such as the religions,philosophies,literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting theregionslying due south from Boreaplas.RUIN, v.To destroy.Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in thevirtueof maids.RUM, n.Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness intotalabstainers.140THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYRUMOR, n.A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, By guard unparried as by flightunstayed, O serviceable Rumor, let me wield Against my enemy no otherblade. His be the terror of a foe unseen, His the inutile hand upon the hilt,And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, Hinting a rumor of someancient guilt. So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, Spare me tocelebrate his overthrow, And nurse my valor for another foe.Joel BuxterRUSSIAN, n.A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongoliansoul.ATartar Emetic.SSABBATH, n.A weekly festival having its origin in the fact thatGodmade the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.AmongtheJews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of whichthisis the Christian version:"Remember the seventh day to makethyneighbor keep it wholly."To the Creator it seemed fit and expedientthatthe Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the EarlyFathers of theChurch held other views.So great is the sanctity ofthe day that even wherethe Lord holds a doubtful and precariousjurisdiction over those who godown to (and down into) the sea it isreverently recognized, as is manifestin the following deep-waterversion of the Fourth Commandment:Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventhholystone the deck and scrape the cable.Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies thecaptainwith opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divineordinance.SACERDOTALIST, n.One who holds the belief that a clergyman isapriest.Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challengethat isnow flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by theNeo-Dictionarians.SACRAMENT, n.A solemn religious ceremony to which severaldegrees ofauthority and significance are attached.Rome has seven141THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYsacraments,but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel thatthey canafford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.Some of thesmallersects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy theywillindubitable be damned.SACRED, adj.Dedicated to some religious purpose; having adivinecharacter; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the DalaiLamaof Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon;theCow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancientEgypt;the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.All things are either sacred or profane. The former to ecclesiasts bringgain; The latter to the devil appertain.Dumbo OmohundroSANDLOTTER, n.A vertebrate mammal holding the political viewsofDenis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whoseaudiencesgathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town.True tothetraditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finallyboughtoff by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silentand dyingimpenitently rich.But before his treason he imposed uponCalifornia aconstitution that was a confection of sin in a diction ofsolecisms.Thesimilarity between the words "sandlotter" and"sansculotte" isproblematically significant, but indubitablysuggestive.SAFETY-CLUTCH, n.A mechanical device acting automatically topreventthe fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to thehoistingapparatus.Once I seen a human ruin In an elevator-well, And his members wasbestrewin' All the place where he had fell.And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: "Yourposition's so surprisin' That I tremble for your neck!"Then that ruin, smilin' sadly And impressive, up and spoke: "Well, Iwouldn't tremble badly, For it's been a fortnight broke."Then, for further comprehension Of his attitude, he begs I will focusmy attention On his various arms and legs --How they all are contumacious; Where they each, respective, lie; Howone trotter proves ungracious, T'other one an _alibi_.142THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYThese particulars is mentioned For to show his dismal state, Which Iwasn't first intentioned To specifical relate.None is worser to be dreaded That I ever have heard tell Than thegent's who there was spreaded In that elevator-well.Now this tale is allegoric -- It is figurative all, For the well ismetaphoric And the feller didn't fall.I opine it isn't moral For a writer-man to cheat, And despise to wear alaurel As was gotten by deceit.For 'tis Politics intended By the elevator, mind, It will boost a personsplendid If his talent is the kind.Col. Bryan had the talent (For the busted man is him) And it shot himup right gallant Till his head begun to swim.Then the rope it broke above him And he painful come to earth Wherethere's nobody to love him For his detrimented worth.Though he's livin' none would know him, Or at leastwise not as such.Moral of this woful poem: Frequent oil your safety-clutch.Porfer PoogSAINT, n.A dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleansrelates that the irreverent oldcalumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in hisyouth had known St. Francisde Sales, said, on hearing him called saint:"Iam delighted to hearthat Monsieur de Sales is a saint.He was fond ofsaying indelicatethings, and used to cheat at cards.In other respects he wasaperfect gentleman, though a fool."SALACITY, n.A certain literary quality frequently observed inpopularnovels, especially in those written by women and young girls,who give itanother name and think that in introducing it they areoccupying aneglected field of letters and reaping an overlookedharvest.If they have themisfortune to live long enough they aretormented with a desire to burntheir sheaves.SALAMANDER, n.Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later,ananthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile.Salamanders arenowbelieved to be extinct, the last one of which we have an accounthavingbeen seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised itwith abucket of holy water.143THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYSARCOPHAGUS, n.Among the Greeks a coffin which being made ofacertain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property ofdevouringthe body placed in it.The sarcophagus known to modernobsequiographersis commonly a product of the carpenter's art.SATAN, n.One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repentedinsashcloth and axes.Being instated as an archangel, Satan madehimselfmultifariously objectionable and was finally expelledfromHeaven.Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thoughtamoment and at last went back."There is one favor that I should liketoask," said he. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created.He willneed laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from thedawnof eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to makehislaws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to makethemhimself." It was so ordered.SATIETY, n.The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eatenitscontents, madam.SATIRE, n.An obsolete kind of literary composition in which thevicesand follies of the author's enemies were expounded withimperfecttenderness.In this country satire never had more than asickly and uncertainexistence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein weare dolefully deficient, thehumor that we mistake for it, like allhumor, being tolerant andsympathetic.Moreover, although Americansare "endowed by their Creator"with abundant vice and folly, it is notgenerally known that these arereprehensible qualities, wherefore thesatirist is popularly regarded as asoul-spirited knave, and his evervictim's outcry for codefendants evokes anational assent.Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung In the dead language of amummy's tongue, For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well --Thyspirit (usefully employed) in Hell. Had it been such as consecrates theBible Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.Barney StimsSATYR, n.One of the few characters of the Grecian mythologyaccordedrecognition in the Hebrew.(Leviticus, xvii, 7.)The satyr wasatfirst a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a144THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYlooseallegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformationsandimprovements.Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, alaterand decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man andmorelike a goat.SAUCE, n.The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. Apeople with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with onesauce hasonly nine hundred and ninety-nine.For every sauce inventedand accepted avice is renounced and forgiven.SAW, n.A trite popular saying, or proverb.(Figurativeandcolloquial.)So called because it makes its way into a wooden head.Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.A penny saved is a penny to squander.A man is known by the company that he organizes. A bad workmanquarrels with the man who calls him that.A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.Better late than before anybody has invited you.Example is better than following it.Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.Least said is soonest disavowed.He laughs best who laughs least.