魔鬼词典-16

that make against his interest and accentuatethose in the line of hisdesire.Invention of the precedent elevatesthe trial-at-law from the lowestate of a fortuitous ordeal to thenoble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.PRECIPITATE, adj.Anteprandial.Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner.JudibrasPRECEDENT, n.In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which,inthe absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority aJudgemay choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as hepleases.As there are precedents for everything, he hasonly to ignore thosethat make against his interest and accentuatethose in the line of hisdesire.Invention of the precedent elevatesthe trial-at-law from the lowestate of a fortuitous ordeal to thenoble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.PRECIPITATE, adj.Anteprandial.Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner.JudibrasPREDESTINATION, n.The doctrine that all things occur accordingtoprogramme.This doctrine should not be confused with thatofforeordination, which means that all things are programmed, but doesnotaffirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from otherdoctrinesby which this is entailed.The difference is great enoughto have delugedChristendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction ofthe two doctrines kept well in mind, and areverent belief in both, one mayhope to escape perdition if spared.PREDICAMENT, n.The wage of consistency.PREDILECTION, n.The preparatory stage of disillusion.PRE-EXISTENCE, n.An unnoted factor in creation.PREFERENCE, n.A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced bytheerroneous belief that one thing is better than another. An ancient122THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYphilosopher, expounding his conviction that life is nobetter than death,was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. "Because," he replied,"death is no better than life." It is longer.PREHISTORIC, adj.Belonging to an early period and a museum.Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd andphantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, Set down greatevents in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll orfortuitous In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.Orpheus BowenPREJUDICE, n.A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.PRELATE, n.A church officer having a superior degree of holinessanda fat preferment.One of Heaven's aristocracy.A gentleman of God.PREROGATIVE, n.A sovereign's right to do wrong.PRESBYTERIAN, n.One who holds the conviction that thegovernmentauthorities of the Church should be called presbyters.PRESCRIPTION, n.A physician's guess at what will best prolongthesituation with least harm to the patient.PRESENT, n.That part of eternity dividing the domainofdisappointment from the realm of hope.PRESENTABLE, adj.Hideously appareled after the manner of thetimeand place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions ofceremonyif he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow'stail; inNew York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunsethemust wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black.PRESIDE, v.To guide the action of a deliberative body to adesirableresult.In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as,"Hepresided at the piccolo."The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with a solemn face:"The music was very uncommonly grand -- The best that was everyprovided, For our townsman Brown presided At the organ with skill andgrace." The Headliner discontinued to read, And, spread the paper downOn the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: "Great playing byPresident Brown."123THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYOrpheus BowenPRESIDENCY, n.The greased pig in the field game ofAmericanpolitics.PRESIDENT, n.The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers oftheircountrymen did not want any of them for President.If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater To have been a simple andundamned spectator. Behold in me a man of mark and note Whom noelector e'er denied a vote! -- An undiscredited, unhooted gent Who might,for all we know, be President By acclimation.Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -I'm passing with a wide and open ear!Jonathan FomryPREVARICATOR, n.A liar in the caterpillar estate.PRICE, n.Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tearofconscience in demanding it.PRIMATE, n.The head of a church, especially a State churchsupportedby involuntary contributions.The Primate of England istheArchbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, whooccupiesLambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey whendead.He iscommonly dead.PRISON, n.A place of punishments and rewards.The poet assuresusthat -"Stone walls do not a prison make,"but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and themoralinstructor is no garden of sweets.PRIVATE, n.A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton inhisknapsack and an impediment in his hope.PROBOSCIS, n.The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serveshimin place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. Asked how he knewthat an elephant was going on a journey, theillustrious Jo. Miller cast areproachful look upon his tormentor, andanswered, absently:"When it isajar," and threw himself from a highpromontory into the sea.Thus perishedin his pride the most famoushumorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a124THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYheritage of woe!Nosuccessor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr.Edward bok, of_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for thepurity andsweetness of his personal character.PROJECTILE, n.The final arbiter in internationaldisputes.Formerlythese disputes were settled by physical contact of thedisputants,with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of thetimes couldsupply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth.With the growthofprudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more intofavor,and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous.Itscapital defect isthat it requires personal attendance at the point ofpropulsion.PROOF, n.Evidence having a shade more of plausibility thanofunlikelihood.The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed tothatof only one.PROOF-READER, n.A malefactor who atones for making yourwritingnonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.PROPERTY, n.Any material thing, having no particular value, thatmaybe held by A against the cupidity of B.Whatever gratifies thepassionfor possession in one and disappoints it in all others.Theobject of man'sbrief rapacity and long indifference.PROPHECY, n.The art and practice of selling one's credibilityforfuture delivery.PROSPECT, n.An outlook, usually forbidding.An expectation,usuallyforbidden.Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Whereevery prospect pleases, Save only that of death.Bishop SheberPROVIDENTIAL, adj.Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial totheperson so describing it.PRUDE, n.A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.PUBLISH, n.In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element inacone of critics.PUSH, n.One of the two things mainly conducive to success,especiallyin politics.The other is Pull.PYRRHONISM, n.An ancient philosophy, named for its125THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYinventor.Itconsisted of an absolute disbelief in everything butPyrrhonism.Itsmodern professors have added that.QQUEEN, n.A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is aking,and through whom it is ruled when there is not.QUILL, n.An implement of torture yielded by a goose andcommonlywielded by an ass.This use of the quill is now obsolete, butitsmodern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the sameeverlastingPresence.QUIVER, n.A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman andtheaboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.He extracted from his quiver, Did the controversial Roman, Anargument well fitted To the question as submitted, Then addressed it to theliver, Of the unpersuaded foeman.Oglum P. BoompQUIXOTIC, adj.Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote.An insightintothe beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective isunhappilydenied to him who has the misfortune to know that thegentleman's nameis pronounced Ke-ho-tay.When ignorance from out of our lives can banish Philology, 'tis folly toknow Spanish.Juan SmithQUORUM, n.A sufficient number of members of a deliberative bodytohave their own way and their own way of having it.In the UnitedStatesSenate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee onFinanceand a messenger from the White House; in the House ofRepresentatives,of the Speaker and the devil.QUOTATION, n.The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.The words erroneously repeated.Intent on making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible ofBrewer, Then made a solemn vow that we would be Condemned126THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYeternally.Ah, me, ah, me!Stumpo GakerQUOTIENT, n.A number showing how many times a sum of moneybelongingto one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usuallyaboutas many times as it can be got there.RRABBLE, n.In a republic, those who exercise a supremeauthoritytempered by fraudulent elections.The rabble is like thesacredSimurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that itdonothing.(The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent inourtongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")RACK, n.An argumentative implement formerly much used inpersuadingdevotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth.As a calltothe unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and isnowheld in light popular esteem.RANK, n.Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked why."Because," 'twas answered, "others lack His skill to scratch the royalback."Aramis JukesRANSOM, n.The purchase of that which neither belongs to theseller,nor can belong to the buyer.The most unprofitable of investments.RAPACITY, n.Providence without industry.The thrift of power.RAREBIT, n.A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, whopointout that it is not a rabbit.To whom it may be solemnly explainedthatthe comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, andthat _rizde-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf preparedafter the recipeof a she banker.RASCAL, n.A fool considered under another aspect.RASCALITY, n.Stupidity militant.The activity of a cloudedintellect.RASH, adj.Insensible to the value of our advice.127THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash.""Nay, this child makes no bet.""Great snakes! How can you be so rash?"Bootle P. GishRATIONAL, adj.Devoid of all delusions save those ofobservation,experience and reflection.RATTLESNAKE, n.Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_.RAZOR, n.An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance hisbeauty,by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American toaffirm his worth.REACH, n.The radius of action of the human hand.The areawithinwhich it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly thepropensityto provide.This is a truth, as old as the hills, That life and experience teach: Thepoor man suffers that keenest of ills, An impediment of his reach.READING, n.The general body of what one reads.In our countryitconsists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" andhumorin slang.We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what drawshis laughter We know his Hereafter. Read nothing, laugh never -- TheSphinx was less clever!Jupiter MukeRADICALISM, n.The conservatism of to-morrow injected intotheaffairs of to-day.RADIUM, n.A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organthata scientist is a fool with.RAILROAD, n.The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us togetaway from where we are to wher we are no better off.For thispurposethe railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for itpermitshim to make the transit with great expedition.RAMSHACKLE, adj.Pertaining to a certain order ofarchitecture,otherwise known as the Normal American.Most of the publicbuildingsof the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some ofourearlier architects preferred the Ironic.Recent additions to theWhite128THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYHouse in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order oftheDorians.They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars abrick.REALISM, n.The art of depicting nature as it is seem bytoads.Thecharm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a storywritten by ameasuring-worm.REALITY, n.The dream of a mad philosopher.That which wouldremainin the cupel if one should assay a phantom.The nucleus of avacuum.REALLY, adv.Apparently.REAR, n.In American military matters, that exposed part of thearmythat is nearest to Congress.REASON, v.i.To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.REASON, n.Propensitate of prejudice.REASONABLE, adj.Accessible to the infection of our own opinions.Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.REBEL, n.A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establishit.RECOLLECT, v.To recall with additions something notpreviouslyknown.RECONCILIATION, n.A suspension of hostilities.An armed truceforthe purpose of digging up the dead.RECONSIDER, v.To seek a justification for a decision already made.RECOUNT, n.In American politics, another throw of the dice,accordedto the player against whom they are loaded.RECREATION, n.A particular kind of dejection to relieve ageneralfatigue.RECRUIT, n.A person distinguishable from a civilian by hisuniformand from a soldier by his gait.Fresh from the farm or factory or street, His marching, in pursuit or inretreat, Were an impressive martial spectacle Except for two impediments-- his feet.