魔鬼词典-13

habitable earh and Canada.When the world was young and Man was new, And everything waspleasant, Distinctions Nature never drew 'Mongst kings and priest andpeasant. We're not that way at present, Save here in this Republic, whereWe have that old regime, For all are kings, however bare Their backs,98THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYhowe'er extreme Their hunger.And, indeed, each has a voice To accept thetyrant of his party's choice.A citizen who would not vote, And, therefore, was detested, Was oneday with a tarry coat (With feathers backed and breasted) By patriotsinvested. "It is your duty," cried the crowd, "Your ballot true to cast Forthe man o' your choice."He humbly bowed, And explained his wicked past:"That's what I very gladly would have done, Dear patriots, but he hasnever run."Apperton DukeMANES, n.The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans.Theywere ina state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which theyhadexhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to havebeenparticularly happy afterward.MANICHEISM, n.The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessantwarfarebetween Good and Evil.When Good gave up the fight thePersiansjoined the victorious Opposition.MANNA, n.A food miraculously given to the Israelites inthewilderness.When it was no longer supplied to them they settleddownand tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodiesof the originaloccupants.MARRIAGE, n.The state or condition of a community consisting ofamaster, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.MARTYR, n.One who moves along the line of least reluctance toadesired death.MATERIAL, adj.Having an actual existence, as distinguished fromanimaginary one.Important.Material things I know, or fell, or see; All else is immaterial to me.Jamrach HolobomMAUSOLEUM, n.The final and funniest folly of the rich.MAYONNAISE, n.One of the sauces which serve the French in placeof astate religion.ME, pro.The objectionable case of I.The personal pronoun inEnglishhas three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and theoppressive.Eachis all three.99THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYMEANDER, n.To proceed sinuously and aimlessly.The word istheancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south ofTroy,which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearingwhen theGreeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.MEDAL, n.A small metal disk given as a reward forvirtues,attainments or services more or less authentic. It is related ofBismark, who had been awarded a medal forgallantly rescuing a drowningperson, that, being asked the meaning ofthe medal, he replied:"I save livessometimes."And sometimes hedidn't.MEDICINE, n.A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog inBroadway.MEEKNESS, n.Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that isworthwhile.M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is Themeekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription,But M is for Moses Who slew the Egyptian._The Biographical Alphabet_MEERSCHAUM, n.(Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneouslysupposedto be made of it.)A fine white clay, which for convenienceincoloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by theworkmenengaged in that industry.The purpose of coloring it has notbeendisclosed by the manufacturers.There was a youth (you've heard before, This woeful tale, may be),Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore That color it would he!He shut himself from the world away, Nor any soul he saw. He smokeby night, he smoked by day, As hard as he could draw.His dog died moaning in the wrath Of winds that blew aloof; Theweeds were in the gravel path, The owl was on the roof."He's gone afar, he'll come no more," The neighbors sadly say. And sothey batter in the door To take his goods away.Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, Nut-brown in face and limb."That pipe's a lovely white," they say, "But it has colored him!"The moral there's small need to sing -- 'Tis plain as day to you: Don'tplay your game on any thing That is a gamester too.100THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYMartin BulstrodeMENDACIOUS, adj.Addicted to rhetoric.MERCHANT, n.One engaged in a commercial pursuit.Acommercialpursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.MERCY, n.An attribute beloved of detected offenders.MESMERISM, n.Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept acarriageand asked Incredulity to dinner.METROPOLIS, n.A stronghold of provincialism.MILLENNIUM, n.The period of a thousand years when the lid is tobescrewed down, with all reformers on the under side.MIND, n.A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.Itschiefactivity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature,the futility ofthe attempt being due to the fact that it has nothingbut itself to know itselfwith.From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknownto that honest shoe-seller,who, observing that his learned competitorover the way had displayed themotto "_Mens conscia recti_,"emblazoned his own front with the words"Men's, women's and children'sconscia recti."MINE, adj.Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.MINISTER, n.An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility.In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as thevisibleembodiment of his sovereign's hostility.His principal qualificationisa degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador.MINOR, adj.Less objectionable.MINSTREL, adj.Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a niggerwitha color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and bloodcanbear.MIRACLE, n.An act or event out of the order of natureandunaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an acewithfour aces and a king.MISCREANT, n.A person of the highest degree of unworth.Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its presentsignificationmay be regarded as theology's noblest contribution tothe development ofour language.MISDEMEANOR, n.An infraction of the law having less dignity than101THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYafelony and constituting no claim to admittance into the bestcriminalsociety.By misdemeanors he essays to climb Into the aristocracy of crime. O,woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand "Captains of industry"refused his hand, "Kings of finance" denied him recognition And "railwaymagnates" jeered his low condition. He robbed a bank to make himselfrespected. They still rebuffed him, for he was detected.S.V. HanipurMISERICORDE, n.A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was usedby thefoot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.MISFORTUNE, n.The kind of fortune that never misses.MISS, n.The title with which we brand unmarried women toindicatethat they are in the market.Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.)arethe three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, insoundand sense.Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master.Inthegeneral abolition of social titles in this our country theymiraculouslyescaped to plague us.If we must have them let us beconsistent and giveone to the unmarried man.I venture to suggestMush, abbreviated to Mh.MOLECULE, n.The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.Itisdistinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unitofmatter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,indivisibleunit of matter.Three great scientific theories of thestructure of the universeare the molecular, the corpuscular and theatomic.A fourth affirms, withHaeckel, the condensation ofprecipitation of matter from ether --whoseexistence is proved by thecondensation of precipitation.The present trendof scientificthought is toward the theory of ions.The ion differs fromthemolecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.A fifththeory isheld by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any moreabout the matterthan the others.MONAD, n.The ultimate, indivisible unit ofmatter.(See_Molecule_.)According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seemswilling tobe understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mindwithoutmanifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate powerofconsidering.He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, whichthe102THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYcreature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentlmean. Small ashe is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilitiesneedful to hisevolution into a German philosopher of the first class-- altogether a verycapable little fellow.He is not to beconfounded with the microbe, orbacillus; by its inability to discernhim, a good microscope shows him to beof an entirely distinctspecies.MONARCH, n.A person engaged in reigning.Formerly themonarchruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as manysubjectshave had occasion to learn.In Russia and the Orient the monarchhasstill a considerable influence in public affairs and in thedisposition ofthe human head, but in western Europe politicaladministration is mostlyentrusted to his ministers, he beingsomewhat preoccupied with reflectionsrelating to the status of hisown head.MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n.Government.MONDAY, n.In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.MONEY, n.A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting whenwepart with it.An evidence of culture and a passport topolitesociety.Supportable property.MONKEY, n.An arboreal animal which makes itself at homeingenealogical trees.MONOSYLLABIC, adj.Composed of words of one syllable, forliterarybabes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapidcompoundby appropriate googoogling.The words are commonly Saxon -that isto say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas andincapableof any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.The man who writes in Saxon Is the man to use an ax onJudibrasMONSIGNOR, n.A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founderofour religion overlooked the advantages.MONUMENT, n.A structure intended to commemorate somethingwhicheither needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.The bones of Agammemnon are a show, And ruined is his royalmonument,but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in103THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYconsequence.Themonument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ inmonuments "to theunknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments toperpetuate the memory ofthose who have left no memory.MORAL, adj.Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right.Having the quality of general expediency.It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, onone syde ofthe which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the othersyde they areholden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer ismuchconveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way andactas it shall suite his moode, withouten offence._Gooke's Meditations_MORE, adj.The comparative degree of too much.MOUSE, n.An animal which strews its path with fainting women.AsinRome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlierinOtumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, femalehereticswere thrown to the mice.Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the onlyOtumwumpwhose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrsmet theirdeath with little dignity and much exertion.He evenattempts to exculpatethe mice (such is the malice of bigotry) bydeclaring that the unfortunatewomen perished, some from exhaustion,some of broken necks fromfalling over their own feet, and some fromlack of restoratives.The mice, heavers, enjoyed the pleasures ofthe chase with composure.But if "Romanhistory is nine-tenthslying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion ofthat rhetoricalfigure in the annals of a people capable of so incrediblecruelty to alovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue.MOUSQUETAIRE, n.A long glove covering a part of the arm.WorninNew Jersey.But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spellmuskeeter.MOUTH, n.In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outletofthe heart.MUGWUMP, n.In politics one afflicted with self-respect andaddictedto the vice of independence.A term of contempt.MULATTO, n.A child of two races, ashamed of both.MULTITUDE, n.A crowd; the source of political wisdom andvirtue.Ina republic, the object of the statesman's adoration."In a104THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYmultitudeof consellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb.If many menofequal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must bethatthey acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act ofgettingtogether.Whence comes it?Obviously from nowhere -- as wellsaythat a range of mountains is higher than the singlemountainscomposing it.A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if itobeyhim; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish.MUMMY, n.An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use amongmoderncivilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying artwithan excellent pigment.He is handy, too, in museums in gratifyingthevulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the loweranimals.By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, Attests to the gods itsrespect for the dead. We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, Distil himfor physic and grind him for paint, Exhibit for money his poor, shrunkenframe, And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. O, tell me, ye gods,for the use of my rhyme: For respecting the dead what's the limit of time?Scopas BruneMUSTANG, n.An indocile horse of the western plains.InEnglishsociety, the American wife of an English nobleman.MYRMIDON, n.A follower of Achilles --particularly when hedidn'tlead.MYTHOLOGY, n.The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerningitsorigin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguishedfromthe true accounts which it invents later.NNECTAR, n.A drink served at banquets of the Olympiandeities.Thesecret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckiansbelievethat they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient.Juno drank a cup of nectar, But the draught did not affect her. Junodrank a cup of rye -- Then she bad herself good-bye.J.G.105THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYNEGRO, n.The _piece de resistance_ in the Americanpoliticalproblem.Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begintobuild their equation thus:"Let n = the white man."This, however,appearsto give an unsatisfactory solution.NEIGHBOR, n.One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves,and whodoes all he knows how to make us disobedient.NEPOTISM, n.Appointing your grandmother to office for the goodofthe party.NEWTONIAN, adj.Pertaining to a philosophy of the universeinventedby Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground,butwas unable to say why.His successors and disciples have advancedsofar as to be able to say when.NIHILIST, n.A Russian who denies the existence of anythingbutTolstoi.The leader of the school is Tolstoi.NIRVANA, n.In the Buddhist religion, a state ofpleasurableannihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wiseenough tounderstand it.NOBLEMAN, n.Nature's provision for wealthy American mindsambitiousto incur social distinction and suffer high life.NOISE, n.A stench in the ear.Undomesticated music.The chiefproduct