魔鬼词典-10

do in an emergency.When in doubtwhether to attack or retreat I neverhesitate a moment -- I toss us acopper." "Do you mean to say that's whatyou did this time?" "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimandme:Idisobeyed the coin."73THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYINDIFFERENT, adj.Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things."You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, "You've grownindifferent to all in life." "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; "Iwould be, dear, but it is not worth while."Apuleius M. GokulINDIGESTION, n.A disease which the patient and hisfriendsfrequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern forthesalvation of mankind.As the simple Red Man of the western wild putit,with, it must be confessed, a certain force:"Plenty well, nopray; bigbellyache, heap God."INDISCRETION, n.The guilt of woman.INEXPEDIENT, adj.Not calculated to advance one's interests.INFANCY, n.The period of our lives when, according toWordsworth,"Heaven lies about us."The world begins lying about uspretty soonafterward.INFERIAE,n.[Latin]Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrificesforpropitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; forthepious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy theirspiritualneeds, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as asailormight say, jury-gods, which they made out of the mostunpromisingmaterials.It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spiritofAgamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored withanaudience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who propheticallyrecountedto him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity,giving him also arapid but tolerably complete review of events downto the reign of SaintLouis.The narrative ended abruptly at thepoint, owing to the inconsideratecrowing of a cock, which compelledthe ghosted King of Men to scamperback to Hades.There is a finemediaeval flavor to this story, and as it hasnot been traced backfurther than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writerat the courtof Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side ofpresumptionin considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel'sjudgment of thematter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow.INFIDEL, n.In New York, one who does not believe in theChristianreligion; in Constantinople, one who does.(See GIAOUR.)A kind74THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYofscoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to,divines,ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs,voodoos, presbyters,hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns,missionaries, exhorters,deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests,muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men,confessors, eminences, elders,primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets,imaums, beneficiaries,clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots,priors,preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates,patriarchs,bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries,diocesans,deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers,archdeacons,hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks,talapoins,postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers,sextons,reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates,chaplains,mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas,lamas,sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens,cardinals,prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifsandpumpums.INFLUENCE, n.In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange forasubstantial _quid_.INFALAPSARIAN, n.One who ventures to believe that Adam neednot havesinned unless he had a mind to --in opposition totheSupralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall wasdecreedfrom the beginning.Infralapsarians are sometimescalledSublapsarians without material effect upon the importance andlucidityof their views about Adam.Two theologues once, as they wended their way To chapel, engaged incolloquial fray -- An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poorAdam and what made him fall. "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "forthe Lord Decreed he should fall of his own accord." "Not so -- 'twas Freewill," the other maintained, "Which led him to choose what the Lord hadordained." So fierce and so fiery grew the debate That nothing butbloodshed their dudgeon could sate; So off flew their cassocks and caps tothe ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere eitherhad proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, Agray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a scowl in his75THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYeye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsilysparred they disputed with skill Of foreordination freedom of will)Cried:"Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: Atwixt ye's no differenceworthy of blows. The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear Ye wronglyinterpret the names that they bear. _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown!-- Should only contend that Adam slipped down; While _you_ --youSupralapsarian pup! -- Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. It'sall the same whether up or down You slip on a peel of banana brown. EvenAdam analyzed not his blunder, But thought he had slipped on a peal ofthunder!INGRATE, n.One who receives a benefit from another, or isotherwisean object of charity."All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic."Nay," The goodphilanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one day Who neversince has cursed me to repay, Nor vilified.""Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- With veneration I amovercome, And fain would have his blessing.""Sad your fate -- He cannotbless you, for AI grieve to state This man is dumb."Ariel SelpINJURY, n.An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.INJUSTICE, n.A burden which of all those that we load uponothersand carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upontheback.INK, n.A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabicandwater, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy andpromoteintellectual crime.The properties of ink are peculiarandcontradictory:it may be used to make reputations and unmake them;toblacken them and to make them white; but it is most generallyandacceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones ofanedifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward therascalquality of the material.There are men called journalists whohaveestablished ink baths which some persons pay money to get into,othersto get out of.Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paidtoget in pays twice as much to get out.76THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYINNATE, adj.Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say,ideasthat we are born with, having had them previously imparted tous.Thedoctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faithsof philosophy,being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessibleto disproof, thoughLocke foolishly supposed himself to have given it"a black eye."Amonginnate ideas may be mentioned the belief inone's ability to conduct anewspaper, in the greatness of one'scountry, in the superiority of one'scivilization, in the importanceof one's personal affairs and in theinteresting nature of one'sdiseases.IN'ARDS, n.The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.Manyeminentinvestigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but thatacuteobserver and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded thatthemysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than ourimportantpart.To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holdsthat man's soul is thatprolongation of his spinal marrow which formsthe pith of his no tail; andfor demonstration of his faith pointsconfidently to the fact that no tailedanimals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspendjudgment bybelieving both.INSCRIPTION, n.Something written on another thing.Inscriptionsareof many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate thefameof some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the recordofhis services and virtues.To this class of inscriptions belongs thename ofJohn Smith, penciled on the Washington monument.Followingareexamples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones:(See EPITAPH.)"In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and bymy body'll rise To my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven's gate.1878.""Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree.Cut down May 9th,1862,aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds.Indigenous.""Affliction sore long time she boar, Phisicians was in vain, Till Dethreleased the dear deceased And left her a remain. Gone to join Ananias inthe regions of bliss.""The clay that rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widelyknown. Now, lying here, I ask what good It was to let me be S. Wood. O77THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYMan, let not ambition trouble you, Is the advice of Silas W.""Richard Haymon, of Heaven.Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and hadthedust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874."INSECTIVORA, n."See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, "How Providenceprovides for all His creatures!" "His care," the gnat said, "even the insectsfollows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows."Sempen RaileyINSURANCE, n.An ingenious modern game of chance in which theplayeris permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he isbeatingthe man who keeps the table.INSURANCE AGENT:My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray letmeinsure it. HOUSE OWNER:With pleasure.Please make the annualpremium solow that by the time when, according to the tables ofyouractuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will havepaid youconsiderably less than the face of the policy. INSURANCE AGENT:Odear, no -- we could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so thatyou will have paid more. HOUSE OWNER:How, then, can _I_ afford_that_? INSURANCE AGENT:Why, your house may burn down at anytime. There was Smith's house, for example, which --HOUSEOWNER:Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on thecontrary, andJones's house, and Robinson's house, which --INSURANCEAGENT:Spare _me_! HOUSE OWNER:Let us understand each other.Youwant me to payyou money on the supposition that something willoccurpreviously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence.Inotherwords, you expect me to bet that my house will not lastso long as you saythat it will probably last. INSURANCE AGENT:But if your house burnswithout insurance itwill be a total loss. HOUSE OWNER:Beg your pardon-- by your own actuary's tables Ishall probably have saved, when it burns,all the premiums Iwould otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to morethan theface of the policy they would have bought.But suppose it toburn,uninsured, before the time upon which your figures arebased.If I could notafford that, how could you if it wereinsured? INSURANCE AGENT:O,we should make ourselves whole from ourluckier ventures with other78THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYclients.Virtually, they pay yourloss. HOUSE OWNER:And virtually, then,don't I help to pay theirlosses?Are not their houses as likely as mine toburn beforethey have paid you as much as you must pay them?Thecasestands this way:you expect to take more money from yourclients thanyou pay to them, do you not? INSURANCE AGENT:Certainly; if we didnot -- HOUSE OWNER:I would not trust you with my money.Verywellthen.If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body ofyour clients,that they lose money on you it is _probable_,with reference to any one ofthem, that _he_ will.It isthese individual probabilities that make theaggregatecertainty. INSURANCE AGENT:I will not deny it -- but look atthe figures inthis pamph --HOUSE OWNER:Heaven forbid!INSURANCE AGENT:You spoke of saving the premiums which youwouldotherwise pay to me.Will you not be more likely tosquanderthem?We offer you an incentive to thrift. HOUSE OWNER:Thewillingness of A to take care of B's money isnot peculiar to insurance, butas a charitable institution youcommand esteem.Deign to accept itsexpression from aDeserving Object.INSURRECTION, n.An unsuccessful revolution.Disaffection'sfailureto substitute misrule for bad government.INTENTION, n.The mind's sense of the prevalence of one setofinfluences over another set; an effect whose cause is theimminence,immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.INTERPRETER, n.One who enables two persons of differentlanguages tounderstand each other by repeating to each what it wouldhave been tothe interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.INTERREGNUM, n.The period during which a monarchical countryisgoverned by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne.The experimentofletting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by mostunhappyresults from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warmagain.INTIMACY, n.A relation into which fools are providentially drawnfortheir mutual destruction.Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drewAnd having each a pleasant sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsooktheir jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their79THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYintimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidencesstraight they fell, Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then eachremorsefully confessed To all the virtues he possessed, Acknowledging hehad them in So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more theyfelt Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of sentiment expressed Theirfeelings.Then they effervesced! So Nature executes her feats Of wrath onfriends and sympathetes The good old rule who don't apply, That you areyou and I am I.INTRODUCTION, n.A social ceremony invented by the devil forthegratification of his servants and the plaguing of hisenemies.Theintroduction attains its most malevolent development in thiscentury,being, indeed, closely related to our politicalsystem.EveryAmerican being the equal of every other American, itfollows thateverybody has the right to know everybody else, whichimplies theright to introduce without request or permission.TheDeclaration ofIndependence should have read thus:"We hold these truths to be self-evident:that all men arecreated equal;that they are endowed by their Creator with certaininalienable rights; thatamong these are life, and the right tomake that of another miserable bythrusting upon him anincalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty,particularly theliberty to introduce persons to one another withoutfirstascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; andthepursuit of another's happiness with a running pack ofstrangers."INVENTOR, n.A person who makes an ingenious arrangement ofwheels,levers and springs, and believes it civilization.IRRELIGION, n.The principal one of the great faiths of the world.ITCH, n.The patriotism of a Scotchman.JJ is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel --thanwhich nothing could be more absurd.Its original form, which hasbeen butslightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, andit was not a80THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYletter but a character, standing for a Latin verb,_jacere_, "to throw,"because when a stone is thrown at a dog thedog's tail assumes thatshape.This is the origin of the letter, asexpounded by the renowned Dr.Jocolpus Bumer, of the University ofBelgrade, who established hisconclusions on the subject in a work ofthree quarto volumes andcommitted suicide on being reminded that thej in the Roman alphabet hadoriginally no curl.JEALOUS, adj.Unduly concerned about the preservation of thatwhichcan be lost only if not worth keeping.JESTER, n.An officer formerly attached to a king's household,whosebusiness it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actionsandutterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume.Thekinghimself being attired with dignity, it took the world somecenturies todiscover that his own conduct and decrees weresufficiently ridiculous forthe amusement not only of his court but ofall mankind.The jester wascommonly called a fool, but the poets andromancers have ever delightedto represent him as a singularly wiseand witty person.In the circus of today the melancholy ghost of thecourt fool effects the dejection of humbleraudiences with the samejests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall,panged thepatrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who enteredthe confessional Disguised, and there confessed her."Father," she said, "thine ear bend down -- My sins are more thanscarlet: I love my fool -- blaspheming clown, And common, base-bornvarlet.""Daughter," the mimic priest replied, "That sin, indeed, is awful: Thechurch's pardon is denied To love that is unlawful. "But since thy stubbornheart will be For him forever pleading, Thou'dst better make him, bydecree, A man of birth and breeding."She made the fool a duke, in hope With Heaven's taboo to palter; Thentold a priest, who told the Pope, Who damned her from the altar!Barel DortJEWS-HARP, n.An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fastwiththe teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.81THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYJOSS-STICKS, n.Small sticks burned by the Chinese in theirpagantomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.JUSTICE, n.A commodity which is a more or less adulteratedconditionthe State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance,taxesand personal service.K