魔鬼词典-9

chalice.Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr.Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle. Feed upon the fiddle- Faddleflummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a[mockery.]HUMANITY, n.The human race, collectively, exclusive oftheanthropoid poets.HUMORIST, n.A plague that would have softened down thehoarausterity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israelwithhis best wishes, cat-quick.Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds,though still to gloom inclined -- Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,65THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYHis brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. He thinks, admitted to anequal sty, A graceful hog would bear his company.Alexander PokeHURRICANE, n.An atmospheric demonstration once very commonbut nowgenerally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone.The hurricaneisstill in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certainoldfashioned sea-captains.It is also used in the construction ofthe upper decksof steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane'susefulness hasoutlasted it.HURRY, n.The dispatch of bunglers.HUSBAND, n.One who, having dined, is charged with the care oftheplate.HYBRID, n.A pooled issue.HYDRA, n.A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued undermanyheads.HYENA, n.A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations fromitshabit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead.Butthemedical student does that.HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.Depression of one's own spirits.Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbishhad been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -"Hypochondriasis."It meant The Dumps.Bogul S. PurvyHYPOCRITE, n.One who, profession virtues that he does notrespectsecures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.II is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language,thefirst thought of the mind, the first object of affection.Ingrammar it is apronoun of the first person and singular number.Itsplural is said to be_We_, but how there can be more than one myselfis doubtless clearer thegrammarians than it is to the author of thisincomparable66THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYdictionary.Conception of two myselfs is difficult, butfine.The frank yetgraceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writerfrom a bad; the latter carriesit with the manner of a thief trying tocloak his loot.ICHOR, n.A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place ofblood.Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said:"Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- Your soul's stained white withichorshed!"Mary DokeICONOCLAST, n.A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereofareimperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuouslyprotestthat he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth downbutpileth not up.For the poor things would have other idols in placeofthose he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth.But theiconoclastsaith:"Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not;and if the rebuilderfooleth round hereabout, behold I will depressthe head of him and sitthereon till he squawk it."IDIOT, n.A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influenceinhuman affairs has always been dominant and controlling.TheIdiot'sactivity is not confined to any special field of thought or action,but"pervades and regulates the whole."He has the last word ineverything; hisdecision is unappealable.He sets the fashions andopinion of taste, dictatesthe limitations of speech and circumscribesconduct with a dead-line.IDLENESS, n.A model farm where the devil experiments with seedsofnew sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.IGNORAMUS, n.A person unacquainted with certain kinds ofknowledgefamiliar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that youknownothing about.Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumblesaid one day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a sparkhave you of knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble said toMumble:"Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'mdenied A knowledge -- you of all beside."BorelliILLUMINATI, n.A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of67THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthesixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -_cunctationes illuminati_.ILLUSTRIOUS, adj.Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envyanddetraction.IMAGINATION, n.A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar injointownership.IMBECILITY, n.A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fireaffectingcensorious critics of this dictionary.IMMIGRANT, n.An unenlightened person who thinks one countrybetterthan another.IMMODEST, adj.Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupledwitha feeble conception of worth in others.There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And hehad a head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a show.For his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, hadtaken a freak) That its summit stood far above the wood Of his hair, like amountain peak.So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore -- Sohumble and meek, you would vainly seek; None ever was found before.Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens contrived toget To so great a height that they called the wight The man with theminaret.There wasn't a man in all Ispahan Prouder, or louder in praise of hischump: With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of thatbeautiful bumpTill the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bowstring too, And that gentle child explained as he smiled: "A little presentfor you."The saddest man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted thesame. "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility Had given me deathless fame!"Sukker UffroIMMORAL, adj.Inexpedient.Whatever in the long run and withregardto the greater number of instances men find to begenerallyinexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.If68THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYman'snotions of right and wrong have any other basis than thisofexpediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any otherway;if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, andnowisedependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is alie and reasona disorder of the mind.IMMORTALITY, n.A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute,contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to diefor.IMPALE, v.t.In popular usage to pierce with any weapon whichremainsfixed in the wound.This, however, is inaccurate; to imapleis,properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into thebody,the victim being left in a sitting position.This was a commonmode ofpunishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and isstill in highfavor in China and other parts of Asia.Down to thebeginning of thefifteenth century it was widely employed in"churching" heretics andschismatics.Wolecraft calls it the "stooleof repentynge," and among thecommon people it was jocularly known as"riding the one leggedhorse."Ludwig Salzmann informs us that inThibet impalement isconsidered the most appropriate punishment forcrimes against religion;and although in China it is sometimes awardedfor secular offences, it ismost frequently adjudged in cases ofsacrilege.To the person in actualexperience of impalement it mustbe a matter of minor importance by whatkind of civil or religiousdissent he was made acquainted with itsdiscomforts; but doubtless hewould feel a certain satisfaction if able tocontemplate himself inthe character of a weather-cock on the spire of theTrue Church.IMPARTIAL, adj.Unable to perceive any promise of personaladvantagefrom espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either oftwoconflicting opinions.IMPENITENCE, n.A state of mind intermediate in point of timebetweensin and punishment.IMPIETY, n.Your irreverence toward my deity.69THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYIMPOSITION, n.The act of blessing or consecrating by the layingonof hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems,butperformed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves."Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and dervise, "Weconsecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastical service. No doubt you'llswear till all is blue At such an imposition.Do."Pollo DoncasIMPOSTOR n.A rival aspirant to public honors.IMPROBABILITY, n.His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace.Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But thefascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voiceaverred 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one whospake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene,indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And scrutinizedhim limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive Andtranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it. "What! what!"cried one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has told?"He raisedSoberly then his eyes and gazed In a natural way And proceeded to say, Ashe crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: "O no -- not at all; I'm a liarmyself."IMPROVIDENCE, n.Provision for the needs of to-day from therevenuesof to-morrow.IMPUNITY, n.Wealth.INADMISSIBLE, adj.Not competent to be considered.Said ofcertainkinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit tobeentrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, evenofproceedings before themselves alone.Hearsay evidence isinadmissiblebecause the person quoted was unsworn and is not before thecourt forexamination; yet most momentous actions, military,political,commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken onhearsayevidence.There is no religion in the world that has any otherbasisthan hearsay evidence.Revelation is hearsay evidence; thattheScriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men70THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYlongdead whose identity is not clearly established and who are notknownto have been sworn in any sense.Under the rules of evidence astheynow exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has initssupport any evidence admissible in a court of law.It cannot beprovedthat the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there wassuch as personas Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easilybeproved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and wereascourge to mankind.The evidence (including confession) uponwhichcertain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed waswithout aflaw; it is still unimpeachable.The judges' decisions based onitwere sound in logic and in law.Nothing in any existing court wasevermore thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorceryforwhich so many suffered death.If there were no witches, humantestimonyand human reason are alike destitute of value.INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv.In an unpromising manner, the auspicesbeingunfavorable.Among the Romans it was customary beforeundertaking anyimportant action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs,or stateprophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of theirfavoriteand most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observingtheflight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_.Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers havedecidedthat the word --always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage"or"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices oftheAncient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "Thehilaritieswere auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."A Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur."Tell me, pray, If -" here the Augur, smiling, made A checking gesture and displayed Hisopen palm, which plainly itched, For visibly its surface twitched. A_denarius_ (the Latin nickel) Successfully allayed the tickle, And then theslave proceeded:"Please Inform me whether Fate decrees Success orfailure in what I To-night (if it be dark) shall try. Its nature?Never mind -I think 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink Which darkened half the earth,he drew Another denarius to view, Its shining face attentive scanned, Then71THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYslipped it into the good man's hand, Who with great gravity said:"WaitWhile I retire to question Fate." That holy person then withdrew Hisscared clay and, passing through The temple's rearward gate, cried"Shoo!" Waving his robe of office.Straight Each sacred peacock and itsmate (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled With clamor from the treeso'erhead, Where they were perching for the night. The temple's roofreceived their flight, For thither they would always go, When dangerthreatened them below. Back to the slave the Augur went: "My son,forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The auspices denysuccess." That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his secret plan --Which was (as well the craft seer Had from the first divined) to clear Thewall and fraudulently seize On Juno's poultry in the trees.INCOME, n.The natural and rational gauge and measureofrespectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial,arbitraryand fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in theplay has justlyremarked, "the true use and function of property (inwhatsoever itconsisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anythingwhich may be named as holden of right to one's ownsubservience) as alsoof honors, titles, preferments and place, andall favor and acquaintance ofpersons of quality or ableness, are butto get money.Hence it followeth thatall things are truly to berated as of worth in measure of theirserviceableness to that end; andtheir possessors should take rank inagreement thereto, neither thelord of an unproducing manor, howsoeverbroad and ancient, nor he whobears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet thepauper favorite of a king,being esteemed of level excellency with himwhose riches are of dailyaccretion; and hardly should they whose wealth isbarren claim andrightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy."INCOMPATIBILITY, n.In matrimony a similarity of tastes,particularlythe taste for domination.Incompatibility may, however, consistof ameek-eyed matron living just around the corner.It has even beenknownto wear a moustache.INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj.Unable to exist if something elseexists.Twothings are incompossible when the world of being has scope72THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYenough forone of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman'spoetry andGod's mercy to man.Incompossibility, it will be seen, isonlyincompatibility let loose.Instead of such low language as "Goheelyourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, weareincompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation andinstately courtesy are altogether superior.INCUBUS, n.One of a race of highly improper demons who,thoughprobably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen theirbestnights.For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_,including_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ ofProtassus(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information thatwould beout of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for thepublicschools. Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satanhimself --tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women,doubtless --sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenienceand alarmof the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriagevows,generally speaking.A certain lady applied to the parish priest tolearnhow they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder fromtheirhusbands.The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns;but Hugois ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of thetest.INCUMBENT, n.A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.INDECISION, n.The chief element of success; "for whereas," saithSirThomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers waytodo something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, itfolloweththat he who from indecision standeth still hath not so manychances ofgoing astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clearand satisfactoryexposition on the matter. "Your prompt decision to attack," said GeneraGrant on a certainoccasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable;you had but fiveminutes to make up your mind in." "Yes, sir," answeredthe victorious subordinate, "it is a greatthing to be know exactly what to