魔鬼词典-5

afriend.DIVINATION, n.The art of nosing out the occult.Divination is ofasmany kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunceandthe early fool.DOG, n.A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catchtheoverflow and surplus of the world's worship.This Divine Being insome ofhis smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affectionof Woman, theplace to which there is no human male aspirant.The Dogis a survival -- ananachronism.He toils not, neither does he spin,yet Solomon in all his glorynever lay upon a door-mat all day long,sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat,while his master worked for the meanswherewith to purchase the idle wagof the Solomonic tail, seasonedwith a look of tolerant recognition.32THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYDRAGOON, n.A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in soequalmeasure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreatsonhorseback.DRAMATIST, n.One who adapts plays from the French.DRUIDS, n.Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religionwhichdid not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice.Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith.Pliny saystheirreligion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far asPersia.Caesar saysthose who desired to study its mysteries went toBritain.Caesar himselfwent to Britain, but does not appear to haveobtained any high prefermentin the Druidical Church, although histalent for human sacrifice wasconsiderable. Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knewnothingof church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pewrents.Theywere, in short, heathens and --as they were oncecomplacentlycatalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church ofEngland --Dissenters.DUCK-BILL, n.Your account at your restaurant during the canvasbackseason.DUEL, n.A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation oftwoenemies.Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance;ifawkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorableconsequencessometimes ensue.A long time ago a man lost his life in aduel.That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and wish that it had been mylot To live my life out in some favored spot -- Some country where it isconsidered nice To split a rival like a fish, or slice A husband like a spud,or with a shot Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot And ready to be putupon the ice. Some miscreants there are, whom I do long To shoot, to stab,or some such way reclaim The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, Iseem to see them now -- a mighty throng. It looks as if to challenge _me_they came, Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!Xamba Q. DarDULLARD, n.A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life.The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and33THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYsturdyhave overrun the habitable world.The secret of their power istheirinsensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laughwitha platitude.The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whencethey weredriven by stress of starvation, their dullness havingblighted the crops.Forsome centuries they infested Philistia, andmany of them are calledPhilistines to this day.In the turbulenttimes of the Crusades they withdrewthence and gradually overspreadall Europe, occupying most of the highplaces in politics, art,literature, science and theology.Since a detachmentof Dullards cameover with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made afavorable reportof the country, their increase by birth, immigration, andconversionhas been rapid and steady.According to the mosttrustworthystatistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States isbutlittle short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.Theintellectualcentre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois,but the New EnglandDullard is the most shockingly moral.DUTY, n.That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit,alongthe line of desire.Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master,who'd kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him to take the king's head,But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, Instead.EEAT, v.i.To perform successively (and successfully) the functionsofmastication, humectation, and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room,enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote."What!"interrupted Rochebriant;"eating dinner in a drawing-room?""I must begyou to observe,monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did notsay I waseating my dinner, but enjoying it.I had dined an hour before."EAVESDROP, v.i.Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimesandvices of another or yourself.A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside,Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she.34THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"I think," said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitiveminx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant,removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, "To hear mycharacter lied about!"Gopete SheranyECCENTRICITY, n.A method of distinction so cheap that foolsemployit to accentuate their incapacity.ECONOMY, n.Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not needforthe price of the cow that you cannot afford.EDIBLE, adj.Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm toatoad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a manto aworm.EDITOR, n.A person who combines the judicial functions ofMinos,Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; aseverelyvirtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he toleratesthevirtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about himthesplintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till heresemblesa bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at thetail of a dog;then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft asthe cooing of adonkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries andlord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne ofthought, his face suffusedwith the dim splendors of theTransfiguration, his legs intertwisted and histongue a-cheek, theeditor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off inlengths tosuit.And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple isheardthe voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and sixlinesof religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom andwhackup some pathos.O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, A gilded impostor is he.Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, His crown is brass, Himselfan ass, And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating ofnaught, Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's campfollower he, Thundering, blundering, plundering free. Affected,Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious, Respected contemporaree! J.H.Bumbleshook35THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYEDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises fromthefoolish their lack of understanding.EFFECT, n.The second of two phenomena which always occurtogether inthe same order.The first, called a Cause, is said to generatetheother -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one whohasnever seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare therabbitthe cause of a dog.EGOTIST, n.A person of low taste, more interested in himself than inme.Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate,One day with all his credentials came To the capitol's door and announcedhis name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at theeminent egotist, And said:"Go away, for we settle here All manner ofquestions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, when the speakerdemands To be told how every member stands, A man who to all thingsunder the sky Assents by eternally voting 'I'."EJECTION, n.An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity.Itisalso much used in cases of extreme poverty.ELECTOR, n.One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for themanof another man's choice.ELECTRICITY, n.The power that causes all natural phenomena notknownto be caused by something else.It is the same thing as lightning,andits famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the mostpicturesqueincidents in that great and good man's career.The memoryof Dr. Franklinis justly held in great reverence, particularly inFrance, where a waxeneffigy of him was recently on exhibition,bearing the following touchingaccount of his life and services toscience:"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity.Thisillustrious savant,after having made several voyages around theworld, died on the SandwichIslands and was devoured by savages,of whom not a single fragment wasever recovered."Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in thearts andindustries.The question of its economical application tosome purposes isstill unsettled, but experiment has already provedthat it will propel a street36THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYcar better than a gas jet and give morelight than a horse.ELEGY, n.A composition in verse, in which, without employing anyofthe methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mindthedampest kind of dejection.The most famous English examplebeginssomewhat like this:The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd windsslowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I only stay To fiddlefaddle in a minor key.ELOQUENCE, n.The art of orally persuading fools that white isthecolor that it appears to be.It includes the gift of making any colorappearwhite.ELYSIUM, n.An imaginary delightful country which theancientsfoolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of thegood.Thisridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of theearthby the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!EMANCIPATION, n.A bondman's change from the tyranny of anothertothe despotism of himself.He was a slave:at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him tothe bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets andinscribed his own.EMBALM, v.i.To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases uponwhichit feeds.By embalming their dead and thereby deranging thenaturalbalance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians madetheironce fertile and populous country barren and incapable ofsupportingmore than a meagre crew.The modern metallic burial casket is astepin the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now tobeornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table asabunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility.We shall get himafterawhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rosearelanguishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_.EMOTION, n.A prostrating disease caused by a determination oftheheart to the head.It is sometimes accompanied by a copious dischargeofhydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.ENCOMIAST, n.A special (but not particular) kind of liar.37THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYEND, n.The position farthest removed on either hand fromtheInterlocutor.The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine; The seal ofdeath was on his face -- 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean."This is the end," the sick man said In faint and failing tones. Amoment later he was dead, And Tambourine was Bones.Tinley RoquotENOUGH, pro.All there is in the world if you like it.Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter Enougher's as good as afeast for the platter.Arbely C. StrunkENTERTAINMENT, n.Any kind of amusement whose inroads stopshort ofdeath by injection.ENTHUSIASM, n.A distemper of youth, curable by small dosesofrepentance in connection with outward applications of experience.Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had arelapse,which carried him off -- to Missolonghi.ENVELOPE, n.The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill;thehusk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.ENVY, n.Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.EPAULET, n.An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish amilitaryofficer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer oflowerrank to whom his death would give promotion.EPICURE, n.An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopherwho,holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted notimein gratification from the senses.EPIGRAM, n.A short, sharp saying in prose or verse,frequentlycharacterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learnedandingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:We know better the needs of ourselves than of others.Toserve oneselfis economy of administration.In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass andanightingale.Diversity of character is due to their unequalactivity.38THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYThere are three sexes; males, females and girls.Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem tobe the unthinking a kind of credibility. Women in love are less ashamedthan men.They have less to beashamed of.While your friend holds you affectionately by both your handsyou aresafe, for you can watch both his.EPITAPH, n.An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtuesacquiredby death have a retroactive effect.Following is a touchingexample:Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that,Who showed us life as all should live it; Let that be said -- and Godforgive it!ERUDITION, n.Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin andplan And only came by accident to grief -- He thought, poor man, 'twasright to be a thief.Romach PuteESOTERIC, adj.Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult.The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, --_exoteric_, those thatthephilosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_,those thatnobody could understand.It is the latter that have mostprofoundly affectedmodern thought and found greatest acceptance inour time.ETHNOLOGY, n.The science that treats of the various tribes ofMan,as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiotsandethnologists.EUCHARIST, n.A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. Adispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect asto what itwas that they ate.In this controversy some five hundredthousand havealready been slain, and the question is still unsettled.EULOGY, n.Praise of a person who has either the advantages ofwealthand power, or the consideration to be dead.EVANGELIST, n.A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in areligioussense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnationofour neighbors.39THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYEVERLASTING, adj.Lasting forever.It is with no small diffidencethatI venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I amnot unawareof the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop ofWorcester,entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting,"as Used in theAuthorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_.His bookwas once esteemedof great authority in the Anglican Church, and isstill, I understand, studiedwith pleasure to the mind and profit ofthe soul.EXCEPTION, n.A thing which takes the liberty to differ fromotherthings of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman,etc."Theexception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon thelipsof the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thoughtofits absurdity.In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" meansthat theexception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not_confirms_ it.Themalefactor who drew the meaning from thisexcellent dictum andsubstituted a contrary one of his own exerted anevil power which appearsto be immortal.EXCESS, n.In morals, an indulgence that enforces byappropriatepenalties the law of moderation.Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bendthe knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- My skull thy pulpit, asmy paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Couldne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free,Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewingpleasure's cup, With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; When on thystool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. Ungrateful hewho afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine altar!EXCOMMUNICATION, n.This "excommunication" is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, Some sinner whoseopinions are a scandal -- A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever,and forbidding Christ to save him.