魔鬼词典-3

twonations, separating the imaginary rights of one from theimaginaryrights of the other.BOUNTY, n.The liberality of one who has much, in permitting onewhohas nothing to get all that he can.A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insectseveryyear.The supplying of these insects I take to be a signalinstance of theCreator's bounty in providing for the lives of Hiscreatures.Henry Ward BeecherBRAHMA, n.He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved byVishnuand destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor thanisfound among the deities of some other nations.The Abracadabranese,forexample, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyedbyFolly.The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holyandlearned men who are never naughty.O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,You sit there so calm and securely, With feet folded up so demurely --You're the First Person Singular, surely.Polydore SmithBRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.Thatwhichdistinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from themanwho wishes to _do_ something.A man of great wealth, or one whohasbeen pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headfulofbrain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on.In ourcivilization, andunder our republican form of government, brain is sohighly honored that itis rewarded by exemption from the cares ofoffice.BRANDY, n.A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning,onepart remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-thegrave and four parts clarified Satan.Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy issaid by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes.Only a herowill venture todrink it.BRIDE, n.A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.BRUTE, n.See HUSBAND.17THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYCCAABA, n.A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel tothepatriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca.The patriarch hadperhapsasked the archangel for bread.CABBAGE, n.A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as largeandwise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a princewho on ascendingthe throne issued a decree appointing a High Council ofEmpireconsisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry andthecabbages in the royal garden.When any of his Majesty's measuresofstate policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announcedthatseveral members of the High Council had been beheaded, andhismurmuring subjects were appeased.CALAMITY, n.A more than commonly plain and unmistakablereminderthat the affairs of this life are not of our ownordering.Calamitiesare of two kinds:misfortune to ourselves, and goodfortune toothers.CALLOUS, adj.Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evilsafflictinganother. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more hewasobserved to be deeply moved."What!" said one of his disciples,"youweep at the death of an enemy?""Ah, 'tis true," replied the greatStoic;"but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."CALUMNUS, n.A graduate of the School for Scandal.CAMEL, n.A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great valuetothe show business.There are two kinds of camels -- the camel properandthe camel improper.It is the latter that is always exhibited.CANNIBAL, n.A gastronome of the old school who preserves thesimpletastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.CANNON, n.An instrument employed in the rectification ofnationalboundaries.CANONICALS, n.The motley worm by Jesters of the Court ofHeaven.CAPITAL, n.The seat of misgovernment.That which provides thefire,the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for theanarchist;18THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthe part of the repast that himself supplies is thedisgrace beforemeat._Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding thejustice and expediencyof which many worthy persons -- including allthe assassins --entertaingrave misgivings.CARMELITE, n.A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.As Death was a-rising out one day, Across Mount Camel he took hisway, Where he met a mendicant monk, Some three or four quarters drunk,With a holy leer and a pious grin, Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, Whoheld out his hands and cried: "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. Give inthe name of the Church.O give, Give that her holy sons may live!" AndDeath replied, Smiling long and wide: "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee-a ride."With a rattle and bang Of his bones, he sprang From his famous PaleHorse, with his spear; By the neck and the foot Seized the fellow, and putHim astride with his face to the rear.The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell Like clods on thecoffin's sounding shell: "Ho, ho!A beggar on horseback, they say, Will rideto the devil!" -- and _thump_ Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of thecharger, which galloped away.Faster and faster and faster it flew, Till the rocks and the flocks and thetrees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue To the wild,wild eyes Of the rider -- in size Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh At a burial service spoiled,And the mourners' intentions foiled By the body erecting Its head andobjecting To further proceedings in its behalf.Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away.The monk has long been a dusty corse, And Death has never recovered hishorse. For the friar got hold of its tail, And steered it within the pale Of themonastery gray, Where the beast was stabled and fed With barley and oiland bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due course wasappointed Prior.CARNIVOROUS, adj.Addicted to the cruelty of devouring thetimorousvegetarian, his heirs and assigns.19THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYCARTESIAN, adj.Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher,authorof the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he waspleasedto suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence.Thedictummight be improved, however, thus:_Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_--"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close anapproach tocertainty as any philosopher has yet made.CAT, n.A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature tobekicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.This is a dog, This is a cat. This is a frog, This is a rat. Run, dog, mew,cat. Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.ElevensonCAVILER, n.A critic of our own work.CEMETERY, n.An isolated suburban spot where mourners matchlies,poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for awager.Theinscriptions following will serve to illustrate the successattainedin these Olympian games:His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable tooverlookthem, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose livesthey were a rebuke,represented them as vices.They are herecommemorated by his family, whoshared them. In the earth we here prepare a Place to lay our little Clara.Thomas M. and Mary FrazerP.S. -- Gabriel will raise her.CENTAUR, n.One of a race of persons who lived before the divisionoflabor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, andwhofollowed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his ownhorse."Thebest of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues ofthe horseadded the fleetness of man.The scripture story of the head ofJohnthe Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths havesomewhatsophisticated sacred history.CERBERUS, n.The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guardtheentrance --against whom or what does not clearly appear;everybody,sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry offtheentrance.Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some ofthepoets have credited him with as many as a hundred.ProfessorGraybill,20THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYwhose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek givehis opiniongreat weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makesthe number twentyseven -- a judgment that would be entirelyconclusive is Professor Graybillhad known (a) something about dogs,and (b) something about arithmetic.CHILDHOOD, n.The period of human life intermediate betweentheidiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sinofmanhood and three from the remorse of age.CHRISTIAN, n.One who believes that the New Testament is adivinelyinspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of hisneighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they arenotinconsistent with a life of sin.I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! The godly multitudes walked toand fro Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, With pious mien,appropriately sad, While all the church bells made a solemn din -- A firealarm to those who lived in sin. Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,With tranquil face, upon that holy show A tall, spare figure in a robe ofwhite, Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. "God keep you, strange," Iexclaimed."You are No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; And yet Ientertain the hope that you, Like these good people, are a Christian too."He raised his eyes and with a look so stern It made me with a thousandblushes burn Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced: "What!I aChristian?No, indeed!I'm Christ."CIRCUS, n.A place where horses, ponies and elephants arepermittedto see men, women and children acting the fool.CLAIRVOYANT, n.A person, commonly a woman, who has the powerofseeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he isablockhead.CLARIONET, n.An instrument of torture operated by a personwithcotton in his ears.There are two instruments that are worse thanaclarionet -- two clarionets.CLERGYMAN, n.A man who undertakes the management of ourspiritualaffairs as a method of better his temporal ones.CLIO, n.One of the nine Muses.Clio's function was to preside21THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYoverhistory --which she did with great dignity, many of theprominentcitizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetingsbeingaddressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popularspeakers.CLOCK, n.A machine of great moral value to man, allaying hisconcernfor the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!""What's that yousay?" Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You have, sir, all the time there is.There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- We're never for an hourwithout it."Purzil CrofeCLOSE-FISTED, adj.Unduly desirous of keeping that whichmanymeritorious persons wish to obtain."Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson;"See me -- I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." Sad Jamie:"Thatis very true --The boast requires no backing; And all are worthy, sir, toyou, Who have what you are lacking."Anita M. BobeCOENOBITE, n.A man who piously shuts himself up to meditateupon thesin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joinsabrotherhood of awful examples.O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from theanchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;With dropping shots he makes him sick.Quincy GilesCOMFORT, n.A state of mind produced by contemplation of aneighbor'suneasiness.COMMENDATION, n.The tribute that we pay to achievementsthatresembles, but do not equal, our own.COMMERCE, n.A kind of transaction in which A plunders from Bthegoods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D ofmoneybelonging to E.COMMONWEALTH, n.An administrative entity operated by anincalculablemultitude of political parasites, logically active but22THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYfortuitouslyefficient.This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, So thronged with ahungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches Whomrascals appoint and the populace pays That a cat cannot slip through thethicket of shins Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. Onclerks and on pages, and porters, and all, Misfortune attend and disasterbefall! May life be to them a succession of hurts; May fleas by the bushelinhabit their shirts; May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, Theirlungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; May microbes, bacilli, theirtissues infest, And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; May corn-cobsbe snared without hope in their hair, And frequent impalement theirpleasure impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse Ofaudible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors--The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! Sons of cupidity,cradled in sin! Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, Avenging thefriend whom I couldn't work in.K.Q.COMPROMISE, n.Such an adjustment of conflicting interests asgiveseach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what heoughtnot to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justlyhisdue.COMPULSION, n.The eloquence of power.CONDOLE, v.i.To show that bereavement is a smaller evilthansympathy.CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n.One entrusted by A with the secretsof B,confided by _him_ to C.CONGRATULATION, n.The civility of envy.CONGRESS, n.A body of men who meet to repeal laws.CONNOISSEUR, n.A specialist who knows everything aboutsomething andnothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber havingbeen smashed in a railway collision,some wine was pouted on his lips torevive him."Pauillac, 1873," hemurmured and died.CONSERVATIVE, n.A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,asdistinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them withothers.23THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYCONSOLATION, n.The knowledge that a better man is moreunfortunatethan yourself.CONSUL, n.In American politics, a person who having failed tosecureand office from the people is given one by the Administrationoncondition that he leave the country.CONSULT, v.i.To seek another's disapproval of a coursealreadydecided on.CONTEMPT, n.The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who istooformidable safely to be opposed.CONTROVERSY, n.A battle in which spittle or ink replacestheinjurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.In controversy with the facile tongue -- That bloodless warfare of theold and young --So seek your adversary to engage That on himself heshall exhaust his rage, And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, Withhis own fangs inflict the fatal wound. You ask me how this miracle is done?Adopt his own opinions, one by one, And taunt him to refute them; in hiswrath He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. Advance then gently allyou wish to prove, Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've So wellremarked," or, "As you wisely say, And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way,This view of it which, better far expressed, Runs through yourargument."Then leave the rest To him, secure that he'll perform his trustAnd prove your views intelligent and just.Conmore Apel BruneCONVENT, n.A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisuretomeditate upon the vice of idleness.CONVERSATION, n.A fair to the display of the minormentalcommodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangementofhis own wares to observe those of his neighbor.CORONATION, n.The ceremony of investing a sovereign with theoutwardand visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh withadynamite bomb.CORPORAL, n.A man who occupies the lowest rung of themilitaryladder.Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell!24THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYFame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said:"He hadn'tvery far to fall."