魔鬼词典

天天读书网（www.book.d78i.com）整理THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYTHE DEVIL'SDICTIONARYby AMBROSE BIERCE1THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYAUTHOR'S PREFACE_The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, andwascontinued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906.In thatyear alarge part of it was published in covers with the title _TheCynic's WordBook_, a name which the author had not the power toreject or happiness toapprove.To quote the publishers of thepresent work:"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him bythereligious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of thework hadappeared, with the natural consequence that when it came outin covers thecountry already had been flooded by its imitators with ascore of 'cynic'books -- _The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and_The Cynic'st'Other_.Most of these books were merely stupid, thoughsome of themadded the distinction of silliness.Among them, theybrought the word'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearingit was discredited inadvance of publication."Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the countryhadhelped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs,andmany of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, hadbecome moreor less current in popular speech.This explanation ismade, not with anypride of priority in trifles, but in simple denialof possible charges ofplagiarism, which is no trifle.In merelyresuming his own the author hopesto be held guiltless by those towhom the work is addressed -- enlightenedsouls who prefer dry winesto sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor andclean English to slang.A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the bookis itsabundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief ofwhom is thatlearned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape,S.J., whose lines bearhis initials.To Father Jape's kindlyencouragement and assistance the authorof the prose text is greatlyindebted.2THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYAABASEMENT, n.A decent and customary mental attitude in thepresenceof wealth of power.Peculiarly appropriate in an employeewhenaddressing an employer.ABATIS, n.Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbishoutsidefrom molesting the rubbish inside.ABDICATION, n.An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense ofthehigh temperature of the throne.Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in theSpanish nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: She wiselyleft a throne too hot to hold her. To History she'll be no royal riddle --Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.ABDOMEN, n.The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship,withsacrificial rights, all true men engage.From women this ancientfaithcommands but a stammering assent.They sometimes minister atthe altar ina half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverencefor the one deity thatmen really adore they know not.If woman had afree hand in the world'smarketing the race would becomegraminivorous.ABILITY, n.The natural equipment to accomplish some small partofthe meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.In thelastanalysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a highdegree ofsolemnity.Perhaps, however, this impressive quality isrightly appraised; itis no easy task to be solemn.ABNORMAL, adj.Not conforming to standard.In matters of thoughtandconduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is tobedetested.Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving towardthestraiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death andthehope of Hell.ABORIGINIES, n.Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil ofanewly discovered country.They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.ABRACADABRA.3THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYBy _Abracadabra_ we signify An infinite number of things. 'Tis theanswer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither? --aword whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all whogrope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light.Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. Ionly know that 'tis handed down. From sage to sage, From age to age --An immortal part of speech!Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old,In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The fame of hiswisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand Hisbeard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright.Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feat and hear andhear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But "_Abracadabra,abracadab_, _Abracada, abracad_, _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" 'Twas all hehad, 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of themystical speech, Which they published next --A trickle of text In themeadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In a number, asleaves of trees; In learning, remarkably -- very!He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But hiswisdom is sacredly cherished. In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, Like anancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clearHumanity's General Sense of Things.Jamrach HolobomABRIDGE, v.t.To shorten.When in the course of human events it becomes necessary forpeople toabridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions ofmankind requiresthat they should declare the causes which impelthem to the separation.Oliver CromwellABRUPT, adj.Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of acannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests aremostaffected by it.Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of anotherauthor'sideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."ABSCOND, v.i.To "move in a mysterious way," commonly withtheproperty of another.4THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYSpring beckons!All things to the call respond; The trees are leavingand cashiers abscond.Phela OrmABSENT, adj.Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction;vilifed;hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration andaffectionof another.To men a man is but a mind.Who cares What face he carries or whatform he wears? But woman's body is the woman.O, Stay thou, mysweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hathsaid: A woman absent is a woman dead.Jogo TyreeABSENTEE, n.A person with an income who has had the forethoughttoremove himself from the sphere of exaction.ABSOLUTE, adj.Independent, irresponsible.An absolute monarchyisone in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleasestheassassins.Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of themhaving beenreplaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign'spower for evil (andfor good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,which are governed bychance.ABSTAINER, n.A weak person who yields to the temptation ofdenyinghimself a pleasure.A total abstainer is one who abstainsfromeverything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in theaffairsof others.Said a man to a crapulent youth:"I thought You a total abstainer, myson." "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught -- "But not, sir, abigoted one."ABSURDITY, n.A statement or belief manifestly inconsistentwithone's own opinion.ACADEME, n.An ancient school where morality and philosophyweretaught.ACADEMY, n.[from ACADEME] A modern school where footballistaught.ACCIDENT, n.An inevitable occurrence due to the action of5THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYimmutablenatural laws.ACCOMPLICE, n.One associated with another in a crime, havingguiltyknowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends acriminal,knowing him guilty.This view of the attorney's position inthematter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, noonehaving offered them a fee for assenting.ACCORD, n.Harmony.ACCORDION, n.An instrument in harmony with the sentiments ofanassassin.ACCOUNTABILITY, n.The mother of caution."My accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand Vizier:"Yes, yes,"Said the Shah:"I do -- 'tis the only kind Of ability you possess."Joram TateACCUSE, v.t.To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonlyas ajustification of ourselves for having wronged him.ACEPHALOUS, adj.In the surprising condition of the Crusaderwhoabsently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitarhad,unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by deJoinville.ACHIEVEMENT, n.The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t.To confess.Acknowledgement of oneanother'sfaults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.ACQUAINTANCE, n.A person whom we know well enough toborrow from,but not well enough to lend to.A degree of friendship calledslightwhen its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is richorfamous.ACTUALLY, adv.Perhaps; possibly.ADAGE, n.Boned wisdom for weak teeth.ADAMANT, n.A mineral frequently found beneath a corset.Solubleinsolicitate of gold.ADDER, n.A species of snake.So called from its habit ofaddingfuneral outlays to the other expenses of living.ADHERENT, n.A follower who has not yet obtained all that heexpectsto get.ADMINISTRATION, n.An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed6THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYtoreceive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.A manofstraw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.ADMIRAL, n.That part of a war-ship which does the talking whilethefigure-head does the thinking.ADMIRATION, n.Our polite recognition of another's resemblancetoourselves.ADMONITION, n.Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe.Friendlywarning.Consigned by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition.JudibrasADORE, v.t.To venerate expectantly.ADVICE, n.The smallest current coin."The man was in such deep distress," Said Tom, "that I could do noless Than give him good advice."Said Jim: "If less could have been donefor him I know you well enough, my son, To know that's what you wouldhave done."Jebel JocordyAFFIANCED, pp.Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.AFFLICTION, n.An acclimatizing process preparing the soulforanother and bitter world.AFRICAN, n.A nigger that votes our way.AGE, n.That period of life in which we compound for the vices thatwestill cherish by reviling those that we have no longer theenterprise tocommit.AGITATOR, n.A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of hisneighbors-- to dislodge the worms.AIM, n.The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up!Have you no aim inlife?" She tenderly inquired. "An aim?Well, no, I haven't, wife; The fact is-- I have fired."AIR, n.A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providenceforthe fattening of the poor.ALDERMAN, n.An ingenious criminal who covers his secretthievingwith a pretence of open marauding.7THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYALIEN, n.An American sovereign in his probationary state.ALLAH, n.The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished fromtheChristian, Jewish, and so forth.Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the sins of manhave wept; And sometimes kneeling in the temple I Have reverentlycrossed my hands and slept.Junker BarlowALLEGIANCE, n.This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of theLord's anointed.ALLIANCE, n.In international politics, the union of two thieveswhohave their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets thattheycannot separately plunder a third.ALLIGATOR, n.The crocodile of America, superior in every detailtothe crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.Herodotussaysthe Indus is, with one exception, the only river that producescrocodiles,but they appear to have gone West and grown up with theother rivers.Fromthe notches on his back the alligator is called asawrian.ALONE, adj.In bad company.In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thoughtreveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone.Booley FitoALTAR, n.The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled outthesmall intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divinationandcooked its flesh for the gods.The word is now seldom used,except withreference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by amale and a femaletool.They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in whichtheir fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim An offeringburnt with an unholy flame.M.P. NopputAMBIDEXTROUS, adj.Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand8THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYpocketor a left.AMBITION, n.An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemieswhileliving and made ridiculous by friends when dead.AMNESTY, n.The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom itwouldbe too expensive to punish.ANOINT, v.t.To grease a king or other great functionaryalreadysufficiently slippery.As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead thepopulace are greased good.JudibrasANTIPATHY, n.The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.APHORISM, n.Predigested wisdom.The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain,And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism."The Mad Philosopher," 1697APOLOGIZE, v.i.To lay the foundation for a future offence.