魔鬼词典-17

Thompson JohnsonRECTOR, n.In the Church of England, the Third Person oftheparochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.REDEMPTION, n.Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their129THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYsin,through their murder of the deity against whom theysinned.Thedoctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of ourholyreligion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, buthaveeverlasting life in which to try to understand it.We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, And take some specialmeasure for redeeming it; Though hard indeed the task to get it in Amongthe angels any way but teaming it, Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner: My method is to crucify thesinner.Golgo BroneREDRESS, n.Reparation without satisfaction. Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by theking was permitted, onproving his injury, to beat a brazen image ofthe royal offender with aswitch that was afterward applied to his ownnaked back.The latter rite wasperformed by the public hangman, andit assured moderation in theplaintiff's choice of a switch.RED-SKIN, n.A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -atleast not on the outside.REDUNDANT, adj.Superfluous; needless; _de trop_.The Sultan said:"There's evidence abundant To prove this unbelievingdog redundant." To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,Replied:"His head, at least, appears excessive."Habeeb SuleimanMr. Debs is a redundant citizen.Theodore RooseveltREFERENDUM, n.A law for submission of proposed legislation toapopular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.REFLECTION, n.An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearerviewof our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoidtheperils that we shall not again encounter.REFORM, v.A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposedtoreformation.REFUGE, n.Anything assuring protection to one in peril.MosesandJoshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth,130THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYKadesh,Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken lifeinadvertentlycould flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased.Thisadmirableexpedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabledthem toenjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead manwasappropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral gamesofearly Greece.REFUSAL, n.Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden'shandin marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise toarich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, byapriest, and so forth.Refusals are graded in a descending scale offinalitythus:the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, therefusal tentative and therefusal feminine.The last is called bysome casuists the refusal assentive.REGALIA, n.Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume ofsuchancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; VisionariesofDetectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; theLeagueof Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the GenteelSocietyof Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of GeorgeousRegalians;Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order ofSons ofthe West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of theLongBow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes;theImpenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion ofFlamboyantConspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine;ShiningInaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip;Jannissaries ofthe Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of theMagic Temple; theGrand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; AssociatedDeities of theButter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the AffectionateFraternity ofMen Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies ofHorror;Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes ofEden;Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions oftheDomestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; theAncientSodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns ofMendacity;Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society forPrevention ofPrevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential;the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll;131THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYUniformed Rank ofLousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons ofthe South Star;Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.RELIGION, n.A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorancethenature of the Unknowable. "What is your religion my son?" inquiredthe Archbishop of Rheims. "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "Iam ashamed of it." "Then why do you not become an atheist?""Impossible!I should be ashamed of atheism." "In that case, monsieur, youshould join the Protestants."RELIQUARY, n.A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces ofthetrue cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, thelung ofthe cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries arecommonly of metal, and provided with a lock to preventthe contents fromcoming out and performing miracles at unseasonabletimes.A feather fromthe wing of the Angel of the Annunciation onceescaped during a sermon inSaint Peter's and so tickled the noses ofthe congregation that they wokeand sneezed with great vehemence threetimes each.It is related in the"Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristanin the Canterbury cathedral surprisedthe head of Saint Dennis in thelibrary.Reprimanded by its stern custodian,it explained that it wasseeking a body of doctrine.This unseemly levity soraged thediocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, throwninto theStour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought fromRome.RENOWN, n.A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -alittle more supportable than the one and a little more intolerablethan theother.Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly andinconsiderate hand.I touched the harp in every key, But found no heeding ear; And thenIthuriel touched me With a revealing spear.Not all my genius, great as 'tis, Could urge me out of night. I felt thefaint appulse of his, And leapt into the light!W.J. CandletonREPARATION, n.Satisfaction that is made for a wrong anddeductedfrom the satisfaction felt in committing it.REPARTEE, n.Prudent insult in retort.Practiced by gentlemen withaconstitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition tooffend.In a132THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYwar of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.REPENTANCE, n.The faithful attendant and follower ofPunishment.Itis usually manifest in a degree of reformation that isnotinconsistent with continuity of sin.Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, You will repent and join theChurch, Parnell? How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals Andadd you to the woes of other souls.Jomater AbemyREPLICA, n.A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist thatmadethe original.It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," whichismade by another artist.When the two are mae with equal skill thereplica isthe more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautifulthan it looks.REPORTER, n.A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispelsitwith a tempest of words."More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou Whose 'lips are sealed'and will not disavow!" So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneathhis hand the leg-long "interview."Barson MaithREPOSE, v.i.To cease from troubling.REPRESENTATIVE, n.Innational politics, a member of the Lower Housein this world, and withoutdiscernible hope of promotion in the next.REPROBATION, n.In theology, the state of a lucklessmortalprenatally damned.The doctrine of reprobation was taught byCalvin,whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity ofhisconviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, othersarepredestined to salvation.REPUBLIC, n.A nation in which, the thing governing and thethinggoverned being the same, there is only a permitted authoritytoenforce an optional obedience.In a republic, the foundation ofpublicorder is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited fromancestorswho, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are asmany kinds of republics as there are graduations betweenthe despotismwhence they came and the anarchy whither they lead.REQUIEM, n.A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us133THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthewinds sing o'er the graves of their favorites.Sometimes, by wayofproviding a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.RESIDENT, adj.Unable to leave.RESIGN, v.t.To renounce an honor for an advantage.To renounceanadvantage for a greater advantage.'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed A true renunciation Of title,rank and every kind Of military station -- Each honorable station.By his example fired -- inclined To noble emulation, The countryhumbly was resigned To Leonard's resignation --His Christianresignation.Politian GreameRESOLUTE, adj.Obstinate in a course that we approve.RESPECTABILITY, n.The offspring of a _liaison_ between a baldheadand a bank account.RESPIRATOR, n.An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth ofaninhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in itspassageto the lungs.RESPITE, n.A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin,toenable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not havebeendone by the prosecuting attorney.Any break in the continuity ofadisagreeable expectation.Altgeld upon his incandescend bed Lay, an attendant demon at hishead."O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- Some respite from theroast, however brief.""Remember how on earth I pardoned all Your friends in Illinois whenheld in thrall.""Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm O'er fire unquenched, anever-dying worm."Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, Your doom I'll mollify and painsabate."Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, Not even the memoryof who you are."Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; Heaven trembled as134THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYCompassion entered Hell."As long, sweet demon, let my respite be As, governing down here, I'drespite thee.""As long, poor soul, as any of the pack You thrust from jail consumedin getting back."A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide While they were turning him ont'other side.Joel Spate WoopRESPLENDENT, adj.Like a simple American citizen bedukinghimself inhis lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Thingsas anelemental unit of a parade.The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-and-goldthat their masters would hardly have known them."Chronicles of the Classes"RESPOND, v.i.To make answer, or disclose otherwise aconsciousnessof having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls"externalcoexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear ofEve,responded to the touch of the angel's spear.To respond in damages istocontribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and,incidentally, tothe gratification of the plaintiff.RESPONSIBILITY, n.A detachable burden easily shifted totheshoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor.In the daysofastrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.Alas, things ain't what we should see If Eve had let that apple be; Andmany a feller which had ought To set with monarchses of thought, Or playsome rosy little game With battle-chaps on fields of fame, Is downed byhis unlucky star And hollers:"Peanuts! -- here you are!""The Sturdy Beggar"RESTITUTIONS, n.The founding or endowing of universities andpubliclibraries by gift or bequest.RESTITUTOR, n.Benefactor; philanthropist.RETALIATION, n.The natural rock upon which is reared the TempleofLaw.RETRIBUTION, n.A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike135THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYuponthe just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter byevictingthem. In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile byFatherGassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense oftheimproduence of turning about to face Retribution when it istalkingexercise:What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go Back to Brazil to end yourdays in quiet? Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? 'Tis not solong since you were in a riot, And your dear subjects showed a will to flyat Your throat and shake you like a rat.You know That empires areungrateful; are you certain Republics are less handy to get hurt in?REVEILLE, n.A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefieldsnomore, but get up and have their blue noses counted.In theAmerican army itis ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to thatpronunciation our countrymenhave pledged their lives, theirmisfortunes and their sacred dishonor.REVELATION, n.A famous book in which St. John the Divineconcealedall that he knew.The revealing is done by the commentators,who knownothing.REVERENCE, n.The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog toaman.REVIEW, v.t.To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, Although in truth there'sneither bone nor skin to it) At work upon a book, and so read out of it Thequalities that you have first read into it.REVOLUTION, n.In politics, an abrupt change in the formofmisgovernment.Specifically, in American history, the substitution oftherule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby thewelfare andhappiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions areusually accompanied by a considerable effusion ofblood, but areaccounted worth it -- this appraisement being made bybeneficiaries whoseblood had not the mischance to be shed.TheFrench revolution is ofincalculable value to the Socialist of to-day;when he pulls the stringactuating its bones its gestures areinexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrantssuspected of fomenting lawand order.RHADOMANCER, n.One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting136THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYforprecious metals in the pocket of a fool.RIBALDRY, n.Censorious language by another concerning oneself.RIBROASTER, n.Censorious language by oneself concerning another.The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have beenused in afable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidiouswriters of thefifteenth century --commonly, indeed, regarded as thefounder of theFastidiotic School.RICE-WATER, n.A mystic beverage secretly used by our mostpopularnovelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotizetheconscience.It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine,and isbrewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp.RICH, adj.Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the propertyofthe indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious andtheluckless.That is the view that prevails in the underworld, wheretheBrotherhood of Man finds its most logical development andcandidadvocacy.To denizens of the midworld the word means good andwise.RICHES, n.A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, inwhom I amwell pleased."John D. RockefellerThe reward of toil and virtue.

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