PANDEMONIUM, n.Literally, the Place of All the Demons.Most ofthemhave escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used asalecture hall by the Audible Reformer.When disturbed by his voicetheancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to hisprideof distinction.PANTALOONS, n.A nether habiliment of the adult civilizedmale.Thegarment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the pointsofflexion.Supposed to have been invented by a humorist.Called"trousers"by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy.PANTHEISM, n.The doctrine that everything is God,incontradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.114THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYPANTOMIME, n.A play in which the story is told without violencetothe language.The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.PARDON, v.To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime.Toaddto the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.PASSPORT, n.A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizengoingabroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out forspecialreprobation and outrage.PAST, n.That part of Eternity with some small fraction of whichwehave a slight and regrettable acquaintance.A moving line calledthePresent parts it from an imaginary period known as theFuture.Thesetwo grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one iscontinuallyeffacing the other, are entirely unlike.The one is dark withsorrowand disappointment, the other bright with prosperity andjoy.ThePast is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song.In theonecrouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumblingpenitentialprayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a freewing,beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease.Yet the Pastisthe Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow.Theyare one-- the knowledge and the dream.PASTIME, n.A device for promoting dejection.Gentle exerciseforintellectual debility.PATIENCE, n.A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.PATRIOT, n.One to whom the interests of a part seem superior tothoseof the whole.The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.PATRIOTISM, n.Combustible rubbish read to the torch of anyoneambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionarypatriotism is defined as thelast resort of a scoundrel.With all due respect toan enlightenedbut inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.PEACE, n.In international affairs, a period of cheating betweentwoperiods of fighting.O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease? 'Tis thevoice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors of peace.Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- Would marry it, too. If only theyknew how to do it 'Twere easy to do.115THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYThey're working by night and by day On their problem, like moles.Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, On their meddlesome souls!Ro AmilPEDESTRIAN, n.The variable (an audible) part of the roadway foranautomobile.PEDIGREE, n.The known part of the route from an arborealancestorwith a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.PENITENT, adj.Undergoing or awaiting punishment.PERFECTION, n.An imaginary state of quality distinguished fromtheactual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. Theeditor of an English magazine having received a letterpointing out theerroneous nature of his views and style, and signed"Perfection," promptlywrote at the foot of the letter:"I don'tagree with you," and mailed it toMatthew Arnold.PERIPATETIC, adj.Walking about.Relating to the philosophyofAristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place inorderto avoid his pupil's objections.A needless precaution -- theyknew no moreof the matter than he.PERORATION, n.The explosion of an oratorical rocket.It dazzles,butto an observer having the wrong kind of nose its mostconspicuouspeculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder usedinpreparing it.PERSEVERANCE, n.A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achievesaninglorious success."Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, Themselves, day andnight, persevering to bawl. "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare --The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" Why, back there inDreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving thepeace, The goal and the rival forgotten alike, And the long fatigue of theneedless hike. His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew Of the doglessLand beyond the Stew, He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, A winner ofall that is good in a race.Sukker UffroPESSIMISM, n.A philosophy forced upon the convictions of116THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYtheobserver by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist withhisscarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.PHILANTHROPIST, n.A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman whohastrained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.PHILISTINE, n.One whose mind is the creature of itsenvironment,following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment.Heissometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean andalwayssolemn.PHILOSOPHY, n.A route of many roads leading from nowhere tonothing.PHOENIX, n.The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird."PHONOGRAPH, n.An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.PHOTOGRAPH, n.A picture painted by the sun without instructioninart.It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quiteso good asthat of a Cheyenne.PHRENOLOGY, n.The science of picking the pocket through thescalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is adupewith.PHYSICIAN, n.One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and ourdogswhen well.PHYSIOGNOMY, n.The art of determining the character of anotherbythe resemblances and differences between his face and our own, whichisthe standard of excellence."There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, "To read the mind'sconstruction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, Andsay:"How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face disclosed hismind and heart, So, in his own defence, denied our art."Lavatar ShunkPIANO, n.A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor.Itisoperated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits oftheaudience.PICKANINNY, n.The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or_Americanusdominans_.It is small, black and charged with politicalfatalities.117THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYPICTURE, n.A representation in two dimensions of somethingwearisome in three."Behold great Daubert's picture here on view --Taken from Life."Ifthat description's true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.Jali HanePIE, n.An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains.Rev. Dr. Mucker(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman)Cold pie is a detestable American comestible. That's why I'm done -or undone -- So far from that dear London.(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo)PIETY, n.Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon Hissupposedresemblance to man.The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swinehas snout and bristles.JudibrasPIG, n.An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to thehumanrace by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,isinferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.PIGMY, n.One of a tribe of very small men found by ancienttravelersin many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africaonly.ThePigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkierCaucasians-- who are Hogmies.PILGRIM, n.A traveler that is taken seriously.A Pilgrim Father wasonewho, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalmsthroughhis nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he couldpersonate Godaccording to the dictates of his conscience.PILLORY, n.A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction-prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons ofausterevirtues and blameless lives.PIRACY, n.Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.PITIFUL, adj.The state of an enemy of opponent after animaginaryencounter with oneself.118THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYPITY, n.A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.PLAGIARISM, n.A literary coincidence compounded of adiscreditablepriority and an honorable subsequence.PLAGIARIZE, v.To take the thought or style of another writerwhomone has never, never read.PLAGUE, n.In ancient times a general punishment of the innocentforadmonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of PharaohtheImmune.The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know itismerely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of herpurposelessobjectionableness.PLAN, v.t.To bother about the best method of accomplishinganaccidental result.PLATITUDE, n.The fundamental element and special glory ofpopularliterature. A thought that snores in words that smoke.The wisdomofa million fools in the diction of a dullard.A fossil sentiment inartificialrock.A moral without the fable.All that is mortal of adeparted truth.Ademi-tasse of milk-and-mortality.The Pope's-noseof a featherlesspeacock.A jelly-fish withering on the shore of thesea of thought.Thecackle surviving the egg.A desiccated epigram.PLATONIC, adj.Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates.PlatonicLoveis a fool's name for the affection between a disability and afrost.PLAUDITS, n.Coins with which the populace pays those who tickleanddevour it.PLEASE, v.To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.PLEASURE, n.The least hateful form of dejection.PLEBEIAN, n.An ancient Roman who in the blood of his countrystainednothing but his hands.Distinguished from the Patrician, who wasasaturated solution.PLEBISCITE, n.A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj.Having full power.A MinisterPlenipotentiaryis a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on conditionthat henever exert it.PLEONASM, n.An army of words escorting a corporal of thought.PLOW, n.An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to119THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthepen.PLUNDER, v.To take the property of another without observingthedecent and customary reticences of theft.To effect a changeofownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band.To wrestthewealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity.POCKET, n.The cradle of motive and the grave ofconscience.Inwoman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, andherconscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sinsofothers.POETRY, n.A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyondtheMagazines.POKER, n.A game said to be played with cards for some purposetothis lexicographer unknown.POLICE, n.An armed force for protection and participation.POLITENESS, n.The most acceptable hypocrisy.POLITICS, n.A strife of interests masquerading as a contestofprinciples.The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.POLITICIAN, n.An eel in the fundamental mud upon whichthesuperstructure of organized society is reared.When we wriggleshemistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. Ascompared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of beingalive.POLYGAMY, n.A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fittedwithseveral stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy,whichhas but one.POPULIST, n.A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, foundinthe old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by anuncommonspread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him thepower of flight,though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuingindependent lines ofthought, have ingeniously pointed out that had hepossessed it he wouldhave gone elsewhere.In the picturesque speechof his period, somefragments of which have come down to us, he wasknown as "The Matterwith Kansas."PORTABLE, adj.Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudesofpossession.120THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYHis light estate, if neither he did make it Nor yet its former guardianforsake it, Is portable improperly, I take it.Worgum SlupskyPORTUGUESE, .A species of geese indigenous toPortugal.Theyare mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, evenwhen stuffedwith garlic.POSITIVE, adj.Mistaken at the top of one's voice.POSITIVISM, n.A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Realandaffirms our ignorance of the Apparent.Its longest exponent is Comte,itsbroadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.POSTERITY, n.An appellate court which reverses the judgment ofapopular author's contemporaries, the appellant being hisobscurecompetitor.POTABLE, n.Suitable for drinking.Water is said to be potable;indeed,some declare it our natural beverage, although even they findit palatableonly when suffering from the recurrent disorder known asthirst, for whichit is a medicine.Upon nothing has so great anddiligent ingenuity beenbrought to bear in all ages and in allcountries, except the most uncivilized,as upon the invention ofsubstitutes for water.To hold that this generalaversion to thatliquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race isto beunscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads.POVERTY, n.A file provided for the teeth of the rats ofreform.Thenumber of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformerswhosuffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothingaboutit.Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtuesand bytheir faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into aprosperity where theybelieve these to be unknown.PRAY, v.To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalfof asingle petitioner confessedly unworthy.PRE-ADAMITE, n.One of an experimental and apparentlyunsatisfactoryrace of antedated Creation and lived under conditions noteasilyconceived.Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" andtohave been something intermediate between fishes and birds.Littleitsknown of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife121THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYandtheologians with a controversy.PRECEDENT, n.In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which,inthe absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority aJudgemay choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as hepleases.As there are precedents for everything, he hasonly to ignore those