speech and manner just Befitting his calling:"Madam, I trust That itdoesn't hurt your twigs."B. Percival DikeLINEN, n."A kind of cloth the making of which, when made ofhemp,entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman.LITIGANT, n.A person about to give up his skin for the hopeofretaining his bones.LITIGATION, n.A machine which you go into as a pig and come outofas a sausage.LIVER, n.A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature tobebilious with.The sentiments and emotions which every literaryanatomistnow knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed toinfest the liver;and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional sideof human nature, callsit "our hepaticall parte."It was at one timeconsidered the seat of life; henceits name -- liver, the thing welive with.The liver is heaven's best gift to thegoose; without itthat bird would be unable to supply us with theStrasbourg _pate_.LL.D.Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_,onelearned in laws, gifted with legal gumption.Some suspicion is castuponthis derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._,andconferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth.Atthe date ofthis writing Columbia University is considering theexpediency of making90THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYanother degree for clergymen, in place of the oldD.D. -- _DamnatorDiaboli_.The new honor will be known as _SanctorumCustus_, andwritten _$$c_.The name of the Rev. John Satan has beensuggested as asuitable recipient by a lover of consistency, whopoints out that ProfessorHarry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed theadvantage of a degree.LOCK-AND-KEY, n.The distinguishing device of civilizationandenlightenment.LODGER, n.A less popular name for the Second Person ofthatdelectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.LOGIC, n.The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordancewiththe limitations and incapacities of the humanmisunderstanding.Thebasic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a majorand a minorpremise and a conclusion -- thus: _Major Premise_:Sixty mencan do a piece of work sixty times asquickly as one man. _MinorPremise_:One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;therefore -_Conclusion_:Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. This may becalled the syllogism arithmetical, in which, bycombining logic andmathematics, we obtain a double certainty and aretwice blessed.LOGOMACHY, n.A war in which the weapons are words and thewoundspunctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contestinwhich, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor isdeniedthe reward of success.'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died ofMilton's pen. Alas! we cannot know if this is true, For reading Milton's witwe perish too.LOGANIMITY, n.The disposition to endure injury with meekforbearancewhile maturing a plan of revenge.LONGEVITY, n.Uncommon extension of the fear of death.LOOKING-GLASS, n.A vitreous plane upon which to display afleetingshow for man's disillusion given. The King of Manchuria had amagic looking-glass, whereon whosolooked saw, not his own image, butonly that of the king.A certaincourtier who had long enjoyed the king'sfavor and was therebyenriched beyond any other subject of the realm, saidto the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent91THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYout ofthine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visibleshadow,prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thybenigncountenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O NoondaySun ofthe Universe!" Please with the speech, the king commanded that themirror beconveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gonethitherwithout apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naughtbutidle lumber.And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlacedwithcobwebs.This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering theglass,and was sorely hurt.Enraged all the more by this mischance,hecommanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, andthat theglass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and thiswas done.Butwhen the king looked again on the mirror he saw not hisimage as before,but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloodybandage on one of itshinder hooves -- as the artificers and all whohad looked upon it had beforediscerned but feared to report.Taughtwisdom and charity, the king restoredhis courtier to liberty, had themirror set into the back of the throne andreigned many years withjustice and humility; and one day when he fellasleep in death whileon the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror theluminous figureof an angel, which remains to this day.LOQUACITY, n.A disorder which renders the sufferer unable tocurbhis tongue when you wish to talk.LORD, n.In American society, an English tourist above the state ofacostermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and soforth.Thetraveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir'ArryDonkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath.The word "Lord" is sometimes used,also,as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be ratherflatterythan true reverence.Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, Wedded a wanderingEnglish lord -- Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," A parentwho throve by the practice of Draw. Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declareUnworthy the father-in-legal care Of that elderly sport, notwithstandingthe truth That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; For, sad torelate, he'd arrived at the stage Of existence that's marked by the vices ofage. Among them, cupidity caused him to urge Repeated demands on the92THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYpocket of Splurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman sawInadequate aid in the practice of Draw, And took, as a means ofaugmenting his pelf, To the business of being a lord himself. His neatfitting garments he wilfully shed And sacked himself strangely in checksinstead; Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear A whisker that lookedlike a blasted career. He painted his neck an incarnadine hue Eachmorning and varnished it all that he knew. The moony monocular set in hiseye Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. His head wasenroofed with a billycock hat, And his low-necked shoes were aduncousand flat. In speech he eschewed his American ways, Denying his nose tothe use of his A's And dulling their edge till the delicate sense Of a babe attheir temper could take no offence. His H's -- 'twas most inexpressiblysweet, The patter they made as they fell at his feet! Re-outfitted thus, Mr.Splurge without fear Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. Alas, theDivinity shaping his end Entertained other views and decided to send Hislordship in horror, despair and dismay From the land of the nobleman'snatural prey. For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde Fell -suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad!LORE, n.Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived fromaregular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occultbooks, orby nature.This latter is commonly designated as folk-loreand embracespopularly myths and superstitions.In Baring-Gould's_Curious Myths ofthe Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of thesetraced backward,through various people son converging lines, toward acommon origin inremote antiquity.Among these are the fables of"Teddy the Giant Killer,""The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "LittleRed Riding Hood and theSugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "TheSeven Aldermen ofEphesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth.Thefable with Goethe soaffectingly relates under the title of "The Erl-King" was known twothousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and theInfant Industry."Oneof the most general and ancient of these mythsis that Arabian tale of "AliBaba and the Forty Rockefellers."LOSS, n.Privation of that which we had,or had not.Thus, in thelatter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he93THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"lost hiselection"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has"losthis mind."It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that thewordis used in the famous epitaph:Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our eternal gain,For while he exercised all his powers Whatever he gained, the loss wasours.LOVE, n.A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removalofthe patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalentonlyamong civilized races living under artificial conditions;barbarousnations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoyimmunity fromits ravages.It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently tothephysician than to the patient.LOW-BRED, adj."Raised" instead of brought up.LUMINARY, n.One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor bynotwriting about it.LUNARIAN, n.An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguishedfromLunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.The Lunarians havebeendescribed by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but withoutmuchagreement.For example, Bragellos avers their anatomicalidentitywith Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like thehilltribes of Vermont.LYRE, n.An ancient instrument of torture.The word is now used inafigurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the followingfiery linesof our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And pick with care the disobedientwire. That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With deaf attentionscarcely deigns to look. I bide my time, and it shall come at length, When,with a Titan's energy and strength, I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O,The word shall suffer when I let them go!Farquharson Harris94THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYMMACE, n.A staff of office signifying authority.Its form, that of aheavyclub, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading fromdissent.MACHINATION, n.The method employed by one's opponents inbafflingone's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing.So plain the advantages of machination It constitutes a moralobligation, And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing Feel boundto don the sheep's deceptive clothing. So prospers still the diplomatic art,And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart.R.S.K.MACROBIAN, n.One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age.History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah toOldParr, but some notable instances of longevity are less wellknown.ACalabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long thathehad what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace.Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that hecouldremember a time when he did not deserve hanging.In 1566 alinen draperof Bristol, England, declared that he had lived fivehundred years, and thatin all that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity(_macrobiosis_) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is oldenough to know better.The editor of_The American_, a newspaper in NewYork City, has a memory that goesback to the time when he was a rascal,but not to the fact.ThePresident of the United States was born so long agothat many of thefriends of his youth have risen to high political andmilitarypreferment without the assistance of personal merit.Theversesfollowing were written by a macrobian:When I was young the world was fair And amiable and sunny. Abrightness was in all the air, In all the waters, honey. The jokes were fineand funny, The statesmen honest in their views, And in their lives, as well,And when you heard a bit of news 'Twas true enough to tell. Men were notranting, shouting, reeking, Nor women "generally speaking."The Summer then was long indeed: It lasted one whole season! The95THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYsparkling Winter gave no heed When ordered by Unreason To bring theearly peas on. Now, where the dickens is the sense In calling that a yearWhich does no more than just commence Before the end is near? When Iwas young the year extended From month to month until it ended. I knownot why the world has changed To something dark and dreary, Andeverything is now arranged To make a fellow weary. The Weather Man -- Ifear he Has much to do with it, for, sure, The air is not the same: It chokesyou when it is impure, When pure it makes you lame. With windowsclosed you are asthmatic; Open, neuralgic or sciatic.Well, I suppose this new regime Of dun degeneration Seems evilerthan it would seem To a better observation, And has for compensationSome blessings in a deep disguise Which mortal sight has failed To pierce,although to angels' eyes They're visible unveiled. If Age is such a boon,good land! He's costumed by a master hand!Venable StriggMAD, adj.Affected with a high degree of intellectualindependence;not conforming to standards of thought, speech and actionderived bythe conformants from study of themselves; at odds with themajority;in short, unusual.It is noteworthy that persons are pronouncedmadby officials destitute of evidence that themselves aresane.Forillustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is nofirmerin the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of anymadhouse in theland; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, insteadof the lofty occupationthat seems to him to be engaging his powers hemay really be beating hishands against the window bars of an asylumand declaring himself NoahWebster, to the innocent delight of manythoughtless spectators.MAGDALENE, n.An inhabitant of Magdala.Popularly, a womanfoundout.This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance,Maryof Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentionedbySt. Luke.It has also the official sanction of the governments ofGreatBritain and the United States.In England the word ispronounced Maudlin,whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantlysentimental.With their Maudlinfor Magdalene, and their Bedlam forBethlehem, the English may justlyboast themselves the greatest ofrevisers.96THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYMAGIC, n.An art of converting superstition into coin.There areotherarts serving the same high purpose, but the discreetlexicographer does notname them.MAGNET, n.Something acted upon by magnetism.MAGNETISM, n.Something acting upon a magnet. The twodefinitions immediately foregoing are condensed from theworks of onethousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated thesubject with a greatwhite light, to the inexpressible advancement ofhuman knowledge.MAGNIFICENT, adj.Having a grandeur or splendor superior to thattowhich the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit,or theglory of a glowworm, to a maggot.MAGNITUDE, n.Size.Magnitude being purely relative, nothingislarge and nothing small.If everything in the universe were increasedinbulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than itwasbefore, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others wouldbelarger than they had been.To an understanding familiar with therelativityof magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of theastronomer wouldbe no more impressive than those of the microscopist. For anything weknow to the contrary, the visible universe may be asmall part of an atom,with its component ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous ether) ofsome animal.Possibly the wee creaturespeopling the corpuscles of our ownblood are overcome with the properemotion when contemplating theunthinkable distance from one of theseto another.MAGPIE, n.A bird whose thievishsomeonethat it might be taught to talk.MAIDEN, n.A young person of thedispositionunfair sexsuggestedaddictedtotoclewlessconduct and views that madden to crime.The genus has awidegeographical distribution, being found wherever sought anddeploredwherever found.The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to theeye,nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear,thoughin respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and,withregard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the fieldby thecanary -- which, also, is more portable.A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang -- This quaint, sweet song sang she;97THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"It's O for a youth with a football bang And a muscle fair to see! TheCaptain he Of a team to be! On the gridiron he shall shine, A monarch byright divine, And never to roast on it -- me!"Opoline JonesMAJESTY, n.The state and title of a king.Regarded with ajustcontempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors,GreatIncohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorableordersof republican America.MALE, n.A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.The maleofthe human race is commonly known (to the female) as MereMan.Thegenus has two varieties:good providers and bad providers.MALEFACTOR, n.The chief factor in the progress of the human race.MALTHUSIAN, adj.Pertaining to Malthus and hisdoctrines.Malthusbelieved in artificially limiting population, but foundthat it couldnot be done by talking.One of the most practical exponents oftheMalthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famoussoldiershave been of the same way of thinking.MAMMALIA, .A family of vertebrate animals whose females inastate of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightenedputthem out to nurse, or use the bottle.MAMMON, n.The god of the world's leading religion.The chieftempleis in the holy city of New York.He swore that all other religions were gammon, And wore out hisknees in the worship of Mammon.Jared OopfMAN, n.An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of whathethinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.Hischiefoccupation is extermination of other animals and his ownspecies, which,however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as toinfest the whole