K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can betracedaway back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercialnationinhabiting the peninsula of Smero.In their tongue it wascalled_Klatch_, which means "destroyed."The form of the letterwasoriginally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedekerexplainsthat it was altered to its present shape to commemorate thedestruction ofthe great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_730 B.C.This buildingwas famous for the two lofty columns of itsportico, one of which wasbroken in half by the catastrophe, the otherremaining intact.As the earlierform of the letter is supposed tohave been suggested by these pillars, so, itis thought by the greatantiquary, its later was adopted as a simple andnatural -- not to saytouching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in thenational memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as anadditionalmnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and thedestruction oneof nature's pums.As each theory seems probable enough, Isee noobjection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himselfonthat side of the question.KEEP, v.t.He willed away his whole estate, And then in death he fell asleep,Murmuring:"Well, at any rate, My name unblemished I shall keep." Butwhen upon the tomb 'twas wrought Whose was it? -- for the dead keepnaught.Durang Gophel ArnKILL, v.t.To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.KILT, n.A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America82THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYandAmericans in Scotland.KINDNESS, n.A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.KING, n.A male person commonly known in America as a "crownedhead,"although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speakof.A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester: "If I wereyou and you were I My moments merrily would fly -- Nor care nor grief topester.""The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," The fool said -- "if you'llhear it -- Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their sovereign, I'veThe most forgiving spirit."Oogum BemKING'S EVIL, n.A malady that was formerly cured by the touch ofthesovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians.Thus 'themostpious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon theailingsubjects and make them whole -a crowd of wretched souls That stay his cure:their malady convincesThe great essay of art; but at his touch, Such sanctity hath Heaven givenhis hand, They presently amend,as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it.This useful property of theroyalhand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crownproperties;for according to "Malcolm,"'tis spoken To the succeeding royalty he leaves The healingbenediction.But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession:thelatersovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and thedisease oncehonored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humblerone of"scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow.The date and author of thefollowingepigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, butit is oldenough to show that the jest about Scotland's nationaldisorder is not athing of yesterday.Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.He layde his hand on mine and sayd: "Be gone!"Ye ill no longer stayd. ButO ye wofull plyght in wh. I'm now y-pight:I have ye itche!83THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYThe superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction isdead, butlike many a departed conviction it has left a monument ofcustom to keepits memory green.The practice of forming a line andshaking thePresident's hand had no other origin, and when that greatdignitary bestowshis healing salutation onstrangely visited people, All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, Themere despair of surgery,he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch whichoncewas kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes ofmen.Itis a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which bringsthe sainted pastclose home in our "business and bosoms."KISS, n.A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss."Itissupposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite orceremonyappertaining to a good understanding; but the manner ofitsperformance is unknown to this lexicographer.KLEPTOMANIAC, n.A rich thief.KNIGHT, n.Once a warrior gentle of birth, Then a person of civic worth, Now afellow to move our mirth. Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more: We mustknight our dogs to get any lower. Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. God speed the day when thisknighting fad Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.KORAN, n.A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to havebeenwritten by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to beawicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.LLABOR, n.One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.LAND, n.A part of the earth's surface, considered asproperty.Thetheory that land is property subject to private ownership andcontrolis the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of84THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthesuperstructure.Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that somehavethe right to prevent others from living; for the right to ownimplies the rightexclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespassare enacted whereverproperty in land is recognized.It follows thatif the whole area of _terrafirma_ is owned by A, B and C, there willbe no place for D, E, F and G tobe born, or, born as trespassers, toexist.A life on the ocean wave, A home on the rolling deep, For the sparkthe nature gave I have there the right to keep.They give me the cat-o'-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then ho! for theflashing brine -- I'm a natural commodore!DodleLANGUAGE, n.The music with which we charm the serpentsguardinganother's treasure.LAOCOON, n.A famous piece of antique scripture representing apriestof that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents.The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads supporttheserpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regardedasone of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery ofhumanintelligence over brute inertia.LAP, n.One of the most important organs of the female system -anadmirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, butchieflyuseful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken andheadsof adult males.The male of our species has a rudimentary lap,imperfectlydeveloped and in no way contributing to the animal'ssubstantial welfare.LAST, n.A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providenceasopportunity to the maker of puns.Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown,So that I might forget his last And hear your own.Gargo RepskyLAUGHTER, n.An interior convulsion, producing a distortion ofthefeatures and accompanied by inarticulate noises.It is infectiousand,though intermittent, incurable.Liability to attacks of laughteris one of thecharacteristics distinguishing man from the animals --these being not onlyinaccessible to the provocation of his example,but impregnable to the85THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYmicrobes having original jurisdiction inbestowal of the disease.Whetherlaughter could be imparted toanimals by inoculation from the humanpatient is a question that hasnot been answered by experimentation.Dr.Meir Witchell holds thatthe infection character of laughter is due to theinstantaneousfermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray.From thispeculiarity henames the disorder _Convulsio spargens_.LAUREATE, adj.Crowned with leaves of the laurel.In EnglandthePoet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting asdancingskeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royalfuneral.Of allincumbents of that high office, Robert Southey hadthe most notable knackat drugging the Samson of public joy andcutting his hair to the quick; andhe had an artistic color-sensewhich enabled him so to blacken a publicgrief as to give it theaspect of a national crime.LAUREL, n.The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo,andformerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poetsashad influence at court.(_Vide supra._)LAW, n.Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping."Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping.Upon your knees if you appear, 'Tis plain your have no standing here."Then Justice came.His Honor cried: "_Your_ status? -- devil seizeyou!" "_Amica curiae,_" she replied -- "Friend of the court, so pleaseyou." "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door -- I never saw your facebefore!"LAWFUL, adj.Compatible with the will of a judge havingjurisdiction.LAWYER, n.One skilled in circumvention of the law.LAZINESS, n.Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of lowdegree.LEAD, n.A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stabilitytolight lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but othermen'swives.Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to anargument ofsuch weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrongway.An interesting86THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYfact in the chemistry of internationalcontroversy is that at the point ofcontact of two patriotisms lead isprecipitated in great quantities.Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great And universal arbiter;endowed With penetration to pierce any cloud Fogging the field ofcontroversial hate, And with a sift, inevitable, straight, Searching precisionfind the unavowed But vital point.Thy judgment, when allowed By thechirurgeon, settles the debate. O useful metal! -- were it not for thee We'dgrapple one another's ears alway: But when we hear thee buzzing like abee We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." And when the quick haverun away like pellets Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.LEARNING, n.The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.LECTURER, n.One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in yourearand his faith in your patience.LEGACY, n.A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale oftears.LEONINE, adj.Unlike a menagerie lion.Leonine verses are thoseinwhich a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, asinthis famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox:The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto,'twixt his snores:"O tempora! O mores!"It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake toteachpronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues.Leonine versesare so calledin honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear tofind a pleasure inbelieving to have been the first to discover that arhyming couplet could berun into a single line.LETTUCE, n.An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," saysthatpious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to rewardthegood and punish the wicked.For by his inner light the righteous manhasdiscerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to theappetencywhereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, beingreconciled andameliorated with profusion of oil, the entirecomestible making glad theheart of the godly and causing his face toshine.But the person of spiritualunworth is successfully tempted tothe Adversary to eat of lettuce withdestitution of oil, mustard, egg,salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath ofvinegar polluted withsugar.Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth87THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYsuffers anintestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song."LEVIATHAN, n.An enormous aquatic animal mentioned byJob.Somesuppose it to have been the whale, but thatdistinguishedichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintainswithconsiderable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole(_ThaddeusPolandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria pseudo-hirsuta_.Foranexhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult thefamousmonograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_.LEXICOGRAPHER, n.A pestilent fellow who, under the pretenseofrecording some particular stage in the development of a language,doeswhat he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility andmechanize itsmethods.For your lexicographer, having written hisdictionary, comes to beconsidered "as one having authority," whereashis function is only to makea record, not to give a law.The naturalservility of the human understandinghaving invested him with judicialpower, surrenders its right of reason andsubmits itself to achronicle as if it were a statue.Let the dictionary (forexample)mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and fewmenthereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it andhoweverdesirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the processofimproverishment is accelerated and speech decays.On thecontrary,recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if itgrowat all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense,hasno following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary"-although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heavenforgive him!)no author ever had used a word that _was_ in thedictionary.In the goldenprime and high noon of English speech; whenfrom the lips of the greatElizabethans fell words that made their ownmeaning and carried it in theirvery sound; when a Shakespeare and aBacon were possible, and thelanguage now rapidly perishing at one endand slowly renewed at the otherwas in vigorous growth and hardypreservation -- sweeter than honey andstronger than a lion -- thelexicographer was a person unknown, thedictionary a creation whichhis Creator had not created him to create.God said:"Let Spirit perish into Form," And lexicographers arose, aswarm! Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, And88THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYcatalogued each garment in a book. Now, from her leafy covert when shecries: "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise And scan the list, andsay without compassion: "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion."Sigismund SmithLIAR, n.A lawyer with a roving commission.LIBERTY, n.One of Imagination's most precious possessions.The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared around thepalace:"Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign;You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain."Martha BraymanceLICKSPITTLE, n.A useful functionary, not infrequently foundeditinga newspaper.In his character of editor he is closely allied totheblackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth thelickspittle isonly the blackmailer under another aspect, although thelatter is frequentlyfound as an independent species.Lickspittlingis more detestable thanblackmailing, precisely as the business of aconfidence man is moredetestable than that of a highway robber; andthe parallel maintains itselfthroughout, for whereas few robbers willcheat, every sneak will plunder ifhe dare.LIFE, n.A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.We liveindaily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question,"Is life worth living?" has been much discussed;particularly by those whothink it is not, many of whom have writtenat great length in support oftheir view and by careful observance ofthe laws of health enjoyed for longterms of years the honors ofsuccessful controversy."Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," Carelessly caroled thegolden youth. In manhood still he maintained that view And held it morestrongly the older he grew. When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, "Gofetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he.Han SoperLIGHTHOUSE, n.A tall building on the seashore in whichthegovernment maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.LIMB, n.The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced89THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYthem tight To a very remarkable height -- Higher, indeed, than I think heought -- Higher than _can_ be right. For the Bible declares -- but nevermind: It is hardly fit To censure freely and fault to find With others for sinsthat I'm not inclined Myself to commit. Each has his weakness, andthough my own Is freedom from every sin, It still were unfair to pitch in,Discharging the first censorious stone. Besides, the truth compels me tosay, The boots in question were _made_ that way. As he drew the lace shemade a grimace, And blushingly said to him: "This boot, I'm sure, is toohigh to endure, It hurts my -- hurts my -- limb." The salesman smiled in amanner mild, Like an artless, undesigning child; Then, checking himself,to his face he gave A look as sorrowful as the grave, Though he didn't caretwo figs For her paints and throes, As he stroked her toes, Remarking with