魔鬼词典-8

afterward inhume it withsoil.This he at once proceeded to do, and hadmade a continuous lineof it all the way across a ten-acre field, when hewas made to lookbackward by a shout from the generous donor, who atonce dropped alighted match into the furrow at the starting-point.Contactwith theearth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startledfunctionarysaw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smokeandfierce evolution.He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless,thenhe recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himselfthencewith such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectatorsalong the routeselected he appeared like a long, dim streakprolonging itself withinconceivable rapidity through seven villages,and audibly refusing to becomforted."Great Scott! what is that?"cried a surveyor's chainman,shading his eyes and gazing at the fadingline of agriculturist whichbisected his visible horizon."That,"said the surveyor, carelessly glancing atthe phenomenon and againcentering his attention upon his instrument, "isthe Meridian ofWashington."HHABEAS CORPUS.A writ by which a man may be taken out of jailwhenconfined for the wrong crime.HABIT, n.A shackle for the free.57THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYHADES, n.The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; theplacewhere the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was notsynonymous with ourHell, many of the most respectable men of antiquityresiding there ina very comfortable kind of way.Indeed, the Elysian Fieldsthemselveswere a part of Hades, though they have since been removed toParis. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in processofevolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted byamajority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; butaconscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of therecordand struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it.Atthenext meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work,suddenlysprang to his feet and said with considerableexcitement:"Gentlemen,somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"Yearsafterward the goodprelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that hehad been themeans (under Providence) of making an important,serviceable andimmortal addition to the phraseology of the Englishtongue.HAG, n.An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like;sometimescalled, also, a hen, or cat.Old witches, sorceresses, etc.,werecalled hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by akindof baleful lumination or nimbus --hag being the popular name ofthatpeculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair.At one timehagwas not a word of reproach:Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag,all smiles,"much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench."It would notnow be proper tocall your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment isreserved for the use of hergrandchildren.HALF, n.One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided,orconsidered as divided.In the fourteenth century a heated discussionaroseamong theologists and philosophers as to whether Omnisciencecould partan object into three halves; and the pious FatherAldrovinus publiclyprayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God woulddemonstrate theaffirmative of the proposition in some signal andunmistakable way, andparticularly (if it should please Him) upon thebody of that hardyblasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained thenegative.Procinus,58THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYhowever, was spared to die of the bite of aviper.HALO, n.Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomicalbody,but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus,"asomewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinitiesandsaints.The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisturein theair, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferredas a sign ofsuperior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre,or the Pope's tiara.Inthe painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, apious artist of Pesth, not onlydo the Virgin and the Child wear thenimbus, but an ass nibbling hay fromthe sacred manger is similarlydecorated and, to his lasting honor be it said,appears to bear hisunaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.HAND, n.A singular instrument worn at the end of the human armandcommonly thrust into somebody's pocket.HANDKERCHIEF, n.A small square of silk or linen, used invariousignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable atfuneralsto conceal the lack of tears.The handkerchief is of recentinvention;our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its dutiesto thesleeve.Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of"Othello" is ananachronism:Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt,as Dr. Mary Walkerand other reformers have done with their coattailsin our own day -- anevidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.HANGMAN, n.An officer of the law charged with duties of thehighestdignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem byapopulace having a criminal ancestry.In some of the American Stateshisfunctions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey,whereexecutions by electricity have recently been ordered -- thefirst instanceknown to this lexicographer of anybody questioning theexpediency ofhanging Jerseymen.HAPPINESS, n.An agreeable sensation arising from contemplatingthemisery of another.HARANGUE, n.A speech by an opponent, who is known as anharrangue-outang.HARBOR, n.A place where ships taking shelter from stores areexposedto the fury of the customs.59THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYHARMONISTS, n.A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who camefromEurope in the beginning of the last century and were distinguishedforthe bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.HASH, x.There is no definition for this word -- nobody knowswhathash is.HATCHET, n.A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk."O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing," the WhiteMan said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposingrites, in the White Man's head.John LukkusHATRED, n.A sentiment appropriate to the occasion ofanother'ssuperiority.HEAD-MONEY, n.A capitation tax, or poll-tax.In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could notwring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough.For pleasure's highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claimsPerpetual repairing.So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before thethrone to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue."Sogreat," Said they, "are the demands of state A tithe of all that we collectWill scarcely meet them.Pray reflect: How, if one-tenth we must resign,Can we exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in reply: "Has itoccurred to you to try The advantage of economy?" "It has," thespokesman said:"we sold All of our gray garrotes of gold; With platedware we now compress The necks of those whom we assess. Plain ironforceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy Who hoards, with greedthat never tires, That which your Majesty requires." Deep lines of thoughtwere seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. "Your state isdesperate, no question; Pray favor me with a suggestion." "O King ofMen," the spokesman said, "If you'll impose upon each head A tax, theaugmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide with you." As flashes of thesun illume The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, The king smiledgrimly."I decree That it be so -- and, not to be In generosity outdone,Declare you, each and every one, Exempted from the operation Of thisnew law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they're60THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYbound and you are free, 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid By youthis poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while you confer With my mosttrusted minister." The monarch from the throne-room walked Andstraightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed,Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed!HEARSE, n.Death's baby-carriage.HEART, n.An automatic, muscular blood-pump.Figuratively,thisuseful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- averypretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a onceuniversalbelief.It is now known that the sentiments and emotionsreside in thestomach, being evolved from food by chemical action ofthe gastricfluid.The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes afeeling -- tender ornot, according to the age of the animal fromwhich it was cut; thesuccessive stages of elaboration through which acaviar sandwich istransmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as apungent epigram; themarvelous functional methods of converting ahard-boiled egg intoreligious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sighof sensibility -- these thingshave been patiently ascertained by M.Pasteur, and by him expounded withconvincing lucidity.(See, also,my monograph, _The Essential Identity ofthe Spiritual Affections andCertain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -4to, 687 pp.)In ascientific work entitled, I believe, _DelectatioDemonorum_ (JohnCamden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of thesentiments receives astriking illustration; and for further light consultProfessor Dam'sfamous treatise on _Love as a Product of AlimentaryMaceration_.HEAT, n.Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know nowhow he's proving His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed Withskill will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burnfree and wild. _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.Gorton SwopeHEATHEN, n.A benighted creature who has the folly toworshipsomething that he can see and feel.According to Professor61THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYHowison,of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens."The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison.He's A Christianphilosopher.I'm A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Addicted toomuch to the crime Of religious discussion in my rhyme.Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On a _modus vivendi_ -not they! -- Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, And I haven't beenreared in a way To joy in the thick of the fray.For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, And the truth of it I aver:Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er -- AndI'm down upon him or her!Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration -- that's all verywell, But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, And he's running -- I know bythe smell -- A secret and personal Hell!Bissell GipHEAVEN, n.A place where the wicked cease from troubling youwithtalk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attentionwhileyou expound your own.HEBREW, n.A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew,analtogether superior creation.HELPMATE, n.A wife, or bitter half."Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" Says the priest."Sincethe time 'o yer wooin' She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- Forit's naught ye are ever doin'.""That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, And no sign ofcontrition envices; "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, For shehelps to mate the expinses [sic]!"Marley WottelHEMP, n.A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an articleofneckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the openairand prevents the wearer from taking cold.HERMIT, n.A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.HERS, pron.His.HIBERNATE, v.i.To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion.There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation62THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYofvarious animals.Many believe that the bear hibernates during thewholewinter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws.It isadmitted that itcomes out of its retirement in the spring so leanthat it had to try twicebefore it can cast a shadow.Three or fourcenturies ago, in England, no factwas better attested than thatswallows passed the winter months in the mudat the bottom of theirbrooks, clinging together in globular masses.Theyhave apparentlybeen compelled to give up the custom and account of thefoulness ofthe brooks.Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a wholenationof people who hibernate.By some investigators, the fasting of Lentissupposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, towhichthe Church gave a religious significance; but this view wasstrenuouslyopposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did notwish anyhonors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family.HIPPOGRIFF, n.An animal (now extinct) which was half horse andhalfgriffin.The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion andhalfeagle.The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quartereagle, which istwo dollars and fifty cents in gold.The study ofzoology is full of surprises.HISTORIAN, n.A broad-gauge gossip.HISTORY, n.An account mostly false, of events mostlyunimportant,which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiersmostlyfools.Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying.Faith, Iwish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein heblundered and how much he lied.Salder BuppHOG, n.A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetiteandserving to illustrate that of ours.Among the Mahometans and Jews,thehog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected forthe delicacy andthe melody of its voice.It is chiefly as a songsterthat the fowl is esteemed;the cage of him in full chorus has beenknown to draw tears from twopersons at once.The scientific name ofthis dicky-bird is _PorcusRockefelleri_.Mr. Rockefeller did notdiscover the hog, but it is consideredhis by right of resemblance.HOMOEOPATHIST, n.The humorist of the medical profession.63THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYHOMOEOPATHY, n.A school of medicine midway between AllopathyandChristian Science.To the last both the others are distinctlyinferior, forChristian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and theycan not.HOMICIDE, n.The slaying of one human being by another.Therearefour kinds of homocide:felonious, excusable, justifiable,andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the personslainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification isforadvantage of the lawyers.HOMILETICS, n.The science of adapting sermons to thespiritualneeds, capacities and conditions of the congregation.So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his normal purges andemetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most justdiscrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulseand heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,His scriptural specifics this physician Administered --his pills soefficacious And pukes of disposition so vivacious That souls afflicted withten kinds of Adam Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. ButSlander's tongue --itself all coated --uttered Her bilious mind andscandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pillswere sugar and the pukes were honey._Biography of Bishop Potter_HONORABLE, adj.Afflicted with an impediment in one'sreach.Inlegislative bodies it is customary to mention all membersashonorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."HOPE, n.Desire and expectation rolled into one.Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- Of fortune destitute, offriends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquildisaffection chews his coat While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from theskies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.Fogarty WeffingHOSPITALITY, n.The virtue which induces us to feed and lodgecertainpersons who are not in need of food and lodging.HOSTILITY, n.A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of64THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYtheearth's overpopulation.Hostility is classified as active andpassive; as(respectively) the feeling of a woman for her femalefriends, and thatwhich she entertains for all the rest of her sex.HOURI, n.A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise tomakethings cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in herexistencemarks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom hedenies asoul.By that good lady the Houris are said to be held indeficientesteem.HOUSE, n.A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man,rat,mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe._House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personalservice,and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. _House of God_, abuilding with a steeple and a mortgage on it. _House-dog_, a pestilentbeast kept on domestic premises to insultpersons passing by and appal thehardy visitor._House-maid_, ayoungerly person of the opposing sexemployed to be variouslydisagreeable and ingeniously unclean in thestation in which it haspleased God to place her.HOUSELESS, adj.Having paid all taxes on household goods.HOVEL, n.The fruit of a flower called the Palace.Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said:"I'll grovelOr he'll think I bear him malice" -- A sentiment as novel As a castor on a

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