Gat HuckleEXECUTIVE, n.An officer of the Government, whose duty it istoenforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as thejudicial40THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYdepartment shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and ofnoeffect.Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _TheLunarianAstonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:LUNARIAN:Then when your Congress has passed a law itgoesdirectly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once beknownwhether it is constitutional? TERRESTRIAN:O no; it does not require theapproval of theSupreme Court until having perhaps been enforced formanyyears somebody objects to its operation against himself -- Imean hisclient.The President, if he approves it, begins toexecute it at once.LUNARIAN:Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. Do yourpolicemen also have to approve the local ordinancesthat they enforce?TERRESTRIAN:Not yet --at least not in their characterofconstables.Generally speaking, though, all laws require theapproval ofthose whom they are intended to restrain. LUNARIAN:I see.The deathwarrant is not valid until signed bythe murderer. TERRESTRIAN:Myfriend, you put it too strongly; we are not soconsistent. LUNARIAN:Butthis system of maintaining an expensive judicialmachinery to pass uponthe validity of laws only after theyhave long been executed, and then onlywhen brought before thecourt by some private person -- does it not causegreatconfusion? TERRESTRIAN:It does. LUNARIAN:Why then shouldnot your laws, previously to beingexecuted, be validated, not by thesignature of yourPresident, but by that of the Chief Justice of theSupremeCourt? TERRESTRIAN:There is no precedent for any suchcourse. LUNARIAN:Precedent.What is that? TERRESTRIAN:It has beendefined by five hundred lawyers in threevolumes each.So how can any oneknow?EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience ofanotherupon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.EXILE, n.One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is notanambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The ExileofErin," replied:"No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it."Yearsafterwards,when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career ofunparalleledatrocities, the following memorandum was found in theship's log that hehad kept at the time of his reply:41THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYAug. 3d, 1842.Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin.Coldlyreceived.Warwith the whole world!EXISTENCE, n.A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, Wherein is nothing yet all thingsdo seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge Of ourbedfellow Death, and cry:"O fudge!"EXPERIENCE, n.The wisdom that enables us to recognize asanundesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.To one who, journeying through night and fog, Is mired neck-deep inan unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, Reveals thepath that he should not have gone.Joel Frad BinkEXPOSTULATION, n.One of the many methods by which foolsprefer tolose their friends.EXTINCTION, n.The raw material out of which theology createdthefuture state.FFAIRY, n.A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, thatformerlyinhabited the meadows and forests.It was nocturnal in itshabits,and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft ofchildren.Thefairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, thoughaclergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as latelyas1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord ofthemanor.The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affectedthat hisaccount of it was incoherent.In the year 1807 a troop offairies visited awood near Aix and carried off the daughter of apeasant, who had beenseen to enter it with a bundle of clothing.Theson of a wealthy _bourgeois_disappeared about the same time, butafterward returned.He had seen theabduction been in pursuit of thefairies.Justinian Gaux, a writer of thefourteenth century, aversthat so great is the fairies' power oftransformation that he saw onechange itself into two opposing armies and42THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYfight a battle with greatslaughter, and that the next day, after it hadresumed its originalshape and gone away, there were seven hundredbodies of the slainwhich the villagers had to bury.He does not say if any ofthewounded recovered.In the time of Henry III, of England, a lawwasmade which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge,ormamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected.FAITH, n.Belief without evidence in what is told by one whospeakswithout knowledge, of things without parallel.FAMOUS, adj.Conspicuously miserable.Done to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famous aspired.Content?Well, his grill has a plating of gold, And his twistings are greatlyadmired.Hassan BrubuddyFASHION, n.A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of passion; Andstraight his courtiers all did try To follow the new fashion.Each dropped one eyelid when before The throne he ventured,thinking 'Twould please the king.That monarch swore He'd slay them allfor winking.What should they do?They were not hot To hazard such disaster; Theydared not close an eye -- dared not See better than their master.Seeing them lacrymose and glum, A leech consoled the weepers: Hespread small rags with liquid gum And covered half their peepers.The court all wore the stuff, the flame Of royal anger dying. That'show court-plaster got its name Unless I'm greatly lying.Naramy OofFEAST, n.A festival.A religious celebration usually signalizedbygluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holypersondistinguished for abstemiousness.In the Roman CatholicChurchfeasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants areuniformlyimmovable until they are full.In their earliest developmenttheseentertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were heldbythe Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs andPeruvians,as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it43THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYisbelieved that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. Amongthe many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which washeld,according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven.FELON, n.A person of greater enterprise than discretion, whoinembracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.FEMALE, n.One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth.From elephants to bats and snails, They all were good, for all were males.But when the Devil came and saw He said:"By Thine eternal law Ofgrowth, maturity, decay, These all must quickly pass away And leaveuntenanted the earth Unless Thou dost establish birth" -- Then tucked hishead beneath his wing To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing Withdeviltry did so accord, That he'd suggested to the Lord. The Masterpondered this advice, Then shook and threw the fateful dice Wherewith allmatters here below Are ordered, and observed the throw; Then bent Hishead in awful state, Confirming the decree of Fate. From every part ofearth anew The conscious dust consenting flew, While rivers from theircourses rolled To make it plastic for the mould. Enough collected (but nomore, For niggard Nature hoards her store) He kneaded it to flexible clay,While Nick unseen threw some away. And then the various forms He cast,Gross organs first and finer last; No one at once evolved, but all By eventouches grew and small Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, To matchall living things He'd made Females, complete in all their parts Except(His clay gave out) the hearts. "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed I'llfetch the very hearts they need" -- So flew away and soon brought backThe number needed, in a sack. That night earth range with sounds of strife-- Ten million males each had a wife; That night sweet Peace her pinionsspread O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead!FIB, n.A lie that has not cut its teeth.An habitual liar'snearestapproach to truth:the perigee of his eccentric orbit.When David said:"All men are liars," Dave, Himself a liar, fibbed likeany thief. Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief By proof that evenhimself was not a slave To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave Had44THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYbeen of all her servitors the chief Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf Ismore than e'er she wore on land or wave. No, David served not NakedTruth when he Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; Nor did hehit the nail upon the head: For reason shows that it could never be, And thefacts contradict him to his face. Men are not liars all, for some are dead.Bartle QuinkerFICKLENESS, n.The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.FIDDLE, n.An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of ahorse'stail on the entrails of a cat.To Rome said Nero:"If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddlewhile you burn." To Nero Rome replied:"Pray do your worst, 'Tis myexcuse that you were fiddling first."Orm PludgeFIDELITY, n.A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.FINANCE, n.The art or science of managing revenues and resourcesforthe best advantage of the manager.The pronunciation of this wordwiththe i long and the accent on the first syllable is one ofAmerica's mostprecious discoveries and possessions.FLAG, n.A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on fortsandships.It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that oneseesand vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here."FLESH, n.The Second Person of the secular Trinity.FLOP, v.Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over toanotherparty.The most notable flop on record was that of Saul ofTarsus,who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some ofourpartisan journals.FLY-SPECK, n.The prototype of punctuation.It is observedbyGarvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the variousliterarynations depended originally upon the social habits andgeneral diet of theflies infesting the several countries.Thesecreatures, which have alwaysbeen distinguished for a neighborly andcompanionable familiarity withauthors, liberally or niggardlyembellish the manuscripts in process ofgrowth under the pen,according to their bodily habit, bringing out thesense of the work bya species of interpretation superior to, and45THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYindependent of, thewriter's powers.The "old masters" of literature -- that isto say,the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribesandcritics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but workedrightalong free-handed, without that abruption of the thought whichcomes fromthe use of points.(We observe the same thing in childrento-day, whoseusage in this particular is a striking and beautifulinstance of the law thatthe infancy of individuals reproduces themethods and stages ofdevelopment characterizing the infancy ofraces.)In the work of theseprimitive scribes all the punctuation isfound, by the modern investigatorwith his optical instruments andchemical tests, to have been inserted bythe writers' ingenious andserviceable collaborator, the common house-fly-_Musca maledicta_. In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purposeof either makingthe work their own or preserving what they naturallyregard as divinerevelations, later writers reverently and accurately copywhatevermarks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to theunspeakableenhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of thework. Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselvesofthe obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and withsuchassistance as the flies of their own household may be willing togrant,frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions,in respectat least of punctuation, which is no small glory.Fully tounderstand theimportant services that flies perform to literature itis only necessary to laya page of some popular novelist alongside asaucer of cream-and-molassesin a sunny room and observe "how the witbrightens and the style refines"in accurate proportion to theduration of exposure.FOLLY, n.That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative andcontrollingenergy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adornshis life.Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once In a thick volume, and allauthors known, If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, Deign to takehomage from thy son who hunts Through all thy maze his brothers, fooland dunce, To mend their lives and to sustain his own, However feebly behis arrows thrown,Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. All-Father Folly! be itmine to raise, With lusty lung, here on his western strand With all thine46THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYoffspring thronged from every land, Thyself inspiring me, the song ofpraise. And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, Dick Watson Gilder,gravest of us all.Aramis Loto FropeFOOL, n.A person who pervades the domain of intellectualspeculationand diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity.Heisomnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent.He itwaswho invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, thetelegraph,the platitude and the circle of the sciences.He createdpatriotism and taughtthe nations war -- founded theology, philosophy,law, medicine andChicago.He established monarchical and republicangovernment.He isfrom everlasting to everlasting -- such ascreation's dawn beheld he foolethnow.In the morning of time he sangupon primitive hills, and in thenoonday of existence headed theprocession of being.His grandmotherlyhand was warmly tucked-in theset sun of civilization, and in the twilighthe prepares Man's eveningmeal of milk-and-morality and turns down thecovers of the universalgrave.And after the rest of us shall have retired forthe night ofeternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history ofhumancivilization.FORCE, n."Force is but might," the teacher said --"That definition's just." Theboy said naught but through instead, Remembering his pounded head:"Force is not might but must!"FOREFINGER, n.The finger commonly used in pointing outtwomalefactors.FOREORDINATION, n.This looks like an easy word to define, butwhen Iconsider that pious and learned theologians have spent long livesinexplaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations;when Iremember the nations have been divided and bloody battlescaused by thedifference between foreordination and predestination,and that millions oftreasure have been expended in the effort toprove and disprove itscompatibility with freedom of the will and theefficacy of prayer, praise,and a religious life, -- recalling theseawful facts in the history of the word,I stand appalled before themighty problem of its signification, abase my47THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYspiritual eyes, fearingto contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverentlyuncover and humblyrefer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and HisGrace Bishop Potter.FORGETFULNESS, n.A gift of God bestowed upon doctors incompensationfor their destitution of conscience.FORK, n.An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of puttingdeadanimals into the mouth.Formerly the knife was employed forthispurpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to havemanyadvantages over the other tool, which, however, they do notaltogetherreject, but use to assist in charging the knife.The immunityofthese persons from swift and awful death is one of the moststrikingproofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him.FORMA PAUPERIS.[Latin]In the character of a poor person -amethod by which a litigant without money for lawyers isconsideratelypermitted to lose his case.When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ereAdam was invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, Hestood and pleaded unhabilimented."You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; "Actions can't here bethat way prosecuted." So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: Hewent away -- as he had come -- nonsuited.FRANKALMOIGNE, n.The tenure by which a religious corporationholdslands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor.Inmediaevaltimes many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estatesinthis simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of Englandsentan officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternityofmonks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would youmasterstay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?""Ay," said theofficer, coldly, "anye will not pray him thence for naught he muste'en roast.""But look you,my son," persisted the good man, "thisact hath rank as robbery ofGod!""Nay, nay, good father, my masterthe king doth but deliver him fromthe manifold temptations of toogreat wealth."FREEBOOTER, n.A conqueror in a small way of business,48THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYwhoseannexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.FREEDOM, n.Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarlyhalfdozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods.A politicalconditionthat every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtualmonopoly.Liberty.Thedistinction between freedom and liberty isnot accurately known;