Giacomo SmithCORPORATION, n.An ingenious device for obtaining individualprofitwithout individual responsibility.CORSAIR, n.A politician of theseas.COURT FOOL, n.The plaintiff.COWARD, n.One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.CRAYFISH, n.A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster,butless indigestible.In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirablyfigured andsymbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move onlybackward, and canhave only retrospection, seeing naught but theperils already passed, so thewisdom of man doth not enable him toavoid the follies that beset hiscourse, but only to apprehendtheir nature afterward.Sir James MerivaleCREDITOR, n.One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond theFinancialStraits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.CREMONA, n.A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.CRITIC, n.A person who boasts himself hard to please becausenobodytries to please him.There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Wheresaints, apparelled all in white, Fling back the critic's mud.And as he legs it through the skies, His pelt a sable hue, He sorrowssore to recognize The missiles that he threw.Orrin GoofCROSS, n.An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to oweitssignificance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity,butreally antedating it by thousands of years.By many it has beenbelieved tobe identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallicworship, but it hasbeen traced even beyond all that we know of that,to the rites of primitivepeoples.We have to-day the White Cross asa symbol of chastity, and theRed Cross as a badge of benevolentneutrality in war.Having in mind theformer, the reverend FatherGassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect25THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYfollowing:"Be good, be good!" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, todissuade from sin, parade Their various charms before us.But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner Andyouthful grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner?Now where's the need of speech and screed To better our behaving? Asimpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he worth saving?)Is, dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him,Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin -- don't let him.CUI BONO?[Latin]What good would that do _me_?CUNNING, n.The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal orpersonfrom a strong one.It brings its possessor much mentalsatisfactionand great material adversity.An Italian proverb says:"Thefurriergets the skins of more foxes than asses."CUPID, n.The so-called god of love.This bastard creation ofabarbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins ofitsdeities.Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this isthe mostreasonless and offensive.The notion of symbolizing sexuallove by asemisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to thewounds of anarrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into artgrossly tomaterialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work --this is eminentlyworthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it onthe doorstep of prosperity.CURIOSITY, n.An objectionable quality of the female mind.Thedesireto know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is oneof the mostactive and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.CURSE, v.t.Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick.Thisis anoperation which in literature, particularly in the drama, iscommonly fatalto the victim.Nevertheless, the liability to acursing is a risk that cuts but asmall figure in fixing the rates oflife insurance.CYNIC, n.A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,notas they ought to be.Hence the custom among the Scythians ofplucking outa cynic's eyes to improve his vision.26THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYDDAMN, v.A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, themeaningof which is lost.By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believedtohave been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degreeofmental tranquillity.Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks itexpressed anemotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequentlyoccurs incombination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy."Itwould be withgreat diffidence that I should advance an opinionconflicting with that ofeither of these formidable authorities.DANCE, v.i.To leap about to the sound of tittering music,preferablywith arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter.There aremanykinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of thetwosexes have two characteristics in common:they areconspicuouslyinnocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.DANGER, n.A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, Buttakes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises.Ambat DelasoDARING, n.One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man insecurity.DATARY, n.A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman CatholicChurch,whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with thewords_Datum Romae_.He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendshipofGod.DAWN, n.The time when men of reason go to bed.Certain oldmenprefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a longwalkwith an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.Theythenpoint with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdyhealthand ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,not because oftheir habits, but in spite of them.The reason we findonly robust personsdoing this thing is that it has killed all theothers who have tried it.DAY, n.A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.This periodisdivided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or dayimproper -- the27THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYformer devoted to sins of business, the latterconsecrated to the othersort.These two kinds of social activityoverlap.DEAD, adj.Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the madrace run Though to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be ahole!Squatol JohnesDEBAUCHEE, n.One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that hehashad the misfortune to overtake it.DEBT, n.An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tankto find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Norever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naughtaround him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at hisdebt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have paid it.Barlow S. VodeDECALOGUE, n.A series of commandments, ten in number --justenoughto permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enoughtoembarrass the choice.Following is the revised edition of theDecalogue,calculated for this meridian.Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more.No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break.Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect.Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the teams play ball.Honor thy parents.That creates For life insurance lower rates.Kill not, abet not those who kill; Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor dothcaressDon't steal; thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business.Cheat.Bear not false witness -- that is low -- But "hear 'tis rumored so andso."Cover thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow,got.28THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYDECIDE, v.i.To succumb to the preponderance of one set ofinfluencesover another set.A leaf was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said he.The west wind, rising, made him veer. "Eastward," said he, "I nowshall steer."The east wind rose with greater force. Said he:"'Twere wise to changemy course."With equal power they contend. He said:"My judgment I suspend."Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, Cried:"I've decided to fallstraight.""First thoughts are best?"That's not the moral; Just choose your ownand we'll not quarrel.Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, You'll have no hand in it atall.DEFAME, v.t.To lie about another.To tell the truth about another.DEFENCELESS, adj.Unable to attack.DEGENERATE, adj.Less conspicuously admirable than one'sancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples ofdegeneracy; itrequired ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of theheroesof the Trojan war could have raised with ease.Homer never tiresofsneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which isperhapswhy they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instanceofreturning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden himhewould certainly have starved.DEGRADATION, n.One of the stages of moral and social progressfromprivate station to political preferment.DEINOTHERIUM, n.An extinct pachyderm that flourished whenthePterodactyl was in fashion.The latter was a native of Ireland, itsnamebeing pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the manpronouncingit may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.DEJEUNER, n.The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.Variously pronounced.DELEGATION, n.In American politics, an article of merchandisethatcomes in sets.29THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYDELIBERATION, n.The act of examining one's bread to determinewhichside it is buttered on.DELUGE, n.A notable first experiment in baptism which washedawaythe sins (and sinners) of the world.DELUSION, n.The father of a most respectable family,comprisingEnthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity andmanyother goodly sons and daughters.All hail, Delusion!Were it not for thee The world turned topsy-turvywe should see; For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, Would flyabandoned Virtue's gross advances.Mumfrey MappelDENTIST, n.A prestidigitator who, putting metal into yourmouth,pulls coins out of your pocket.DEPENDENT, adj.Reliant upon another's generosity for thesupportwhich you are not in a position to exact from his fears.DEPUTY, n.A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman.The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie andanintricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. Whenaccidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloudof dust."Chief Deputy," the Master cried, "To-day the books are to be tried Byexperts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through Ouroffice here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the properentries made, The proper balances displayed, Conforming to the wholeamount Of cash on hand -- which they will count. I've long admired yourpunctual way --Here at the break and close of day, Confronting in yourchair the crowd Of business men, whose voices loud And gestures violentyou quell By some mysterious, calm spell -- Some magic lurking in yourlook That brings the noisiest to book And spreads a holy and profoundTranquillity o'er all around. So orderly all's done that they Who came todraw remain to pay. But now the time demands, at last, That you employyour genius vast In energies more active.Rise And shake the lightningsfrom your eyes; Inspire your underlings, and fling Your spirit intoeverything!" The Master's hand here dealt a whack Upon the Deputy's bentback, When straightway to the floor there fell A shrunken globe, a rattling30THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYshell A blackened, withered, eyeless head! The man had been atwelvemonth dead.Jamrach HolobomDESTINY, n.A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure.DIAGNOSIS, n.A physician's forecast of the disease by thepatient'spulse and purse.DIAPHRAGM, n.A muscular partition separating disorders of thechestfrom disorders of the bowels.DIARY, n.A daily record of that part of one's life, which he canrelateto himself without blushing.Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom andof wit. So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, Erased all entries of hisown and cried: "I'll judge you by your diary."Said Hearst: "Thank you;'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- Straightway producing, jubilant andproud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly turnedthe pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew before, Glooming andgleaming as by turns he hit On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; Thengravely closed the book and gave it back. "My friend, you've wanderedfrom your proper track: You'd never be content this side the tomb --Forbig ideas Heaven has little room, And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth."The Mad Philosopher"DICTATOR, n.The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilenceofdespotism to the plague of anarchy.DICTIONARY, n.A malevolent literary device for cramping thegrowthof a language and making it hard and inelastic.Thisdictionary,however, is a most useful work.DIE, n.The singular of "dice."We seldom hear the word, becausethereis a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die."At long intervals,however, someone says:"The die is cast," which is not true, for itis cut.The word is foundin an immortal couplet by that eminent poetand domestic economist,Senator Depew:A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch anibbling mie.31THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYDIGESTION, n.The conversion of victuals into virtues.Whentheprocess is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstancefromwhich that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladiesarethe greater sufferers from dyspepsia.DIPLOMACY, n.The patriotic art of lying for one's country.DISABUSE, v.t.The present your neighbor with another andbettererror than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.DISCRIMINATE, v.i.To note the particulars in which one personorthing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.DISCUSSION, n.A method of confirming others in their errors.DISOBEDIENCE, n.The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.DISOBEY, v.t.To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony thematurityof a command.His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey;And if that fit observance e'er I shut May I and duty be alike undone.Israfel BrownDISSEMBLE, v.i.To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let usdissemble.AdamDISTANCE, n.The only thing that the rich are willing for the poortocall theirs, and keep.DISTRESS, n.A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of