APOSTATE, n.A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtleonlyto find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedientto form anew attachment to a fresh turtle.APOTHECARY, n.The physician's accomplice, undertaker'sbenefactorand grave worm's provider.When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyedthem in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for theapothecary's health, Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "Mydeadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"APPEAL, v.t.In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.APPETITE, n.An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence asasolution to the labor question.APPLAUSE, n.The echo of a platitude.APRIL FOOL, n.The March fool with another month added to hisfolly.ARCHBISHOP, n.An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier thanabishop.9THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYIf I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- Salmonand flounders and smelts; On other days everything else.Jodo RemARCHITECT, n.One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans adraftof your money.ARDOR, n.The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.ARENA, n.In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which thestatesmanwrestles with his record.ARISTOCRACY, n.Government by the best men.(In this sense thewordis obsolete; so is that kind of government.)Fellows that weardownyhats and clean shirts --guilty of education and suspected ofbankaccounts.ARMOR, n.The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor isablacksmith.ARRAYED, pp.Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as arioterhanged to a lamppost.ARREST, v.t.Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh._The Unauthorized Version_ARSENIC, n.A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies,whomit greatly affects in turn."Eat arsenic?Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tisbetter you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup."Joel HuckART, n.This word has no definition.Its origin is related asfollows bythe ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- Shifted a letter ofthe cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name!Straight arose Fantasticpriests and postulants (with shows, And mysteries, and mummeries, andhymns, And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his templeand maintain the fires, Expound the law, manipulate the wires. Amazed,the populace that rites attend, Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,And, inly edified to learn that two Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art cando) Have sweeter values and a grace more fit Than Nature's hairs that10THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYnever have been split, Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, And selltheir garments to support the priests.ARTLESSNESS, n.A certain engaging quality to which women attainbylong study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who ispleasedto fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.ASPERSE, v.t.Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actionswhichone has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.ASS, n.A public singer with a good voice but no ear.In VirginiaCity,Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,andeverywhere the Donkey.The animal is widely and variouslycelebrated inthe literature, art and religion of every age andcountry; no other soengages and fires the human imagination as thisnoble vertebrate.Indeed, itis doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib.II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _DeTemperamente_) if it is not agod; and as such we know it was worshipedby the Etruscans, and, if wemay believe Macrobious, by the Cupasiansalso.Of the only twoanimals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise alongwith the souls ofmen, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of theSeven Sleepersthe other.This is no small distinction.From what has beenwrittenabout this beast might be compiled a library of great splendorandmagnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and thatwhichclusters about the Bible.It may be said, generally, that allliterature ismore or less Asinine."Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and ofDiscords King!" Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all else,the Mule, the Mule is thine!"AUCTIONEER, n.The man who proclaims with a hammer that hehas pickeda pocket with his tongue.AUSTRALIA, n.A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrialandcommercial development has been unspeakably retarded by anunfortunatedispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent oranisland.AVERNUS, n.The lake by which the ancients entered theinfernalregions.The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained11THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYbya lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator tohavesuggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion.This,however,has been shown by Lactantius to be an error._Facilis descensus Averni,_ The poet remarks; and the sense Of it isthat when down-hill I turn I Will get more of punches than pence.Jehal Dai LupeBBAAL, n.An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names.As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he hadthehonor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famousaccount ofthe Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to hisglory on the Plainof Shinar.From Babel comes our English word"babble."Under whatevername worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god.AsBeelzebub he is the god of flies,which are begotten of the sun's rayson the stagnant water.In Physicia Baalis still worshiped as Bolus,and as Belly he is adored and served withabundant sacrifice by thepriests of Guttledom.BABE or BABY, n.A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex,orcondition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathiesandantipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, fromwhoseadventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of sevencenturiesbefore doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osirisbeingpreserved on a floating lotus leaf.Ere babes were invented The girls were contended. Now man istormented Until to buy babes he has squandered His money.And so I havepondered This thing, and thought may be 'T were better that Baby TheFirst had been eagled or condored.Ro AmilBACCHUS, n.A convenient deity invented by the ancients as anexcusefor getting drunk.Is public worship, then, a sin, That for devotions paid to Bacchus Thelictors dare to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us?12THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYJoraceBACK, n.That part of your friend which it is your privilegetocontemplate in your adversity.BACKBITE, v.t.To speak of a man as you find him when he can'tfindyou.BAIT, n.A preparation that renders the hook more palatable.Thebestkind is beauty.BAPTISM, n.A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himselfinheaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.Itisperformed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, andbyaspersion, or sprinkling.But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Letthose immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version,And by matching their agues tertian.BAROMETER, n.An ingenious instrument which indicates whatkind ofweather we are having.BARRACK, n.A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of thatofwhich it is their business to deprive others.BASILISK, n.The cockatrice.A sort of serpent hatched form the eggofa cock.The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many infidelsdeny this creature's existence, but Semprello Auratorsaw and handled onethat had been blinded by lightning as a punishmentfor having fatally gazedon a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved.Junoafterward restored the reptile'ssight and hid it in a cave.Nothingis so well attested by the ancients as theexistence of the basilisk,but the cocks have stopped laying.BASTINADO, n.The act of walking on wood without exertion.BATH, n.A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religiousworship,with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And,for he's boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, Forgettingthat his lungs he's soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling.Richard GwowBATTLE, n.A method of untying with the teeth of a political knotthat13THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYwould not yield to the tongue.BEARD, n.The hair that is commonly cut off by those whojustlyexecrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.BEAUTY, n.The power by which a woman charms a lover andterrifies ahusband.BEFRIEND, v.t.To make an ingrate.BEG, v.To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned tothebelief that it will not be given.Who is that, father? A mendicant, child, Haggard, morose, andunaffable -- wild! See how he glares through the bars of his cell! WithCitizen Mendicant all is not well.Why did they put him there, father?Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.His belly?Oh, well, he was starving, my boy --A state in which, doubtless,there's little of joy. No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry Was"Bread!" ever "Bread!"What's the matter with pie?With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; To beg was unlawful -improper as well.Why didn't he work?He would even have done that, But men said:"Get out!" and the Stateremarked:"Scat!" I mention these incidents merely to show That thevengeance he took was uncommonly low. Revenge, at the best, is the actof a Siou, But for trifles --Pray what did bad Mendicant do?Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack And tuck out the bellythat clung to his back.Is that _all_ father dear?There's little to tell: They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -well, The company's better than here we can boast, And there's --Bread for the needy, dear father?Um -- toast.Atka Mip14THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYBEGGAR, n.One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.BEHAVIOR, n.Conduct, as determined, not by principle, butbybreeding.The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr.JamrachHolobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_:Recordare, Jesu pie, Quod sum causa tuae viae. Ne me perdas illa die.Pray remember, sacred Savior, Whose the thoughtless hand that gaveyour Death-blow.Pardon such behavior.BELLADONNA, n.In Italian a beautiful lady; in English adeadlypoison.A striking example of the essential identity of thetwotongues.BENEDICTINES, n.An order of monks otherwise known as blackfriars.She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be A monk of St. Benedictcroaking a text. "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she -- "Black friarsin this world, fried black in the next.""The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712)BENEFACTOR, n.One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude,without,however, materially affecting the price, which is still withinthemeans of all.BERENICE'S HAIR, n.A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named inhonorof one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; Andmen -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name.But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save theirhair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven.BIGAMY, n.A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the futurewilladjudge a punishment called trigamy.BIGOT, n.One who is obstinately and zealously attached to anopinionthat you do not entertain.BILLINGSGATE, n.The invective of an opponent.BIRTH, n.The first and direst of all disasters.As to the nature ofit thereappears to be no uniformity.Castor and Pollux were bornfrom theegg.Pallas came out of a skull.Galatea was once a blockof stone.Peresilis,15THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYwho wrote in the tenth century, avers that hegrew up out of the groundwhere a priest had spilled holy water.Itis known that Arimaxus wasderived from a hole in the earth, made by astroke oflightning.Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in MountAetna, and I havemyself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.BLACKGUARD, n.A man whose qualities, prepared for display like aboxof berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened onthewrong side.An inverted gentleman.BLANK-VERSE, n.Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the mostdifficultkind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore,muchaffected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.BODY-SNATCHER, n.A robber of grave-worms.One who suppliestheyoung physicians with that with which the old physicians havesuppliedthe undertaker.The hyena."One night," a doctor said, "last fall, I and my comrades, four in all,When visiting a graveyard stood Within the shadow of a wall."While waiting for the moon to sink We saw a wild hyena slink Abouta new-made grave, and then Begin to excavate its brink!"Shocked by the horrid act, we made A sally from our ambuscade, And,falling on the unholy beast, Dispatched him with a pick and spade."Bettel K. JhonesBONDSMAN, n.A fool who, having property of his own, undertakestobecome responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, adissolutenobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he wouldbe able togive."I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can giveyou my word ofhonor.""And pray what may be the value of that?"inquired the amusedRegent."Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold."BORE, n.A person who talks when you wish him to listen.BOTANY, n.The science of vegetables -- those that are not good toeat,as well as those that are.It deals largely with their flowers,which arecommonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.BOTTLE-NOSED, adj.Having a nose created in the image of itsmaker.16THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARYBOUNDARY, n.In political geography, an imaginary line between